If I'm going to cast a wreath into the sea...mommie dearest is dead...its gotta be that way...its just not possible that we are going to the same place now...is it. I mean everyone else is sure that she 's going to heaven...and I to hell...I mean...all dogs go to heaven...right? but me...I'm not too sure...
They all know what she was supposed to mean to me...but none understand what she did to me...
Problem with the one way street...it only goes one way...right up until you cross with your eyes not watching the beast that comes from the wrong direction...there's a reason they call the truck...the Mack...being blindsided won't be the worst thing you have to deal with...
I loved her...but me...I was a fetish to her...being a thing would have been an upgrade...ain't no love wasted in my direction...that love was strictly reined for the idea of what I was...to her...the only substance I possessed...sustenance...for her continued addiction to all reflections in the gazing pool. my reflection...in the gazing pool.
Narcissus, narcissus don't turn your gaze away from the image of life that passes for life itself.... as it really is. Yeah...she's a pass for........ Not a pass for white like those no one and I do mean no one in our family talks about......no she's not a pass for like those that were in this family that jumped and pulled the rip cord...I understand why they jumped....the family dynamic is poison...dripping down a sharpened stake...set in quicksand. I get it. Me...I pulled the rip cord into drugs, anxiety, depression and awoke amidst a trio of mental illnesses so complex half the leeches don't know how to treat it...and the others won't even see me...other than to throw me into a vat of chemicals so powerful they'll bring a rhino to its knees....
No...she is a pass for in that she saw life as a reflection in the gazing pool with eyes that never blinked and a head that almost never turned away from it. What passed for life...was nothing more than a reflection of life...in the gazing pool of her psyche...the shallow water that was her warped sense of entitlement and her distorted sense of territory. I was just one of the things in her territory and she was entitled to everything...in that territory.
Narcissus narcissus...where you are...how can the mirror still be your best friend...in all that heat...I mean I get it you know...there was two parts of you...everyone saw the part of you that showered me with affection...those same people will fatten their pigs right up until the Christmas eve butchery and not make the correlation where I am concerned.......you know...the other part of her no one saw... of the attention masquerading as love. And in the mix...the sibling....toxic feminist don't you know.....weaned on the belief that I got all the love...and she got all the scraps...me the golden child...she the scapegoat...and ole narcissus rounding out this unholy trinity....and laughing all the way to her grave.
You wanna know what really chaps my ass...
is not the father with whom I was in sexual competition for her attention and did not know it...you see G loathed sex so she would use me to fend off his advances...that pesky husband with a needy nature and a donkey dick...I couldn't understand the thickly veiled and deeply camouflaged resentment he had towards me...no. Not at first.
What really chaps my ass...
is not the fact that the thing that gave birth to me...who taught that legendary kindergarten of kids that all went on to do extraordinarily well in school and college..top 5% wherever they went...oh yes!!....how easily she would default into deeply caustic, emotionally corrosive shaming language when her teaching methods failed yet couldn't understand why I did not prosper under her tutelage... the revelation that almost undid me years after I first got clean...is that sacred womb I grew in for the first nine months of my life...not one cell in that womb held any love for me.
is not that I am considered a loser by my family for I 'squandered' the 'love' of a terrific mother in a terrific family....voices echo down through what seems like ages (You should be grateful you have a mother like that...surely toxic and ungrateful masculinity at its finest?
its not that I have a massive porn collection to almost no avail...for most days I cannot flog the bishop without seeing her face. That dick may be a part of me...but it ain't my friend...Yes...think you know what the term enmeshment is do you...? The unfortunate thing is some of you know exactly what I am speaking of ...and for that you have my deepest empathy...not sympathy...I don't feel sorry for you...I empathize with what it will take for you to grow strong enough for your journey...empathy and understanding. From me to you that poison you hold...doesn't belong to or inside you. An eviction is in order...I assure you.
the real horror is when my sister the toxic feminist... finally uncovers the scapegoat/golden child/narcissistic golden triangle and the role that mommie dearest had us both play.....she will descend into a new dark age. Her hatred for me will multiply a thousand fold...I guess that's what the Magna Cum laude from that Boston school is for. ...great praise shall there be for one who has honed her tools in permanent obfuscation of the simple truth that would set her free...her brother was not getting all the love...he was getting all the attention....attention required for her mother to keep a hold of the reins of her never to be adult son...so she could feed on her narcissistic supply...me.....in plain sight.
I'll never get the chance to hold my sister's hand in love again. Those feelings have no names...
So...I am composing a wreath. G has been dead I guess going on three years...and it's time to remove the toxic umbilical cord . The Africans...some of them...in their rites of passage...have a special ceremony where you the up and coming man face the unhealthy aspects of the love you have for your mother...and cut the cord. Well...I will have to design my own rite...and the creation of the wreath is just the beginning. I have given myself a short time to finish the wreath. I have work to do. A lifetime ahead of me. Don't know where I am going. Damn sure know where I have been. And I ain't going back. Forward only. Ciao for now, More on this later.
