Dear Steemy,
I need some advice. Okay, a LOT of advice. See, I just got this new job (I know, BIG WIN!). I beat out the weak, loser competitors by SO much, it was the best win ever. If it wasn't so "politically incorrect" I would say that those losers got their butt hurt real good because they underestimated me. I'm, like, really smart.But there are some really bad people writing awful lies about me, I mean real lightweight loser trash.And it's causing problems, HUGE problems, the biggest problems anyone's ever had. Believe me, no one's had problems like this, and I've asked many, many people.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm pretty friggin' amazing, even if those jerks can't see it! But how do I get them more in line? I already barred most of 'em from the daily meetings and I sent "encouraging" messages to many, many more.
I got them all riled up and scared, do you think it's a good time to give them a little sugar now? Asking for a friend. Also, what's an NEA and NEH?? I was drawing up a budget and thought I could save a few bucks a month but everyone seems really upset. What gives?
Thanks Steemy,
Orange You Glad I Wrote
Dear Orange,
Donny, bubbe, I've asked you several times now to stop writing me at dear.steemy@gmail.com so I'm hoping that this response ends the stream of emails I've been receiving from you as of late.
First, congrats on the new job and becoming the underdog of the millennia. There were a lot, and I do mean a LOT of very qualified people going for that job. I mean, professorial types with more degrees than a thermometer. You should be proud of your achievement, and clearly you are. Very much.
Sticks and Stones: The New Words
It sounds like you're dealing with a rumor mill that's cramping your style and making your new job seem less than terrific. But you don't have to suffer this! People don't listen to reason, they listen to nukes... remember, it's your finger hovering over the apocalyptic button. Have you tried threatening a news organization with a tactical nuclear strike? I find that parties are usually more willing to engage in honest, open dialogue when they are under coercion or threat of impending thermonuclear destruction.
Please refer to your new position's SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) Guide for details on how to utilize your monopoly on the initiation of violence over a geographic region. Though judging by what's happening in Cannon Ball, North Dakota, I'd guess you've already read it, at least up to the chapter on "takesies backsies". I have every confidence you'll find your way.
Have you considered building a literal wall around the news organizations you don't like? Yeah, the logistics would be hell but we could make them pay for it. There might be some pushback, but there are walls of every size and shape.
And remember: When you can't build a wall, drop a nuke.
Sugar and Spice, or a SWAT Full of ICE
One of the easiest ways to get along with fellow humans is to offer an olive branch or, as you put it, "a little sugar". Inherently, most humans actually want to come to consensus and live in a social community. When disagreements arise, it's the peacemakers that engender goodwill among all. If you are having trouble with a pesky publication, have you tried tempting them into compliance with an exclusive interview? Perhaps that kind of olive branch could turn everything around and make you the media's favorite politician. A little sugar can go a long way.
I would try to exhaust all of these options but should you choose, you don't seem like the type who is afraid to show a little "tough love".
Olive branch not working? Why not send in the SWAT team? Why, a six man (or woman!) team would be more than capable of neutralizing any free-thinking journalists who'd dare to put thought to keyboard.
It could be as easy as turning on their Smart TV's and phones, collecting all the juiciest dirt on these detractors and then doing a little simple Parallel Reconstruction to get their butts thrown into the slammer. This also has the added benefit of helping to meet Private Prison Contracts that demand upwards of 99% filled beds, which means they need more prisoners. A little time on a chain gang making .10 cents a day may help them rethink what the First Amendment really means.
Really, this is job creation at its finest, and you are the captain every Private Prison Stakeholder dreams of. In fact, you could list the following companies on the DOJ's website who are hiring young prisoners job-seekers. Please note that this list is incomplete:
Bayer
Cargill
Caterpillar
Chevron
Chrysler
Costco
John Deere
Eli Lilly and Company
Exxon Mobil
GlaxoSmithKline
Johnson and Johnson
K-Mart
Koch Industries
McDonald’s
Merck
Microsoft
Motorola
Nintendo
Pfizer
Procter & Gamble
Pepsi
ConAgra Foods
Shell
Starbucks
UPS
Verizon
WalMart
Wendy’s
If at First you Don't Succeed... Quit
Now Donny, I know you're thinking I'm crazy here but hear me out. If Hitler had given up after his first failure, millions of lives could have been saved. If famed killer clown John Wayne Gacy hadn't stuck with his whole killing young people thing we would've all been better off. Sometimes, when you're a douche, quitting is not only a viable option it's the preferable option.
Because let's be honest, you didn't really want this gig anyway right?
Think about it. If you quit right now so many bad things would not happen. The National Endowment for the Arts and the National Endowment for the Humanities could continue to enrich our culture, the oil tycoons would have to find other ways to make a quick buck that doesn't involve compromising the one planet we know is definitely capable of harboring humanity, and racists would have to tuck their prejudices back up their asses and squeeze tight.
And you could go back to chasing after the ladies and bankrupting companies, as god intended. If you need motivation, look at the guy you replaced, he seems to be taking it really, really well. Better than anyone I've ever seen take anything, truly terrific.
I'd wish you good luck, Orange, but the train wreck that is you is now pulling into the station that is America, and the brakes aren't functioning. Indeed, it ain't easy being cheesy.
Now please, for the love of all that is colorful and interesting, please stop emailing me. Get a job. Another one.
Insincerely,
D.S