The Top 5 Assholes in Order Vespoidea
In my earliest days as an entomologist, I lived the life of little more than an errand boy for more tenured scientists at my University. Put this jar of apis cerana japonica ejaculate in the microwave, they would say; Deposit a paper sack full of halyomorpha halys in the women's eye wash station, they would demand; Eat this onthophagus nigriventris while you're on the phone with your mother back home, their cruel words would command, ringing in my ears to this day!
In the intervening years, I have become one of the most celebrated men in my field. Those dark, tormented days at University are difficult to revisit in memory, but one must acknowledge the path that led one to significance in maturity. Yes, I consumed many insects, and frightened many a prospective romantic partner with a face pockmarked with fresh buthus occitanus stings. It is what made me the man I am today, however, and I wouldn't replace those... those godawful experiences for all of the white rappers in Canada.
As satisfied and confident I have become in my field, however, I must tell you, it is not all biscuits and BitCheese. Working in the field means that I must interact first-hand with many an irate insectoid. The commonly accepted understanding is that these minute denizens of the wild are more frightened of you than you are of them, and should you fall victim to their finely evolved defensive mechanisms in your pursuit of entomological reward, it was likely your fault, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
This, however, is not always the case. Sometimes, you're just dealing with some real motherfucking assholes (scientifically speaking). Specifically, these motherfucking assholes:
1. This Fucker
Just look at him. Yeah, granted, he's, like, an inch and a half long, and fairly easy to swat away if he tries to get up in your grill. But get up in your grill he most certainly will, and if you do manage to land a good slap on him, you always manage to hit right square on his stinger with the meaty part of your palm. What an asshole.
2. Fuck This Guy
Ah shit, would you look at this god damn thing? He's probably always flying around like this, all ready to stab me if I get too close without realizing it. I bet there's one of these fucking things outside my office right now, too. That'd be exactly the kind of shit this asshole likes to pull on unsuspecting PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY like myself. Fuck this guy.
3. Jesus Shit
I mean, holy fuck, right? What's even the point? What's even the point of these things? I'm a fucking ENTOMOLOGIST and I don't get why the fuck we have these in the world. It's like, all the adorable, harmless baby animals that have been killed by tragic, unavoidable, yet horrific and undoubtedly breathtakingly painful circumstances... yet these fucking things are still just flying around everywhere, ready to RUIN YOUR DAY.
4. God Is Dead
If you doubt me, I present to you Exhibit A. Seriously, why else? Why? Just WHY?
5. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Holy shit, there's two of them.
That's it. I quit. I hope some of you found this informative. I guess. I don't care. I'm getting out of here. And don't tell Professor Stockton that I hid a gluvia dorsalis in his cottage cheese.