William Southold | Opinion Columnist |The Southold Report
“Speaking fiction to power one story at a time.”
I am posting here first, a quiz, thinking you might want to take it yourself before I reveal it’s source and the answers. I will repeat each question as I do so, just as a reminder.
Here are the ground rules:
If all past Presidents were still alive today, observers and partakers of the passing scene, and all were tweeters, and Twitter was available since the beginning of our country, which of these Presidents would most likely have either said to his advisors, or actually tweeted, the following:
(On watching the first public impeachment hearings)
It’s like watching Mutt and Geoff. One lies and the other swears to it.
a) George Washington
b) Andrew Jackson
c). Donald Trump(Said sometime during his first term)
If I had my choice I wouldn’t have my Vice President again on a Christmas tree. Get me someone else!
Richard Nixon
Ulysses S. Grant
Donald Trump(Overheard by a presidential advisor)
“I signed the Constitution. Don’t tell me what’s in it!”
George Washington
James Madison
Donald Trump(One of these is an established historical fact)
Which of these Presidents had a son who liked skinny dipping, and actually did it in the Potomac River?
John Quincy Adams
Rutherford B. Hayes
Donald Trump(Either an established or soon to be established fact)
Which of the following Presidents had an extramarital affair which resulted in fathering a child?
Warren G. Harding
James Buchanan
Donald Trump
You’re not going to believe this, and really you shouldn’t, because it’s completely made up, I mean, I am a Fake Newsman, but my dog Middie claimed to have thought these questions up, typed them out on my iPad, and then sent them to the printer. Anyway, the above is what I found in the printer this morning. The sound of it printing out from the office had been what woke me up.
I made a circuitous route to the office to grab it on my way to the coffee machine. I was looking at it as I made my way to the tv room and I was reading it when I discovered Middie was there, waiting for me.
“So what’s this?” I asked her.
“Just having a little fun. Go ahead, read it.”
I read the introductory paragraph. I stopped and looked down at Middie.
“That’s some premise”, I told her.
“Just an idea I was noodling around. Just started it. Go ahead take a look. I did. The first item read:
(On watching the first public impeachment hearings)
It’s like watching Mutt and Geoff. One lies and the other swears to it.
a) George Washington
b) Andrew Jackson
c). Donald Trump
“Referring to Kent and Taylor, I presume.” I looked down at her.
“That’s the idea”, she responded with a slight smile on her face. Not easy for a dog.
“And just for clarification. You’re sayin I should consider any President in history, assume they are alive today, so they could have been watching the proceedings, and actually tweeting about them. Any President.
“Of the three listed, of course.”
I looked back at the question and considered the three listed for this one.
“Well, obviously Trump. It’s his style.”
“Correcto! So far one for one.”
I read the second:
(Said sometime during his first term)
If I had my choice I wouldn’t have my Vice President again on a Christmas tree. Get me someone else!
Richard Nixon
Ulysses S. Grant
Donald Trump
Now that one was a little more challenging. I’m a bit of a history buff, and I knew at least 3 Presidents had different VP’s during their second term. And certainly Nixon wouldn’t have wanted another go around with Agnew if he had a choice. Since Agnew was kicked out the door during Nixon's first term, I could easily picture Nixon saying that, and it's probably in those tapes somewhere. Although Grant was a pretty tough cookie, and could have said it as well. I went with Nixon in the end.
“Buzzzz. Nope. Wrongo. It was Trump again, as reported by HuffPost only yesterday. You are one for one, sir.”
Hmmm. I thought. I had missed seeing that. Returning to the quiz -
(Overheard by a presidential advisor)
“I signed the Constitution. Don’t tell me what’s in it!”
George Washington
James Madison
Donald Trump
This one had to be either Washington or Madison. I knew, as those two were the only two to actually sign the Constitution. I guessed Madison.
“Buzzzz. Buzzzz again. Wrong. It was Trump, in one of his nonsensical tirades, as also reported by HuffPost.”
I was beginning to pick up a pattern here, and I resigned to spend more time looking at HuffPost. I looked rather skeptically at my dog, and went back to the quiz.
(One of these is an established historical fact)
Which of these Presidents had a son who liked skinny dipping, and actually did it in the Potomac River?
John Quincy Adams
Rutherford B. Hayes
Donald Trump
O.K. I was finally on to this all knowing pooch. It had to be either Eric or Donald Jr. While I couldn’t quite picture Eric doing it, I could picture him wandering into the river, naked.
“O.K. Honorable Quizmaster. Donald Trump!”
“Nope. Sorry. Wrong again. It was John Quincy Adams. His son used to go skinny dipping in the Potomac every morning.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely. Look it up. So far as I know, that’s one thing the Trump boys have avoided, or have yet to do. Go ahead, read the last one. Although this is a sad performance for someone who claims to be a history buff.”
I reluctantly returned to the paper I was holding.
(Either an established or soon to be established fact)
Which of the following Presidents had an extramarital affair which resulted in fathering a child?
Warren G. Harding
James Buchanan
Donald Trump
OK. I honestly had no idea on this one. Nothing has been proven about Trump, yet anyway, but I suppose Middie was about to deliver me my morning news flash. To take a little wind out of her sails, I went with Trump.
“Nope!” she exclaimed happily. "One for five! Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to our stage now, my first history quiz loser, Sir William Southold!”
“Wait a minute. You’re not going to tell me you heard this news about Trump this morning - that he has been credibly charged in a paternity suit?”
“Well. No, not now. But the day is early. It could happen. Actually it was Harding. He had an affair with his wife’s best friend, Nan Britton. They had a baby. Really, I think it’s just a matter of time for Trump, and I wouldn’t put it past him if it was someone the First Lady knew.”
I just looked at my dog. What a way to start a morning. Being bested in an area of expertise I thought I had over her. But obviously not. Although she may not have had these facts on hand, and could have been looking all of them up; I knew she was fully capable of doing just that.
Oh well. Middie left me to enjoy my coffee, now cold. I began thinking about how our trip to Atlanta might go, and covering the Democratic Debate. At least I was bringing along a knowledgeable research buddy.
Central News Service, proudly bringing you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize winning Fake Newsman, William Southold
(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize.)
