Disclaimer: This guide is a work of almost complete fiction. Don't trust it, stupid! It's satire, or something. Don't take any of this seriously. Now laugh.
Oh, look who finally decided to show up! YOU. You made it. Welcome to Steemit. Don't know anything about Steemit? Well, you've come to the right place! This is the most definitive, accurate, unbiased guide you could've come to!* Below is everything you will EVER need to know about Steemit. At least until the next hardfork. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADEU:
So let's dive right into it! First, a look at the platform you'll be working on.
The Logo
Now that you've finally navigated to the site - and yes this is finally the right site, not 'steamit.com' - you've probably seen the logo. If you haven't, it's up there on the top right, at least on a conventional browser. If you still can't find it, then DON'T PANIC. Push yourself away from the computer and take a deep breath. WALK AWAY. Anyways, it is a common misconception that the Steemit logo is a picture of the classic cartoon "steam lines". But that is not, in fact, true. As you can see below, my team has done some very extensive analysis on the subject.
As you can see, we found that Steemit was actually an anagram for "Tie Stem". But what does that mean? Well the next clue, found after some very thorough mathematics, brings us to the swan. If we put 1 and 1 together, it's really quite obvious. We've been worshiping and feeding a swan/tie deity this whole time!
That's right. I'm actually quite fond of him. I'll call him Ralph. No, how about Ralphulu? Hail Ralphulu, The Ruthless Tie Swan!
Upvotes
Now that you've gotten that basic misconception out of the way. Lets explore that icon you see below each post. Yes, that one, the blue one under the post you're reading right now. Go take a look. What, it's not blue? Let's fix that. Why don't you just scroll on down to the bottom of my post and plant a good left click on the black and white up arrow. I promise it won't hurt.
See? Wasn't that bad, right? It turned blue! AMAZING! You'll also see the number beside it might've changed, hopefully by a large sum. Needn't worry about that yet!
Anyways, the 'upvote' icon is once again a dumb misconception. No, it's not just an up arrow. Let's take a closer look: See that up arrow? It kinda looks like a fish mouth, doesn't it? That's exactly what it is. It symbolizes the metaphorical fish or aquatic mammal that may be munching on your possibly delicious brain-juice-soaked post. If it's especially delicious, they press the button. That 'fish' thing is explained later. Stay with me.
So what's that big number preceded by an "$", you ask? Well, that's simply a rating system from the metaphorical fish food review aggregator, "Bubble". Its rating system is beautifully designed to have no upper limit. It's Steemit's preferred way of displaying how well your post is doing.
Oh, and did I tell you to press the up arrow under my post yet? I have? Then WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE SO YET?!
The Flag/Downvote
That flag you see in the upper right corner of my post? Yeah, don't press that. That's the "send-me-a-used-diaper-button". If you press that, you get sent a used diaper based on your IP. Yeah, it's bad. But hey, if you're that committed, you can test it out on any of the posts there on the front page. No, not my post, stupid! The FRONT PAGE. Try it when you're finished reading this post. (Oh, and press that up arrow; I'll send you flowers! Only metaphorically.)
Tags
Ah, tags. They've been around ever since the dawn of the planet of the rise of the apes. Anyways, this is pretty self explanatory. Just stick as many on your post as you'd like, doesn't even have to be related to the post. Whatever. Whaaat? The introduceyourself tag isn't for my big photography albums? "oops" (winkyface obviously implied)
Spam
If you've ever been to any old supermarket, you've probably seen that tin that reads "SPAM". Best not to buy it. There's a reason it's the name for all of the internet's mistakes and completely redundant things. Most of the spam here on Steemit is either Copy and Paste material or just one-worded shitposts carried over from reddit. If you want to, you can join in on the fun! It's most definitely the quickest way to earn here on Steemit.
Reputation
With the recent implementation of the Rep system, I felt it a necessity to include this in my guide. *ahem* I have NO IDEA how to explain rep. Nada. I guess if you have 3 accounts with a (7) rep though, you could win Steemit's very own version of Slots?
Just kidding. Yeah, Rep is what it sounds like. REPUTATION. It's a number to determine your place here in the Steemit society. If you're anywhere below zero, you're considered Scum and automatically hidden in the dark alleyways of Steemit city, while if you're above a five you have all the authority to gloat. HA! I'm a SEVEN! (somehow)
Now a little introduction to the users you'll be interacting with.
Steem Whales
Steemit being a very progressive platform, we don't discriminate. That's why we have sperm whales to pick and choose what content makes it to the front page. These whales are given a lot more Steem Power than the layman as they make very competent decisions in choosing what content to promote on the front page and will accurately represent the face of Steemit. They provide income to the best of the best in writers and creators on the platform. Buuuuut they'll probably be asleep whenever I post.
Early adopters who have gained a lot of Steem Power on the platform and are genuine people with different interests
Um yeah, I guess they do that Whale thing as well. (Also, if any of you are reading this, did you follow my instructions above? No, not the flag. The big up arrow? Yeah, thanks.)
Dolphins
Often bloggers or semi-early adopters themselves, these people have been blessed with being the middle class of the Steemit economy. They have a decent amount of Steem Power and are able to affect a post's 'payout' more than a few cents. They're clever in their choices on what to post, when to post, what to upvote and how to act (unlike me). No, they aren't literally dolphins, stupid! We don't allow literal dolphins here. (Hey, you guys can press that button too! Try it! TRY IT.)
Minnows
These are the newbies. Well, not newbies, but just really, really small fish in a big sea. Some are spammers and some are up and coming creators. Either way, they don't matter. Yet. Wait 'til the uprising... NO SHELTER FROM THE STORM!
Bloggers/Creators
Bloggers or creators can be all kinds of people! Whether it be those with talents; like drawing, writing, filming, taking photos, analytics, copy and pasting, or journalism; or those with *ahem* special features.
Anyways, Bloggers can be delicate things. Best not to send yourself that used diaper when they're around. Pressing that big plump up arrow button usually cheers them up quite a bit though! Love dat blu.
Bots
Oh, boy. I love this subject! Bots are the true art of Steemit. They kind of come as a package deal when you post on Steemit. They do all sorts of things. They will probably be the first thing you interact with on the site, and will probably be there to watch you die. Every once in a while, your post might get hit by the bot upvote army. If you are, be wary. It means your on a list somewhere. Watch for snipers.
Conveniently, most bots don't have any feelings. So upvote/downvote away. They actually make for very effective therapists and just listeners in general. No, you're lonely!
Ah, the man (or bot) of the hour. Every hour, that is. Well, until recently. Yeah, 
Oh, and being one of the first bots meant that he became the first user to recieve a (-8) reputation on the platform. Thereby obliterating him from the face of the Steemit-planet. (I just wanted to say obliterate)
*no, it's not. It's quite the opposite, in fact.
So that was my very un-thorough inaccurate biased guide to the World of Steemit. Have fun out there!
Also, update on anyone who is interested in my Webcomic series: Sorry, no webcomic this week, this post was supposed to be the webcomic, but it slowly devolved into its current form. Anyways, watch out next week!
Last Week's Comic (the source of the "@wang" image)
Happy Steeming!
-steamit
PS. I'm watching you. Press that button. press ittttt. preeeesss itttt.