And I really need a new home secretary now Mrs fucking stupidtits Amber Rudd has resigned...could that be you?
Dearest 
Who else could outsource copy from local guidebooks and wikipedia, and make it sound as if it was they who had learned all this by talking to the locals? What phenomenal blogs you have someone write, and I find it amazing that nobody ever asks who the bloke is with the enormous ten grand professional camera who always takes shots of you looking like you've just come out of a Loreal advert?
And you are SOOOO hardworking. I mean, every single day since you joined 20 months ago, you have posted 26 times, including comments, almost 800 times per month. That's a whole amount of work to do, totally aside from researching the places you visit, booking flights, arranging accommodation, packing your bags, washing your clothes, making itineraries of where you are going to visit, doing the tours, going through all your photos, editing them, making a video, writing a bilingual 3000 word post, answering all the comments from your adoring fans..... Wow. And you do all that looking like you've just come off the film set of Hugo, with your unfeasibly stunning hair, make-up and ever-expanding range of designer clothes....How big must your travel case be?
Oh sweet, You're like every girls dream... I so used to want to be like you when I was young..... But of course, I figured out that long lasting power is in being able to order thermonuclear shit-death on the heads of peasant farmers in any number of countries that you probably haven't even heard of. Ok, I kind of went in a different direction to you....... but there's still time if you ever decide to have a career in politics...there's a vacancy for a new Home Secretary you know! You should definitely come to England! (not Scotland of course....it fucking stinks up there, and you can't understand a word they're saying)
I am so looking forward to meeting you in person, and have today ordered Immigration to inform me the moment you land on British soil as I wish to personally make sure you have a wonderful stay in the delightful Yarls Wood Centre, where you will have the opportunity to meet many people from diverse cultures from all over the world.
On landing at the airport, you will be greeted with Silver Bracelets and have the chance to enjoy the delights of experiencing the delights of your rear cabin on the European Steamboat, and will be able to enjoy our country's world-famous government approved five star cuisine in some of Britain's centres of cultural excellence, which all have such pastiche English names such as Wormwood Scrubs, Strangeways and Askham Richard.
I do hope, though, that you will actually get to eat some of the food this time, as it must be such a bugger having to just sit there and look at it whilst your personal paparazzi take three hundred shots of you looking hungrily at it, then lobbing it in a bin, and giving you a drink of water and a slice of cucumber, so you don't ruin your profit potential with such things as calories.
Finally, I shall have you escorted to the Haut de la Garenne young people's activity centre on the Island of Jersey, where you will have a special room provided, and the opportunity to meet hundreds of VIP's including Pop Stars, a number of dignitaries from this country's government and judiciary, and perhaps a member of the Royal Family or two!!!
You entourage will also be very well taken care of, including the photographer, your agent, manager, hair stylist, make-up artist, beautician, image consultant, media advisor, graphic designer, PA, bodyguard, personal trainer, dietician, plastic surgeon, ghostwriter, copy editor and the small team of runners who get you things. We will make them all very comfortable at the Tower of London hotel, which I have recently had renovated for special guests such as yourself.
Dearest
With best regards
Theresa May
British Prime Minister