Well its been about eight days since I wrote a piece making fun of myself. Considering that I am a complete goof who is constantly doing things worthy of being made fun of, that is an eternity.
Yesterday my wife and I got into a conversation about things a man over forty should never say.
Ok this is cheating. "The Situation" is only 35... but no-one should ever say anything he says so it still counts.
At the time, I wasn't sure how we got on that subject. In retrospect, I now know the conversation was sparked by the fact that my wife is a diabolical genius!
This conversation was no accident. More on that later.
So we began trying to top each other's silly suggestions.
Here's what we came up with in no particular order:
"Are you pregnant?" (said to any woman who is not currently in the act of actually giving birth)
"Here kids, take my credit card."
"Sure mom you can spend the week with us."
"When's the last time you shotgunned a beer?"
"Groovy"
"Waz up?!!!!!"
or just "'Sup?" (accompanied by a single upward head nod)
"Dude" (More than once per day)
"But dear, lap dances were 2 for 1. If I didn't get the second one, it would be like leaving money on the table. Plus she would have been insulted."
"I'd like a shot of Bacardi 151."
"Sun's out...guns out."
"Can I have a Zima?"
"TTFN"
"Can you watch the kids while I go talk to that waitress?"
"My friend Death Nuts and I are going to Vegas with Charlie Sheen."
Then she ended with...
"Puppy-monkey-baby"
Wait!
I see what you did there.
My wife had very stealthily worked in things that I say that annoy here. She's an evil genius!
The first two are rather harmless. I will admit that I say "groovy" far more than anyone in 2017 should (which is probably once). But I kind of do it for the camp value... plus it has now become an unbreakable habit. I also say "dude" almost as much as this guy...
I'm sure it's pretty annoying.
But one phrase on that list might land me in divorce court some day.
Each day since Super Bowl 50 was played on February 7, 2016 I have inched closer and closer to either my wife divorcing me... or killing me.
On that fateful day, PepsiCo paid $5 million to air the following Mountain Dew commercial (and nearly ruin my marriage).
I couldn't get "puppy-monkey-baby" out of my head. I had to let it out. And let it out I did. If I were in a quiet room in our house, I would randomly let a "puppy-monkey-baby" fly. Stopped in traffic? Time to sing "puppy-monkey-baby". Sitting quietly at a baby's Baptism? That is the perfect time to whisper "puppy-monkey-baby" to your wife.
Eventually it faded. I stopped.
Then a couple of weeks ago, those jackasses at PepsiCo brought it back. I am right back were I started.
It will be a daily struggle to try and stop saying "puppy-monkey-baby". But I love my wife so I must try. So please wish me luck in my quest to avoiding driving my wife over the edge. I'm going to need it.
By the way, if (when) my wife does kill me, can you please make sure they put this on my tombstone...
"Puppy-monkey-baby"!