Disney lied. Oh, I know that statement will get comments, but the truth must come out. Remember, I am not saying Disney cartoons and movies aren’t entertaining. They are. Also, I will admit I love the Disney parks. So, all of Disney is not necessarily corrupt. In fact, unless you have serious issues about the Star Wars purchase, I think we can all agree Disney is pretty darn good. Except for the simple fact they lied about one crucial issue, princesses. Oh sure, they look sweet and innocent, but if my daughter is any indication, there is an evil power behind the mask. In other words, Princesses are freakin’ dangerous.
Yes, just like many daughters, mine claims to be a princess. That being said, she has a saying, “I am a princess, and if you doubt me, I will knock you down and stand on your throat until you agree.” The thing is, it really is pretty hard to agree with anything when you have a thirteen-year-old girl perched on your neck. You might say this precludes her from princess hood. Au contraire.
I give you the famous lass in blue, Cinderella. Check out the film. She cooked, cleaned, scrubbed, and made clothes for the entire manor’s mouse population. And she smiled the whole time! Do you honestly think a girl like that would hesitate to twist a neck if she had too? No, I say. Her duties proved she had the strength, and the smile just leads me to believe she was up to something. Up to what, you ask? I’m thinking bloody revolution. She was building a mouse and bird army and biding her time, waiting for the right moment to unleash the hordes. I tell you, if that prince hadn’t happened along when he did, France would have been in big trouble.
Remember also, they sent Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) to grow up in the forest, simply because she couldn’t be trusted with the stuff around the castle. How do I know? Again, we look at my daughter. The other day I needed to Google something. I picked up her tablet and did what I needed to. I also noticed the screen needed cleaning. As a favor to her I wiped it off. An hour later she was screaming murder because someone had messed with her stuff. I asked how she knew, and the surprising reply was that my quick wipe made the screen brighter and she was positive I fooled around with the settings. Aurora had nothing, so ownership wasn’t a problem. Then the minute she returned to the castle, even though she had no need for thread or clothing, she attempted to selfishly take possession of the very first thing she saw. It just happened to be a spinning wheel, but if it had been a rusty sword, I have no doubt she would have screamed, “MINE!!” and taken it as well.
Here's another little fact. If princesses are so innocent, shy, and weak, how come so many of them get locked up in tall towers, protected by witches and dragons? Hmmmmm? Well just watch Tangled, the Rapunzel movie, and you’ll have your answer. That demure young lady is certifiably nuts, as well as dangerous. Her weapon of choice is, of all things, her hair. A silly premise, you say? Nay, I counter. (Maybe not the greatest retort, but it will have to do.)
My daughter’s hair may not be as long as Rapunzel’s, but when she ties it up to a ponytail, and whips her head around in a certain way, it is equally as dangerous. Next, my sweet child does something even more diabolical. She puts little bow barrettes on the ends of her long tresses. Most folks look at them and fawn over her, saying how cute they are. However, those of us who know, run in fear. Those plastic bows will rip more meat of the bone than the metal hooks on a cat-o-nine-tails. And if CSI ever comes looking for the murder weapon, they’ll never find it.
You’re starting to feel the terror, aren’t you? Well, those I have mentioned are only rank amateurs compared to the great-grandmother of all devious, dangerous, yet somehow beguiling princesses. Dun Dun Daaaaaaa! Snow White. Her tale was first told by a guy named Grimm. If that doesn’t give you any clues, you may as well just dig a hole and hide in it for the rest of your life. Remember, princesses are never found in holes, and you’ll be much safer without being any more intelligent. But I digress.
According to the tales Snow White was about fourteen when the queen saw her raw power and had the huntsman do her in. The queen knew her potential, having been a princess herself once. But all Snow White had to do was look into the huntsman’s eyes to weave her diabolical magic, and change the huntsman’s mind. Then later, after seven men found her, in their bed no less, the same look was employed to turn them into her own secret police force. That not enough for you? Remember, she was also able to cast her black magic on the unfortunate, defenseless forest creatures as well. So there.
The thing is, no matter what force is used against princesses, and no matter how much they are drawn down or cursed, they always win. That’s the truly terrifying thing Disney got right. You just can’t defeat a princess. In Frozen, Anna was completely turned to solid ice and yet she still shattered Hans’s hardened steel, dwarf-made sword, and was then able to give a warm hug to her ice-queen sister. (Obviously, another treacherous princess) Personally, I think the army should start investigating this awesome power. I mean, if the Chinese had unleashed Mulan on the Mongol hordes, they wouldn’t have needed to even think about the Great Wall. It had to be time-consuming to build that thing and expensive to boot. They could have saved all that money and just invested in another factory to build I-Phones. Then the prices of those things could be cheaper. I’m just saying.
Lastly, and this is probably my greatest horror, is that the definition of princess is very opaque. Belle is currently one of Disney’s more popular princesses and her father is a mad inventor. Not a drop of royal blood in him or her. Yet, she is not only called a princess, she has the princess power. I mean she walks into a random castle and starts talking to candles and clocks and this is not strange to her. Get this, she did this without any illegal chemical substances in her blood. The reason I mention this is the other day my own princess was driving me crazy. I told her if she didn’t stop she would drive me to have kittens. She just smiled and said, “Cool, I like kittens.” Then she paused and continued, “How much would it take for puppies? I like them better. But I’ll accept kittens in a pinch.”
Now I’m constantly looking over my shoulder. If she has the power, who knows what will happen? Well, maybe I’ll be able to salvage some dignity by making a deal with The National Enquirer. We’ll see.