I have experienced break-ups on relationships multiple times, but never had I experienced breaking my heart over someone else. To begin with, my heart has been shattered years before those bastards tried to break my heart.

Today, I am sharing you my letter to my most beloved sister. I wanted you to know how it feels like to wake up every day and battling your inner being not to give up and fall unto the depths of despair. I wanted to share my sister’s journey also in battling cancer. I wanted to include photos of her but unfortunately, she had deleted it months before we found out that she had cancer.

Lastly, I wanted you all to enjoy the small things in life. By this blog entry, I wanted you to learn how to appreciate everything you have.

Dearest Jhad Lith,

You had been one of the greatest gifts that I ever had in my life and I will treasure you in my heart. This space in my heart is a space only for you and no one could ever replace it even if it has been years already.

Having a sister like you is something that I will forever treasure. I had someone who I held on to whenever I felt so down. I had someone who cracked jokes on me when I wanted to laugh hard. I had someone who gave me some paper bills when I needed money for school activities and projects. I had someone who fought for me when there were bullies at school who tried to hurt me. I had someone who helped me when I needed explanation on matters that I do not understand. I had someone who cheered on me with a band when I joined different competitions I had been to. I had someone who would scare those guys who tried to court me when I was still in high school. I had someone so great like you in my life.

You were not just a sister, but you were also a great daughter. You made our parents proud when you got a gold medal every after school year. You made our parents proud when you graduated as Valedictorian in your batch. You made our parents proud when you were awarded with full scholarship in Ateneo. I was also proud of how brilliant you were.

You were not just a daughter, but you were also a great friend. I have seen you defended your friends when conflicts arose. You even made our house a safe haven for your friends, that even our fridge ended up empty because they really have monsters in their bellies just like you.

You were not just a friend, but you were also a leader. I have seen you handle people efficiently. I have seen how you managed to settle disputes in an organization. I have seen how merry you were while working with difficult people around you.

You were someone I had high regards. I had seen potential in you. I had seen how great you should have become. I had seen you fought hard with your final battle. And I had seen how you finally cancer until the very end.

Before you graduated high school, you deleted your photos on your Friendster and MySpace account. You deleted all your photos from school trips. You asked letters to your friends and kept it in a box. I saw you writing letters for them and kept in another box. You kept the smallest things (even those candy wrappers) from them to yourself as if your end is near. You even set me up on a blind date with your crush during Intramurals. I was very mad at you for doing something so awkward. I thought of it as a bad premonition because it was as if you were saying good bye to us. Indeed it was a bad premonition.

On your first semester as a freshman student in college, you were doing well with your studies despite the fact that you were not giving your best shot. Or we just thought you were. I was in our ancestral home in Carmen when dad said you suddenly collapsed at home. You were sent to the hospital to have a check-up. Weeks after, our parents decided to have you another check-up because there were “pimples” found on your vagina.

Those were not really pimples, but in fact those were tumors. During operation, those were pingpong-sized tumors.

Like a typical school girl, I headed home straight from school. You know me too well Ate. We were watching a movie together because it was a way of how we bond. Dad said he has news for us — a very bad news. He said after dinner, “the tumors found on your sister’s vagina are malignant”. My mind went black as soon as I heard it you know. What did he mean when he said malignant? Was that good news or bad news? Are you going to die soon? We still have lots of ambitions right?

He then explained it to us that my you were positive of cancer. The prognosis was alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma to be exact. I went to the washroom trying to process everything I heard.

“My sister has cancer”. I kept repeating those words in my mind and I was in a state of denial. I wanted to break down and cry, but I cannot because we share the same room.

And these were the words you had been telling me when we all found out about condition. You told me to stop eating meat if I do not want to end like you. You told me to eat on time always. You told me to take good care of myself. Among us, I was the one who has no healthy diet, but why does it have to be you? I wanted it to be me. I do not want to see you suffer physically and emotionally.

Ate Jhad, you know what, I was very scared of losing you. I felt bad hearing the news. It reminded me of our scarred childhood when grandpa died, followed by Auntie Mimi, and then Auntie Mommy. I kept prayed hard to God and hoped that it was just a misdiagnosis, but it was not. They all died of cancer as well.

Mom and dad then planned whether or not you will undergo chemotherapy and other medical treatments. It would surely drain our pockets. I was so scared for you at that time, but I saw how positive you were. My mind set changed when I saw how cheerful you were.

From being roommates, I was transferred to another room because the doctor recommended reverse isolation.
I wanted to cry when I saw your new hair cut. You said you needed it because you are going to have your chemotherapy. On a Sunday service, before the therapy started, your hair was starting to fall. I see how worried I was so you consoled me. Everything will be alright, Gail. You were even excited when you told me that you will undergo such medical treatment. I wanted to be on your side so I skipped classes. I even got lost multiple times.

They said when you are undergoing chemotherapy that would be very painful, but the moment it seems like not. You were totally numb, or maybe you were just hiding it from us so that we would not be disturbed.

We found out that the chemotherapy was not working. I felt so bad for you at the same time I was mad at the doctor because it was her first time to do chemotherapy. We suspected malpractice so we found another doctor for you.
Our parents also decided that you will undergo radiation treatment. I was by your side as well when you were having your radiation treatment.

It was so hard to tell whether there was progress or not mainly because it was the first case in our city to have such type of cancer. According to your doctor, it was rare.

