Bored? Like MMORPGs? Have no money? Love old-school trippy graphics that revolve around animals? Well, you're in luck!
I give you Secondhand Lands!
Honestly, folks, you have to see this game for yourselves. Or, well, just live vicariously through me...
Right off the bat they had my attention with the keywords "catgirls" and the release date of April Fool's.
It was love at first sight. The loading screen is a thing of beauty. (Shout out to Greenshot for the awesome opensource screenshot software!)
The only server is named "Jessica." It's not as catchy as something like "Stormthrone" or "Doomskull," but it's good enough for me.
I was beyond thrilled with the four available paths. How can you go wrong with sheep, wolf, scrapper, or catgirl!?
Oh, dear lord. Someone put it out of its misery. Very scary. Hmm. Maybe its appearance is effective as an intimidation tool...
Scrappers are bears? Okay. I can deal with it.
Oh... There's a dropdown that lets you choose from many things! You can be a dragon? Score!
And saving the best for last.
Confusing design here. The lady with the see-through dress is surrounded by a tropical themed background.
Upon log-in you are bombarded by parchment paper.
Aaaaaaaand finally. Here's the first glorious glimpse of the actual game!
I was scared. The world was dark. My eyes were wide with terror. And I was surrounded by a fairy and Puss In Boots.
I nodded in agreement. I hoped the herbal tea would be strong and have something special in it.
Aunty Clara seemed normal enough... So, I decided to help out.
It was easy enough to find the catnip! But I didn't expect it to literally be named "some Catnip" and/or to be scurrying around an oversized cat statue thingy.
I grabbed the loot and ran.
Almost...
I went back to check on muh boi because he had a giant trophy over his head. Puss had my back and told me where to go to get some cage fighting skills.
My face when I realize that Purffect is ripped and could break me in half.
Phew. She wants me to kill wind-up rats. Maybe it won't be so bad...
This is the point in the journey where things got a little strange. Stranger. More strange.
I couldn't find the wind-up rats anywhere! I randomly wandered into a house and found a mother cat and her three kittens. And only one of them was important enough to have an actual name. I guess the other two are "kitten1" and "kitten2."
There was also a fish tank in the room. The fish asked me for help. They also divulged that Puss In Boots is an alcoholic. The starving fish begged me to help them, but I kept my eyes on the prize and went in search of the elusive wind-up rats.
After wandering around a bit, I came across my first fellow player. I gazed in wonder and then explored some more.
A wolf named Mac caught my eye. His deformed face and snaggle teeth made me wary, but I overcame my feelings and asked him what was up.
To my surprise they let this fellow be in charge of the vault. And inside said vault I had some goodies with which to customize myself with!
Mac turned out to be a cool fella. He even celebrated with me as I donned a cape and a cap and became the coolest skunk in the world.
After fully embracing my burple side, I ran over to these lame-a-zoids named Honey and Opie and rubbed my uniqueness in their faces. They were basic. And yellow. And I was on fleek.
Once again, I began my search for the wind-up rats and ran into this poor gal. She runs the auction house and I couldn't bear to stare her in the face to browse through it, so I ran crying toward the coast.
I ran onto the deck of the shipwrecked fish food freighter and stood numbly while staring out into the open water. Where was I? Who was I? Was there really any such thing as a wind-up rat? How could I ever face Puss again?
Determined to complete my mission, I ran into a shed behind Puss In Boots. I let out a frustrated cry as stared in horror at crates upon crates of catnip. Aunt Clara, you bitch! She made a profit off of tricking newbies into getting her catnip just so that she could ship it offshore and get rich in the process! She was even diversifying her income by splitting it between two separate catnip companies!
Down the road I sauntered, nearly in a depression. But wait! A tiny pink game master!
Timidly, I crept nearer to the small god to get a closer look. So dangerously adorable, he was!
I nearly danced myself right out of the cat village, but halted in my tracks as the tiny purple GM spoke. I gasped. Perhaps the tiny god man had taken the wind-up rats away for the time being! Maybe I wasn't crazy and maybe Purrfect wasn't an evil pink mess!
Squeeee! I had a verbal exchange with a GM! Exciting times they were!
I moved in to high-five my fairy helper, but quickly realized that such a move would surely not be beneficial to her physical form.
I turned toward the cat-tails sprouting from the water and sighed. What a crazy world this was.
Maybe Mother Goose could tell me where the wind-up rats were hiding...
Stay tuned for PART 2 of the exciting Secondhand Lands adventure!