#10-TOP 10 JOKES.LAUGHING MY ASS OFF BIG TIME.Some of my favorite quotes, jokes,motivation,facts and true stories during my life time.

MY TOP 10 JOKES FOR THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY. CAN YOU GET TO THE END WITHOUT LAUGHING!!? I DARE YOU!

Two Irish man approaching each other. "Top of the morning to ya Murphy!" "Aye, its a glorious day!" replies old man Murphy. " What that you got there Murphy?" ask Paddy. " Why I got some here fish, Paddy. Tell you what. If you can guess how many fish I got in this here bag, I'll give you both of them!"

Paddy to Murphy- "Three?"

Young couple in a confession box. Young man to Father. "Forgive us father for we have sinned. We preformed pre -marital sex."
Father to couple-"What happened?" Young man-" I couldn't help myself father, the way she flicks her hair, her wet top clinging to her breast and she bent over in front of me to pick up her water bottle. I just had to do her then and there!". "Young woman- "That muscular chest and strong arms, I so wanted him to do me from behind!"
Father to couple- If you continue to engage in pre-marital sex, I will have to ban you from the Church!!!!!

Young man to father- "We both understand, we've been banned from every gas station forecourt in town!"

American Indian village. Child about to be born within a Teepee. Chief sitting outside when he is approached by young boy. Young boy to Chief- "Chief, you name every child that is born in the village. How do you come up with their names?
Chief to boy-" Well son, I look out beyond yonder, If I see the willows swaying in the breeze, if it is a girl, I name her Whispering Willows. I look out yonder and if I see a wild stallion bucking and trashing, I name boy, Crazy Horse. I look out yonder and if I see baffalo running, I name boy Running Bull. You are very inquisitive today.

Why do you ask these questions, Two Dogs Fucking?"

An American, Englishman and an Irishman are on an isolated deserted island after being shipwrecked.

When they come upon a bottle floating close to shore. Upon rubbing the bottle a genie magically appears. The genie grants each man one wish each. The American wishes for " A billion dollars, fame, large ranch, mansions everywhere and to be surrounded by the most beautiful woman". POOF! The genie says "Done and so it is"! The American is happy with his new life. The Englishman wishes for " Noble titles, two billion pounds, a knighthood, an English Castle and Manors all over Britain and a bevvy of beautiful noble woman at my every beck and call" POOF! The genie says "Done and so it is so!" The Englishman is very happy with his new life. Finally, The Irishman, after a long moment of pondering and in deep thought, says

"I'M FEELING A LITTLE LONELY AT THE MOMENT, WISH THOSE TWO FELLOWS WERE BACK HERE WITH ME". POOF! AND SO IT IS SO!

Two curious young children in the next room can hear moans and groans from their parents room. Young boy to sister- " What are they doing?". Sister to brother, " I asked them that question a couple of days ago. According to dad, its a game they play called daddy parking his Ferrari in mum's garage.

BUT according to mum, its a game called daddy parking his mini in mum's double garage!"

A mouse and an elephant approach each other. The elephant looks down at the mouse condescendingly.

The mouse to the elephant-"Why do you look down on me?As if you are better than every other animal in the kingdom! Tell you what, I could fuck you so hard that you wouldn't know what hit you!"
Of course the elephant laughs but decides to let the little mouse fuck her. The elephant lays down and the mouse pulls out his dick and mounts the elephant from behind and proceeds to pump away with all his might. Right at that moment a coconut falls out of a tree and hits the elephant squarely on the head. The elephant groans and screams out in pain.The mouse to the elephant-

"Take that bitch,that's what I'm talking about. You want more, who's your daddy now?!"

