Heaven--
The Halfway Post recently called God for an interview. The following has been lightly edited for clarity.
THP: So how are things going?
GOD: You know, pretty good. I just got into this thing called beer yoga, and it’s been great for some self-reflection time. This gym I recently started going to also offers a class of puppy yoga, and I signed up to go next Monday. It sounds amazing. Puppies are the greatest thing I ever Created. Way better than you hairless monkeys, with your inflated egos and senses of self-importance. But yeah. I tell you what, I totally could have used yoga in the Old Testament days. Too bad it hadn’t been invented yet. Looking back, I can totally admit I had an anger problem. And it really clouded My judgement.
THP: In what way?
GOD: Well, like the flood. I mean, come on. I killed literally tens of millions of people. I wiped out almost everyone and started over. I totally botched that original Creation, didn’t I? And it really bit Me in the butt in the deity department. Zeus never lets me live it down. I mean, here I am, totally omniscient and omnipotent, and my first Creation goes haywire from Me programming you sapien monkeys to sin too much so you all go around ruining everything to the point where I totally have to shut it all down. I looked through the genetic code, and it was literally just one closing bracket I forgot, and it threw off the whole stabilization logarithm I designed to keep you all from total self-destruction. Total rookie mistake. But yeah, not very omniscient of me, was it?
THP: We all make mistakes.
GOD: I’m not supposed to! I had a bit of a drinking problem in the early days. Creating alcohol enzymes really took me down a dark path. I got a little bored on my first day of rest, and I built one of those refrigerators for Myself up in Heaven with a water purifier and dispenser built in, and I emptied out the water and filled it with chardonnay. Let’s just say I went through a rough patch for that millennia. You know how many extra blackholes I snapped into existence because I was chronically drunk for a few eons? Whoops. I don’t want to give too much away, but one’s going to eat up Earth before too long. Don’t worry, not in your lifetime…but your grandchildren will be totally fed. And you fs deserve it. Seriously, how have you not impeached Donald Trump yet? I mean, what the f?Honestly, I was testing America with Donald Trump making the perfect example of the kind of person you don’t want your son to become, but you all elected him anyway. I straight up designed him to be the shittiest human on the planet morally, physically, artistically, humbly, God! But here is! In charge of nukes! It’s definitely time for another mass extinction. I mean, when I came down as Jesus, did I not specifically explain to all you humans that I wanted you to live in peaceful little communist communes? Didn’t I make it abundantly clear that the rich should be all but killed and eaten? Didn’t I write a fing book for you all to read and absorb the themes of righteousness? And frankly, Earth just isn’t as entertaining as it used to be. I have another planet where the dominant life form is all female and they all are incredibly attractive models. That is a planet that knows how to worship Yours Truly. Oompfh. I spend most of my time there now spreading my seed and multiplying, if you catch my drift. Honestly, now I’m worked up about Trump and mad. I’m going to Babery. That’s what I call it. Like Mercury. Ah man, I wish you knew what it was like. It’s better than a hot Neptune bath. And the models. Wow. I’m like a total God there.”
Thanks for the interview, God.