In the last year, I’ve developed an obsessive special interest in human behaviour, interaction and relationships. Most of the time, I recognize negative examples because I’m naturally a person that wants to correct and make things better. I’m a fixer.
Kyle has been my main role model when comes to how to be kind, empathetic, patient and polite. Basically, the upstanding-est person I know. But despite all this, I tend to focus on the negative.
I tend to pick apart people’s behaviour and struggle (and exhaust myself) on whether or not to let them be or pull them up on the things they say. I’m still working on a conclusion to that one...
Anyway, I’ve picked up on an intricacy in how we respond to a specific type of interaction. Granted, this kind of interaction, when weighed, tends to tip on the positive side more often when in person. Interacting through text is a lot trickier. Here’s the scenario:
Person A is enthused about a subject and wants to share content/information with Person B. This is grounds for an attempt at connection-building. Person A is excited and is opening themselves up, trusting that Person B is going to accept the shared content.
Now, what Person A doesn’t know, is that Person B is already familiar with the content/information Person A is sharing and so needs to respond appropriately.
It could be perfectly acceptable for Person B to pretend they haven’t seen the shared content before and joins in Person A’s enthusiasm. However, this could be seen as lying, and if Person A were to find out, could be quite hurt and feel sheepish for being led on.
The more common option is to express to Person A that they’ve seen the content before, but this situation is more fragile than people are usually aware of. You don’t want to seem dismissive or deflate Person A’s attempt at sharing, because this could stop them from sharing again in future (which hinders relationships). You want to “pick up the baton” so to speak, and share something back with them. This recent interaction is what prompted me to write this piece. (P.S. That's my husband's reply at the bottom <3)
What you don’t want to do is say something like “I’ve seen it” and follow it up with something that doesn’t acknowledge the effort Person A has put in to share. For example, “Yeah, I’ve seen it. He’s funny”. Seem like a normal, inoffensive sentence to you? That’s common.
See, think like Person A. They’ve decided to share something with Person B, and if Person B responds with “Yeah, I’ve seen it.” Person A knows they didn’t bother to click the link, interact with it or anything. In fact, Person B might not even realise it, but they’re being dismissive. They’re effectively saying, “I don’t have time for this”. Don't get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with not clicking the link! But find a way to show appreciation, even if it’s subtle.
So in summary, find ways to promote the connections people are trying to make with you, instead of shutting them down. Sometimes, you might not realise they’re actually attempting vulnerability, which is a scary thing to do! They’re choosing to trust you with their attempt of connection, hoping for reciprocation. In my screenshot above, Kyle has reciprocated by asking “did you see the one where he goes to the moon?” in the hopes that he can find a shared experience.
“When we establish human connections within the context of shared
experience we create community wherever we go.”
― Gina Greenlee, Postcards and Pearls: Life Lessons from Solo Moments on the Road
Am I being pedantic? Who cares?
Do you want to be a better friend? Then you decide how much you care.
Noticing how we are being unconsciously dismissive has been on my mind a lot lately, so perhaps expect some more posts on it. I love my family but grew up in an environment of being constantly dismissed by my dad, so it’s something I’m particularly sensitive to picking up on.
Edit: I sent this blog post off to a friend to proofread and (unbeknownst to me) he used me as a guinea pig the following day to try out my theory. Needless to say he passed with such flying colours, I didn’t even realise the connection between his reply and my blog post, we just carried on talking like good friends, keeping that connection strong (instead of hindering it). Jeremy self-professes to struggle with subconscious dismissiveness , so I like to think my post may help other people too.