After a series of radiation treatment, a typhoon struck the city that caused the equipments of the hospital destroyed – including the radiation apparatus.

My heart was torn into pieces when I saw you trying to change your clothes. I saw what cancer did to your vagina. I know you were in deep pain then but you acted as if you were really okay.

The city was also experiencing rotating blackout. I remember one time we were all inside our parents’ room. We were just sharing about some of our experiences at work and at school. We all made fun of your baldness, but to me you really cute. Of course you started it! I was calling you J.Lo then, which means Jhad Lith Opaw (Opaw means bald). Jose then added, Oh! It’s Jhad Lith and Oliver. Oliver was her first love. You then giggled. I really wished that moments like those would last a lifetime, but some things in life do not last long.

We hoped to have a solemn New Year Celebration because you had always been the life of the crowd. With you being sick, we do not want to harm you during parlor games, but you were the one who really dove when coins were thrown on the floor! You were so enthusiastic. You may have looked sick but your energy level is just so high. You even stayed past midnight talking to everyone.

Lord, I wanted to spend more time with her please, but the doctors said her cancer is already on stage four. Lord, I want her to be on my graduation day. Lord, I want to see her graduate in college. Lord, I want our kids in the future to play with each other.Lord, I want her to live long. I do not care what it takes for me, I just want her to be around me. I kept saying those things to God. I kept begging to God that this is just a nightmare and that soon I would wake up from this bad dream.

I never wanted to lose a best friend.

Two days before our JS Prom, you and mom needed to travel to Cebu City so that you could undergo on a special treatment in Succor. I felt so bad. I was so scared that I may not be able to see you again.

You told me to get the gown that I rented and you wanted to see me wear it. I did what you requested. You were so happy seeing me wear that white gown. You were even imagining that I was wearing my wedding gown. You were so proud of me while taking photos of me. I wanted to tell you to please stay with me, but I could not be that selfish.

We were exchanging text messages. You told me that some nurses serenaded you because you were not able to meet Piolo Pascual. The house felt so lonely when you were away.

Few weeks later, mom called and told me that you are both heading home already and I just needed to visit you at the hospital. I skipped my classes again! Finally, after days of being away from you I’m going to see you again.

I hurriedly run towards you, but it felt like someone was gripping my heart when I saw a tube inserted on your left lung. You were telling something to me but I could not focus. I just kept saying yes while I head towards the window. I do not want you to see me cry. I could not bear it so I went outside bursting in tears.

Your cancer has then already metastasized to your lungs.

Ate, does it hurt that much? You know, I kept pulling your hair before when we argue but I never wanted to see you in such pain. Ate, what were you feeling then when you were in Cebu? Did you miss us too?

Few days after, the doctor said that you needed another tube for your right lung. I was alive at the moment but it seems like my world has turned up-side down.

I was finally graduating from high school but most of the time; I spend it with you at the hospital. My classmates and teachers understood our situation so they were not mad at me for skipping classes.

Despite of your condition, you still have your mischievousness. My crush Elijah visited you with your other friends in the hospital and you had the knack to tell him that I like him. My face really turned into red, I just thank God we were all wearing mask so it was not that obvious.

On March 6, I stayed with you in the hospital. I was busy playing computer games when your friends visited you. I was trying to distract myself after you told me that you could not see anymore. I do not know if it was real or not, but I sensed that something is going to happen. I wanted to stay by your side but they told me to go home. I was so mad. I regretted for not being with you.

We had a chance to talk privately. You told me, “Gail, stop being rude na ha. I want you to be very nice. I also want you to talk good care of yourself because I do not think I could do it anymore”.

It was exactly March 7, two months before your birthday when you passed away. I woke up when a soft wind seemed to kiss my left cheek. I checked my phone and I received a text message from dad saying you are already in the hands of God.

There were a lot of people already in your room when Jose and I arrived. You had been two hours dead but your body is still so warm and you were also still so soft. I wanted to cry out loud but my eyes could not. I said, Ate Jhad, wake up na. I hope the smell of the dried fish would wake you up.

My mom said you passed away around 6 in the morning. You were both talking and praying to God when you said you wanted to rest, that is when you passed away.

Few days after, the sting of death was evident. We were not used of setting the table for four people. The house seemed to be so quiet that it was hurting my ears.

Eight years had passed and I still remember every little thing about us. It is not that easy to move on.

I still regret those days when we always fight and end up pulling each other’s hair. I still regret and I am sorry for calling you fat and pig. I still regret for not giving you a piece of chicken and spaghetti that I bought from Jollibee. Your doctor told us you are not allowed to. I still regret for not talking to you because I was busy in school. I still regret for tearing your favorite shirt when we were little. I still regret for asking a lot of money from you. I still regret for not being with you in times you have suffered. I still regret for being useless to you.

I miss those times when we share the same bed and you tell me stories about the people around us. I miss those times when you always cheered for my name. I miss you so bad.

It has been years, but it seemed like I have not totally moved on from you. I am still having depressions whenever I think about what we had been through. There are times that I cry at night thinking what could have it been if you were still alive. I am still thinking, what could have been if it never really happened at all.

It is so hard to move on to a person who changed your life and who had been your life. There are a lot of times when I just break down and cry before of problems. I know this will take a long time to endure the pain. I am willing to carry this burden for a lifetime as long as I could also those happy moments with you.

I know you do not want me to suffer, but you know that it is okay to be not okay sometimes.