A young man feeling a little depressed and lacking in energy is approached by his boss. Boss to young Johnny-" Johnny, you look a little depressed and lethargic. Could I give you some words of advice? Johnny replies, "Yes". Boss- "Well, Johnny, when ever I feel a little depressed and things are getting on top of me. I sometimes shoot home during lunch break and make deep passionate love to my wife and I always feel much better when I return to work. Try it sometime." Johnny replies, "Sure boss, I'll give it a go on the next break." Upon Johnny's return from his lunch break the boss is eager to learn the results of Johnny's little adventure.Boss- "Well Johnny, how did it go?"
Johnny- "Well boss, it was one of the most therapeutic things that I have ever done, I am super relaxed, the tension and stress has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel like I can take on the world, I feel awesome!!!

Ohh by the way boss, your wife said to tell you to bring home some milk and bread!"

A young man see's a huge sign plastered on the side of a tall building. It reads- Climb to Success! He reads a little notice at the bottom of the building that says that whoever makes it to the top of the building will be rewarded.Not being particularly busy that day and curious as to what could on the top of the building, he decides to make the climb up the numerous flights of stairs. He reaches the fifth floor and sees another of the the 'Climb to Success' signs. He continues the climb.

Again on the tenth floor he sees yet another of the 'Climb to success' signs. He becomes a little tired but he pushes himself forward and continues. Yet again on reaching the fifteenth floor, there is another of the all too familiar "Climb to success' signs. With determination he pushes on wards and upwards. Finally on the exit to the twentieth and final floor, he sees the last of the "Climb to Success' signs. Tired and a little bewildered, he finally emerges through the open door to the top of the building! Lo and behold, there standing before him is a transvestite in full gay paraphernalia.

He ask- "Who are you?"

The tranny replies " Why darling, I am Cess...... Climb to suck Cess!!"!

A man looks at himself in the mirror and doesn't like what he sees. He is fat, unfit, older looking and unhealthy. He decides to do something about it. He spots an ad in his local paper. The ad states the following : "We guarantee that you will lose weight and become a lot more healthier. Try one of our four fast track packages to a healthier YOU"

Packages :$100 = Lose 5 kg, $200 = Lose 10 kg, $500 = Lose 20 kg, $1000 = Lose 30 kg
The man can't believe how good this company sounds but decides to forge ahead. He rings the company to order the cheapest option of $100. Early the next day, there is a knock on his door. He answers the door and standing before him is an attractive older woman and a blonde bomb shell of a woman with Marilyn Monroe features. Older woman ask "Are you Mr Wilson?" Wilson replies with an affirmative. She continues "Mr Wilson, as per our agreement. We guarantee that you will lose 5 kg. You have 1 hour to try to catch little Missy here, provided you stay within the confines of your house. If you do catch Missy, you can have your way with her for however minutes remaining from your allotted hour. YOUR TIME STARTS NOW!"
Suddenly Missy bolts through the door, Wilson chases her through the kitchen, down into the lounge, over a table and over his bed. Finally after 16 minutes he finally catches her in the laundry. He picks her up and places her sensual ass on to the washing machine and makes sweet passionate love for the remaining minutes. Exactly at the hour mark, there is a knock at the door. The older woman "so this concludes our business. Tonight Mr Wilson at mid-night, check your weight, you should be 5 kg lighter." Sure enough that night, Wilson does check his weight and to his amazement, he really has lost 5 kg and feeling so much better.

