What's up future Sharan, you're still confused as hell.
There was something you read today that gave you a slight relief – if you are X, see that you are X; instead of moving to its desired opposite Y.
I paraphrased it, hopefully you still get what this means...20 years in the future?
But you only felt that relief while reading that book. Then, an hour or so later, it seemed to not work when you got angry.
All this seemed so ambiguous to you; you wondered if you'd ever do it right, this awareness thing.
The thought of "I'll become the best streamer on Twitch" gave you some power today, but that was shot down by another "Ambition is a self-centered activity that enhances the me, which means I shouldn't be ambitious, so this is wrong." Of course, you broke the line that gave you relief up there. No wonder you had no relief. (why am I being rude to you?)
"So what the hell am I supposed to do?
This ambition feels nice: I have a direction to move toward and a feeling of surety. Otherwise I just waste away my days wondering what in the world to do. Screw all these spiritual teachers and their teachings, because of them I'm paralyzed now."
You just wanted to say screw it and go ahead with the Twitch plan. Otherwise what were you to do? How long to waste away days like this?
Upon second reading, maybe it was not ambition? You did have a desire of enjoying gaming with thousands of others, so it was probably not ambition?
You realized you gave up too quickly: instead of waiting after saying "I dunno what to do", you directly concluded that you were clueless. You weren't clueless, you were searching. There's a big difference; one is defeated, another is still striving. One has lost hope, the other doesn't care about it.
Or maybe you were overthinking all this and Twitch turned out to be the "right" decision?
