and people who will see a world I shall never know.
But all the while I sit and think of times that were before,
I listen for returning feet and voices at the door.
― JRR Tolkien
I did dream of Ember that night but they were not the sweet dreams she wished me. Why am I forever reliving the errors of my past?
I talked before about feeling in purgatory―this feels like purgatory―constantly reliving the past with no way to atone for it.
That's the one thing that makes me despair of finding lasting joy with Ember. No matter how much I try to love and support her in this life, I fear having this nightly review of my past failings
Will I ever be rid of these tormenting thoughts or is this the way it will be going forward?
I hope not.
We met with Static and Tom Edwards at Victoria College and I was immediately reassured by their competence.
Static listened to Lise's description of her mystery love and began suggesting data bases he could check and lines of inquiry he could pursue with his access to various apps and the use of AI to assist him.
Tom Edwards drew on his skills he's refined tracking missing persons and his friendships with other professionals in the field.
He instantly suggested Meg Crawford, a gifted sketch artist, who seemed to be able to draw lifelike portraits based on slender evidence involving a few traits of a person's features and their personality and body type.
Tom figured Meg was part artist and past psychic because she was able to draw portraits that were amazingly accurate, so much so, that she could scan a portrait using facial recognition technology and get a hit almost every time
Drawing on all these resources, I figured we had the makings of an awesome team.
Eliot Granger dropped by and we all decided to go out for dinner at Turtle Jack's.
It was weird because I began to see this group as potentially being a kind of family.
All the various people brought their own individual skills and yet fit together harmoniously like organs in the body. No one part was above the other but every joint supplied something vital to our success.
By the end o the evening, our tiny group had already formed a tight bond. Ember called us, The Time Team—it was a fitting name for our group.
Ember came back home with me so we could relax and decompress by the fire. It was perfect fall night for that with temperatures a few degrees below freezing and our breath visible in the air.
“So, when are we going to talk about last night’s dreams?” She finally asked. I sensed she was waiting for me to raise the subject, but I was hoping we could avoid it.
“Do we have to revisit that sadness?” I replied, wishing there weren’t that constant pall hanging over us all the time.
“I know you’d like to make a new beginning, but it’s unfinished business from the past and if we don’t deal with it, it’ll just keep coming back.”
“Sounds like us—how many times do you figure we’ve returned?”
“Countless times, my Love, but you’re avoiding the topic. Why do you think Fate keeps reminding us of our past?”
I couldn’t distract her, so I gave in.
“That last bout of dreams was brutal. All the times I cheated on you and then had to deal with guilts afterward.”
“The guilts, huh? Is that your cutesy way of downplaying your sins?”
“No, not at all, Love. I hate that heavy feeling of remorse. I know I should be punished for my actions, but sometimes it’s just too hard to bear.”
“Is that what you think—that the purpose of our returning life after life is to punish you?
I stared at her helplessly. I guess—what else could it be?”
She shook her head sadly. “You’re such a Catholic, Blake. Did it ever occur to you you might be learning? That each cycle of rebirth brings you closer to escaping this treadmill we’re on?”
“No, actually I never considered that.”
“Well, if you really believed that’s the purpose of returning, how does that make you feel?”
“Sad,” I whispered forlornly.
Her eyes widened. “Sad—not hopeful?”
I shook my head.
Why in God’s name would you be sad?”
“Because I don’t want the cycle to end. I want to always be with you—now and forever, until the last ding dong of doom. That’s how much I love you.”
I think it was the wrong answer, but I still ended up in her arms with her weeping and covering me with kisses.
Sometimes, you can be so wrong, it’s right.