In light of the recent posts and comments on religion, I'd like to offer a new humor-infused piece on the centralized power of organized religion.
Wait, Did the Pope Just Cause Hell To Go Bankrupt?
Despite the numerous updates that Pope Francis is bringing to the church, their monetary policy unfortunately remains unchanged, only that he’s a little more outspoken on the subject than his predecessors, but the song remains the same.
You know the drill, money is evil, the western middle-class enjoys an extravagant standard of living, all while preaching from a palace which ceilings are made of Gold
His views on the economy is what worries people the most, some have already started to voice their concerns about his plans and proposals, claiming - quite possibly with reason on their side - that all they’re going to achieve is more central planning and less personal liberty.
Others went further and started comparing him to Karl Marx himself and some even started quoting Karl marx’s wife, Jenny. “How about just this once, you go generate some capital instead of preaching about it”.
Because let’s face it, looking up to the preaching class for financial advice is like asking virgins for sex tips.
I guess they’ve got a point. Financial inexperience can drive you to bankruptcy, and bankruptcy occurred alright.
Only in the most unexpected place of all:
In hell itself.
Here’s what happened:
As it turns out Pope Francis had the brave and brilliant idea to declare that atheists and homosexuals are now welcome in heaven. Bold move indeed.
First of all, don’t you tink someone should notify God about this?
I mean it’s a significant change of policy, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for this new tolerant and inclusive version, but one cannot help but wonder:
What’s gonna happen now to all the gays, lesbians and atheists who are already in hell?
Are they gonna be transferred immediately to heaven? And if so, are they gonna adapt easily into their new after-life? Quite the PTSD I imagine after a few millennia in hell, or in this case, PTHD.
You better hope they sell Xanax in heaven.
And by the way, are they gonna receive any refunds for time served? What’s the compensation package in these cases? Is there some sort of extra-special heaven treatment we should know about?
You see, these are all questions that needed to be asked.
I know this may sound funny to you, but do you have the slightest idea what they’re dealing with right now? I can only imagine of course, but I assume that angels and demons are busy setting up some inter-galactic Heaven-Hell space shuttles. The H.H Express.
Gilgimesh had to step down to become a chauffeur!
I know, he couldn’t believe it either.
Here’s a crazy thought, how is it that all the demons are given scary names like Abaddon, Belzebub, Adramalech… While all the angels are given traditional names, Michael, Gabriel, Emmanuel? You never meet a demon called Steve.
But I’m digressing…Where was I?
Oh yeah bankruptcy, the pope keeps lecturing us about money, ironically one of the best-selling business books of 2015 was called: The Vatican’s Bankers. Talk about skeletons in the closet.
I mean the Vatican is composed by a tiny number of people with a small number of employees. They receive billions of Dollars in donations and pay none of the taxes. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to wonder: Where does all that money go?
Is there some underground Saint-Peter Casino we should know about?
One thing we know for sure, God has never seen a dime of that money. So, is it inappropriate to think that they keep the money for themselves?
Or maybe the money just keeps getting lost in the middle of transaction? Maybe they just keep spelling the wrong name every time they go to the Western Union.
It’s just three letters G.O.D, you’d think they’ll get it right someday.
Talking about money problems, remember that recession in hell we were talking about?
Well apparently it’s gotten worse, even Lucifer had to step down (yeah, the guy with the fork) apparently he moved to L.A to solves crimes.
But it wasn’t always bad in hell, they had good seasons too, they even packed the house a couple of times.
Remember the flood? Good times!
If it wasn’t for Russell Crowe and his boat, we’d all be extinct by now.
You laugh now, but the guy as resourceful as they come, I mean that dude managed to get two polar bears from Alaska, two kangaroos from Australia, two exotic Pandas from the communist republic of China and a couple of very questionable coyotes from Albuquerque.
And he managed to get all of that shipped to a modest four-by-four tent in the middle-east.
That on addition a copious amount of Viagra I’m assuming, I mean, can you imagine if any of those animals went down with erectile dysfunction? The entire species would’ve gone out the window!
Impotence is the enemy my friends, especially when the existence of the entire depends on your performance. Talk about stage fright.
Luckily for us Noah saved the day, and thousands of species were spared from extinction.
Except from dinosaurs, they were too big for the boat.
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is a certain death.” - George Carlin.
I hope that I didn’t offend any Christians and if so, please accept my apologies –aside from those in Vatican, I’m kind of cool with that.