I was growing up I thought. No longer could I sit around and coast off the laurels of my participation trophies. I needed to show the world the true genius that was at work here. This was my time to prove to all those losers in high school that I was the one. That in fact, I was winning. I needed something material, something everlasting. Perhaps I would seek an Oscar, maybe I’d write a song and win a Grammy. Nay! I needed not to ask what award I wanted, rather which one did I need? I would have to obtain the Nobel Prize in Physics.
The first thing I would have to do in order to get the Nobel Prize in Physics would be to learn Physics. The problem with this is I only have a 10th grade Pre-Calculus mathematics education. Some of you may be asking, why wouldn’t you just go after the Nobel Peace Prize if you don’t know much math? Peace seems a little on the nose, and I’m no pussy. My mom always told me that I could be anything I wanted. She always said I was a very physical kid, I was always bulldozing kids on the playground. I always thought that I was doing it out of insecurity, but then I realized I was a genius even from a young age. I had been discovering inertia and gravity before anyone else in my 3rd grade.
I hired a college student to teach me physics at the local library. We were 12 sessions in, when I decided to confide in her my real intention of winning the Nobel prize in Physics. She seemed a little confused and told me that she thought I possessed great potential but my project seemed a little out of reach. It struck me as odd that she would say these things to me, considering she didn’t even have a Nobel Prize in Physics. I decided not to tell her this and spare her feelings. I would have to continue this tutoring lessons it became apparent to me, for her and not for me.
My physics tutoring was going well enough, but at this pace I would only win the Nobel Prize in Physics by the age of 86. Unacceptable! I needed to change some of my habits to give me more time. I would have to start waking up earlier in the morning. Let’s say 10AM.
My daily routine would look like this:
10AM- Wake up
10:30AM-Eat breakfast
11:15AM-Feed the cat
11:30AM-Watch some cosmos
3PM-Physics tutoring meeting
3:45PM-Physics homework
4PM-More Cosmos
5PM-Food Network
2AM-Sleep
Yet again I ran into another problem. My lack of money to practice physics was going to pose a serious hindrance to the physics vibes I wanted to throw down. If I really want to win this thing, I was going to need some serious cash. I have therefore started a Kickstarter page called ‘Money for Jonah to Practice Physics’, in order for you, my fans to donate to my goal. The goal is $650,000 in 2 weeks. Rewards range from the lowest: a digital high five, to the highest: feeding my cat, ‘Friction’. I look forward to practicing some physics in the upcoming weeks with your help!
As people have been catching on to my journey to win the Nobel Prize in Physics, they ask questions like “Is Physics genetic?” The answer is yes, you either have Physics or you don’t. It just takes some people longer than others to realize. They ask me why I’m doing this. To make a difference! They say things like “This seems purely self-interested and narcissistic”. And to those people I ask, “If I don’t do this, then who will?”