Can you hear the crickets? Feeling lonely tonight? Does your post need some lovin'?
1-900-This-Man to the rescue!
That's right! There's no better day than today!
This Man Understands
Sleeping with those unresponsive comment dolls just isn't the same.
Are you sick of the same ol' same ol', "Congratulations on winning another post you hotdog master of the universe you," conversation under your blog posts?
Or Worse!
You wrote a post, it took all day plus part of yesterday; you're pumped, you're ready, you hit the post button so exciting and: nothing?
You stare, you hit refresh twelve times, you check the headline to make sure you didn't say 'Penis' when you actually meant to say 'Pens'; no unfortunate typo in sight.
What's going on here, where is everyone, why isn't anyone talking to me?
Are only a few of the questions you ask yourself moments before you reach for that lonely last drop of the beer bottle, again.
The Answer Is:
Who cares!
With This Man's Personalized automated messenger service:
You won't have to drink alone anymore!
That's Right!
For the forever low-low price of 1 SBD; you can sit and listen to This Man!
*2.99 SBD for each additional comment
This Man
Will personally visit your post!
You will receive one of ten personalized messages after being prompted to enter the code to This Man's Secret Lair!
1-900-This Man!
1-900-This Man!
1-900-This Man! 
Collect All Ten!
Nice picture of squirrels.
Is that a banana in your post or are you just happy to see This Man?
The man in the first picture looks like a loser. Is he your boyfriend?
This Man will follow you now so This Man can see what your blog looks like; from the back.
This post made This Man hard. Keep up the good work.
This Man will have to go out and buy more lube after reading this post.
This Man likes this post and you're right.
Plus three secret messages!
1-900-This Man!
1-900-This Man!
1-900-This Man!
So what are you waiting for!
Hell won't freeze over! It's Spring!
Call 1-900-This-Man and never feel alone again!
Disclaimer: Personalized messages are actually recordings from ten years ago. Always read the fine print. It costs 1 SBD just to call This Man so you can hear his phone ring and another 2.99 SBD to have This Man actually leave a comment on your blog. You will receive one of ten prerecorded messages. It's not This Man's fault if you get the same message twice even though you paid for a new one, that's your fault. Collecting all ten might cost a few thousand dollars so ask your parent's permission first before using their credit card. If you get put on hold, there will be a 1 SBD 'being put on hold' fee. That's how you make the big bucks. If you become addicted and require treatment, call 1-900-That-Guy to have your head examined for only 5.99 SBD plus 1 SBD for each additional minute. Signup and processing fees are extra, yet to be determined, and will show up on your next bill. All billing inquiries and disputes can be settled by calling 1-900-No-Money and speaking to one of our representatives for only 2.99 SBD per minute. This Man will not be available for comment, unless you call 1-900-This-Man, of course. This is not a legitimate business. Anyone who calls these numbers or sends money to this account for these bogus services has an issue with reading comprehension that cannot be resolved without the assistance of something like Hooked on Phonics or nearly one decade's worth of public schooling. Some money sent to this account for these bogus services might go towards purchasing a new slide and maybe a swing set so you'll have something to do after the bell rings for recess. The rest will go to whiskey, blow, two small propane canisters, hotdogs, ketchup, mustard, relish, buns, some of those paper plates, napkins, a basket of sorts, a thick sheet, and six bottles of whatever kind of wine your mom likes to drink at picnics; the end.
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