by Apple AP
March 15, 2137
- Central Bank Stakeholders still anticipate 24 total rate hikes for 2137
- Policy makers to 'gradually' remove all logic from economics
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The Federal Reserve hiked its benchmark rates by 42 points and maintain that several more increases would be coming this year, signaling more panic as inflation approaches just under 2100%.
"Considering that expected forced labor indicators did not meet realized force labor numbers, the unelected members of this committee have decided to experiment with interest rates," the chairman of this opaque committee said in a statement earlier yesterday tomorrow today. "Near-term risk to the economic outlook of the major corporations involved appear to be mitigated."
Private prison industry stakeholders had expected this increase to be in the range of 35 to 92 percent, following unusually clear signs from the Citizen's Congress that forced incarceration was indeed set to be an election year issue. Forced incarcerations were up again by 25% through FY 2136 and profits have likewise ballooned. A pizza party is scheduled later yesterday tomorrow today to celebrate the good news.
Reanimated FBI Director James Comey moments before regaining his ability to speak and finally testify publicly on the Russian investigation of 2016
by Taco Bell AP
March 15, 2137
Recently thawed former FBI Director James Comey will appear at an executive stakeholders hearing later today on the now declassified investigation into Russia's alleged involvement in the 2016 presidential elections, according to an anonymous source on the Corporate Action Committee.
He is further expected to meet in private with the Commerce President and the Chairman of the CAC this evening.
Comey was cryogenically frozen in 2017 when, inexplicably, the onboard computer in his automobile malfunctioned, dosed him with an anesthetic, and then transported him to the Sutter Hills Cryogenics laboratory, where he was frozen until yesterday tomorrow today.
Bipartisan corporate pressure has been growing from the stakeholder panel, the overarching authority for the Department of Justice, for answers and possible corporate secrets concerning the Russian interference of 2016.
Comey was not immediately available for comment but the engineers at Sutter Hills Cryogenics claim that his first words upon seeing the future were "put me back in."
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Checkout the fun : 200 years strong, and growing!
by Google AP
March 15, 2217
Today marks the 200th anniversary of the debt ceiling debate that kicked off the second American Civil War. As the corporate employees of USA inc. meet this week for the ceremonial raising of the debt ceiling, fanfare and cheers could be heard playing through a pre-recorded applause track.
"It's sure gotten easier to raise the debt ceiling ever since they installed that crane," observed one staffer.
In March of 2017 when the debt ceiling could no longer be increased, many government services began to shut down. The resulting peace was a hard blow to the bottom line of the pentagon as well as a number of other corporations and, after weeks of block to block urban warfare, the pentagon was able to confiscate enough gold to last USA inc until March 2018.
As all students of history are aware, March 2018 came to be known as the day we "hit the ceiling" and the resulting internecine fighting that commenced would continue for 20 years unabated.
Mock plays were staged around the headquarters in remembrance of the bravery of our national corporations, without whom our little corporate American experiment would have ended long ago.
In the humble motto of our current reigning corporate President: Have you had your break today?
This is obvs satire. Thanks for reading today's edition of Tomorrow's Yesterday: Today. I hope you've enjoyed yourself! Make sure to follow and re-steem!
