Never Let A Prosthetic Leg Go To Waste - And Other Advice From My Mom

About 6 months ago, I failed at convincing my mom to get on steemit. BUT I did convince her to let me write her stories down and then post them here.

Warning: If you don't want to read about "poopy," or nurse stories, you better bounce out of here before it's too late and you can't unread what you've just read!

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Warning #2: My mom is straight up crazy. And yes, that's a compliment.

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Some of you already know that she likes to touch my butt and wears potty hats on her head.

Have I also mentioned that she likes to go dancing with a big string of toilet paper hanging out of her pants just because she thinks it's funny?

Or that she's made fake diapers out of bedsheets and wore it over her nurses uniform at work?

Well, now you know the kind of stories we're about to get into here.

I'm handing over the stories to my mom now.

These are her words. I just typed exactly what she said... so read as if she's talking to ya.

Who's Poop Dis Is?

Here’s a good poop story.

Remember when your grandma had two shitzus?

Well, your grandma said to me, “ I found a turd on the floor. But I didn’t know if I should yell at the dogs or not, because it might have been mine.”

The Stool Mystery

There was a nursing home patient who was impacted (poopy) and you have to dig it out with your fingers.

The nurse said, “Honey, we’re gonna have to get this stool out?”

And she said, “How’d a stool get in there?”

The Colonoscopy Underwear Dilemma

"Do I really need to take my underwear off for a colonoscopy?" - Mom's colonoscopy patient

"No, we can cut a hole in it." -My mom

Never Let A Prosthetic Leg Go To Waste

One time we had a lady come in who was a severe diabetic. The sweetest lady as far as her demeanor. She always just smiled and had this cute little laugh.

When it came to her diabetes- she had heart surgery, an amputated leg and she was on our floor because she had to have her other leg amputated as well.

Now she has no legs, right?

So what does your mother do?

Don’t let a prosthetic leg go to waste, right????

Literally, working on the night shift, I crawled…CRAWLED..on my hands and knees to her closet (with my clothes on. fortunately).

I grabbed her prosthetic leg and snuck it out of the room.

Then I bent my leg and then wore it up to the nurse's station.

And oh my gosh the reactions, they DIED.

They’d just say, "I can’t believe you did that."

Do you realize the germs that are on that leg?

I just go “Yep.”

We loved that patient. But that was just the kind of stuff we did.

It helped you get through the sad stuff you saw.

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"The Other Bad Story." Well, I’ve got 2 actually, no 3, or 80.

Ok, this was so disrespectful. On our night shift, another nurse had every indication that her patient was going to die soon.

Comatose, unresponsive etc.

So I went to help this other nurse turn her and stuff and the family was standing outside.

Well, I thought it would be funny to pick up her toothbrush and say, “Welp, she won’t need this anymore.”

And throw it in the trash.

So then I start picking up random items, like her comb and say “Welp, she won’t need this anymore.”

And start cracking up.

And the other nurse starts laughing at me, which adds fuel to the fire.

Don’t laugh at me when I'm doing something that I shouldn’t be doing, because then I’ll just do more of it.

So other items went into the trash.

And of course we were just dying laughing and we got done with what we were doing and walked out of the room, fully expecting when we came back on our next shift the next night she was going to be dead.

Oh, nay nay.

Our next shift, she was very much communicating, alert, oriented, talking to her family.

I thought “Oh crap, I hope they don’t know that I threw all of her stuff away.”

It didn’t matter, because the day after she passed away.

So we were right, but we were a day off.

The stuff I had to do to get through some of my shifts, man.

It’s disrespectful, but it helps me deal with things.

But let me tell you, everybody wanted to work with me, I’ll tell you that.

I think it helped all of us to cope a little better.