Hello sweet, beautiful people.
First of all, let me explain why "Chapter A one." I have lots of my dear one's names that begin with this letter and today is about one of them who lives here in Inn. Apparently, our friendship ended a couple of days back dramatically after another misunderstanding caused by the tone of my voice (at least that what she said). I'm aware that when I'm pissed off my vocal tonality it's going downhill, but trying again to explain myself to A and to make her understand that this is who I am and my voice changes in some particular shit situations (which as my bestie she should already know) made it worse. She claims to know my character, but even nowadays, after almost ten years, A doesn't realize the way I express myself. I know I can be pushy, especially when she says she has me all figured out, but she doesn't seem to get to the point. Of course, my reactions were strongly influenced by emotions too, and I couldn't keep my calm anymore, trying to be loud and clear rather than subsonic. I know you can't change someone who doesn't see an issue in their actions, and sometimes it's better to react with no reaction, but because I care about her, I don't want her to become a stranger. I never said that I'm perfect and for sure I have my fair share of stupidity, but at least, before I assume something, I ask.
"A... how can you tell me to completely accept your personality, but you summon my inner bitch every single time when you're sensitive because of how I express myself, instead of understanding why I'm angry in the first place?! You can't just throw a rock at me and expect me to defend myself only with paper!"
In the fight, A used my exact words from my previous story which was funny for me considering how many times I've already said it to her in person. For example: "Think of the word friendship and its meaning, I have so many times" or "You only recall shit events rather than good ones" etc. Until now I had so much patience with her ego, selfishness, and paranoid thoughts. Always figuring out a way of solving our disagreements by talking hours and hours for her to see the reality how it really is and not how she pictures it. She's been through a lot the last three years. A beautiful baby girl was born and shortly after her boyfriend got arrested for the most significant and almost perfect robbery in the history of this city... I understood the stress and chaos from inside her soul and mind and tried to help and comfort her how I knew best. In my way, so many times I was trying to protect her from herself, but she never got the right idea. She accused me of not paying too much attention to our friendship and not spending lots of time together. Of doing what I wish with my time and life, benefiting from every opportunity that suits me. WTF!!! Well duh, of course, I'll live my life how I please. Why wouldn't I!!!
"Oh, I'm sorry, but shouldn't every human on this planet do the same and do whatever the fuck they want with their time, life?! I didn't know that I'm a slave of our friendship."
Immediately and with a tremendous rage she was going on about how I've said that she's a monster and a lousy friend who doesn't wish me well... which I haven't. Going on and on about what a pity it is, that from all our conversations she only gets that she's a crappy person, but furthermore admitting that she's holding back plenty of reproaches too.
"What can I say... We're besties, but you're the one holding grudges against me. Instead of letting'em out to my fucking face you rather turned them into gossip with others."
I'm not a mean person, but sometimes I'm brutally honest about how I feel, and it's not my fault if the truth hurts both of us at that moment.
Unfortunately, I can't elaborate the entire situation as it is because it involves big, messy, dark secrets (clearly, not mine) that can't be leaked... for the moment. Our friendship means the world to me, but A sense of self-importance is overwriting our relationship. I will not limit only to this few judgemental lines I've written today and further on I'll keep you guys posted with her nice qualities and fun times we had together.
To be continued...
Stay strong, stay liquid. Luv, M.