Several days pass and Wilson has recovered from his exertion. He starts to wonder what would the better packages entail? He orders the $200 special. Sure enough the next day a familiar knock on the door. The older woman is standing in front of a stunning red head with a ripping body. Old woman "Mr Wilson, you know the routine, YOUR TIME STARTS NOW! Beautiful red head bolts through the door and Wilson filled with lust gives chase.Up and over furniture, down through the hallway, through the bathroom. Finally Wilson catches her in his bedroom with 29 minutes to spare. He makes rough and uncompromising love to the red headed scarlet with the softest skin that he has ever experienced. Later that night he weighs himself and lo and behold he has lost a further 10 kg. Several days pass once more and Wilson just can't believe his luck. Not only is he feeling fantastic, looking much younger, filled with energy but he has just had some of the best sex ever. He decides that he will try the $500 special and makes the call. Sure enough, the next day the all too familiar knock on the door. Standing behind the older woman is an Amazonian woman with the most whitest pale skin and muscles ripping and glistering against the sunshine. She is a goddess of a woman, a once in a lifetime encounter, a man's dream woman. Wilson is left with his mouth gaping at this true gem of a woman. He is filled with anticipation and eager to engage...no sooner than the old woman uttered the words "Start now", Wilson was off! Tearing away furniture, huge jumps and bounds, his legs have never moved so fast in the entirety of his life. He is finding it difficult to keep up with this most amazing athletic woman but with every ounce of strength and the last of his adrenaline he finally catches her with 14 minutes to spare . He savors every one of those 14 minutes and becomes lost in her embrace, this time he is slow with his lovemaking. Studying every nook and cranny of this goddess master piece, recording every detail to be locked away in his brain for future reference. He traps himself in this moment of time in the hope that it will never end. Alas, the inevitable knock on the door at the agreed 1 hour mark jerks him back to reality. This is one of the most happiest moments that Wilson has ever experienced. To his surprise, he does lose a further 20 kilograms. Several days pass once again. He can not believe his luck. A week of the best sex and he looks and feels amazing. He decides that he should try the final package. This would definitively get him down to his target weight and the sex is sure to blow his mind. He calls to book the final package. Next day, the all too familiar knock on the door. Wilson opens the door. To his surprise, standing behind the old woman is an 8 foot gorilla.

Old woman, " Mr Wilson, this is Brute. If he catches you within the next hour, he will have his way with you. YOUR TIME STARTS NOW!"

An English hunter determined to catch a dear is warned by the African tribesmans' not to venture over a particular mountain. As there was a bear in that particular area renown for raping and forcing sex on any person stupid enough to venture into his territory. The Englishman being particularly stubborn and arrogant decides that the local legends are nothing more than superstition. So he ventures over the mountain. Suddenly he hears an all mighty roar that sends shivers down his spine. In the distance, he sees a huge beast of a bear, towering over eight feet in height, rushing towards him. He fires off a shot and misses. In fright he turns to flee, stumbles and panics. Suddenly the bear is upon him, ripping off his clothes and shredding them to pieces. The bear violently enters the man from behind and starts to pound the man endlessly and after an hour of non stop pounding, both the bear and man fall; exhausted from their exertion. The bear slowly wanders back into the jungle. The man, in pain slowly crawls his way back over the mountain and is picked up by the locals. A month passes and the man returns to England.
While in recuperation , he visits the local Gentlemens' club. One of the members approach him and ask "I hear old chap that you have just returned from Africa after a dear hunt. We have all heard of your unfortunate experience, it must of been very painful?"

To which the man replies- "Of course it was! I never got a return phone call, no text messages, no email , no telegraph, no smoke signals, banging of drums, carrier pigeon messages, light house signals. I feel like I was used and abused by that damn bear. Really did hurt my feelings!"

If you enjoyed any of the jokes. Please check out my other post for more laughs!

https://steemit.com/funny/@skytronia/9-laughing-my-ass-off-big-time-some-of-my-favorite-quotes-jokes-motivation-facts-and-true-stories-during-my-life-time

https://steemit.com/funny/@skytronia/8-laughing-my-ass-off-big-time-some-of-my-favorite-quotes-jokes-motivation-and-true-stories-that-i-have-created-over-my-life

https://steemit.com/funny/@skytronia/7-laughing-my-ass-off-big-time-some-of-my-favorite-quotes-jokes-motivation-and-true-stories-that-i-have-created-over-my-life

https://steemit.com/funny/@skytronia/6-laughing-my-ass-off-big-time-some-of-my-favorite-quotes-jokes-motivation-and-true-stories-that-i-have-created-over-my-life

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