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Booting up the console - or computer - and playing one of the contemporary games of today, I am left with a feeling of longing: an unsatiated appetite, like only having half a slice of cake instead of a whole slice, or not getting to spunk over the Mrs' tits and face to appropriately end a wild fuckathon. Do today's video games leave you wanting more as well? They do for me, because video games are life, video games are bae, but then I'm a nerd who values video games more than human interactions - seriously fuck small talk: nobody cares about your opinions regarding the weather or how your weekend was. You're so boring for bringing up those topics, you make me want to stuff pig shit into my ears so that I never have to hear about how your rhododendrons are "coming along nicely". But I digress.
Sorry to sound like an old fart, but games just aren't what they were used to be. Do you agree? I hope so, because agreement with my opinion makes you automatically sexy (no homo) and gifts an automatic 50 points to Hufflepuff #FuckGryffindor.
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Back merely seven years or so ago - like with the state of political correctness - the landscape was vastly different. You unlocked features in games through skill and completion rather than paid "DLC" and micro-transactions. (I'm looking at you Rome 2/Attila total war.) You had to actually think and weren't hand-held throughout those entire games (Ah Morrowind, my first real love). But now it's devolved into money-grubbing and dumbing-down to please the filthy casuals who play our beloved franchises for all of ten-minutes before putting them down because they suck at it. The solution to which, from a corporate standpoint, is to betray the core audience by making games even MORE expensive and easier, rather than providing value for money and expecting players to attempt to get better.
So many iterations of established titles are now being catered towards casuals who have the attention-span of soiled knickers. But just because they spend the fat-stacks on these neutered video-games, Mr Boardroom thinks that Fallout 4 is the best Fallout ever because "look at the monetary statistics, biznatch!"
Yep, Preston Garvey telling me that "another settlement needs our help" like a broken-whiney-cunt-of-a-record is the crescendo of Fallout: the climatic epitome of modern video games; the culmination of decades of RPG Bethesda experience. Fuck the nuanced story-telling and mechanics of Fallout New Vegas because that pile of stinky takes the proverbial biscuit for a difficulty level of over 9000. No, the lessons learned from the success of that game were that we need to take away player autonomy and hold their hand like a drooling, special-needs moron lest they make the wrong decision yet again and get sliced up into a carpaccio de casual by an irate death claw mother on the rag - for the zillionth time (what part of that's a high-level area is hard to comprehend?). Well maybe not that example. But THE END IS NEAR DAMMIT! They already cut out the Cazadores! Death Claws are the next on the endangered list if something is not done to prevent Global Warming.
Why do Bethesda and other studios insist on "stream-lining"? Steam-lining was supposed to mean polish, with a little pragmatic ergonomic thought involved when it came to improvements for filing-down the rough edges. Not castrating the game of its cajones, 'til it becomes a vapid, empty shell.
Little MattyBooLamb envisioned future games as being Morrowind - but with better graphics, or Halo 2 - but with better graphics or Fable 1 - but with better graphics, or Leisure suit Larry Magna Cum Laude - but with more titties and more cum laude. Definitely NOT the visually-beautiful games of today which may speciously be better than their predecessors because the virtual pickled gherkin skins have never looked as immersive, but with the games overall having as much soul as a ginger step-child. Immersive virtual vegetables are not enough, damn your eyes! Not enoughs I tells you! Maybe if you threw in some hair works wool for virtual livestock, then MAYBE we'd get close.
So is it just me? Am I the only one who actually gives two figs for the glory-days of video games? Or is everyone cool with paying more for ostensibly less? Do you lie awake at night ruminating about the logistics of a Cheetos anal fetish? Whoops, wrong blog. Do you lie awake at night wishing that games were deep, thought-provoking, mentally-stimulating works of fairly-priced interactive art, rather than beautiful turds? I know I do - that and my plans for world domination through the use of nuclear sheep.
Honestly the only modern game which is deep, fairly priced with actual DLC rather than cut content DLC; is hard to master, has an amazing story, looks great and has a pleasantly-surprising amount of superfluous titty-ness is the Witcher 3. Witcher is hope for a brighter future, Witcher is bae.
What are your thoughts? Are you in agreement? Have I offended you with politically-incorrect languaged unfunnies? Did you mistakenly stumble across this thinking that is was a recipe for Sourdough bread? Do you think that weaponised sheep are a feasible option for an authoritarian world regime?
I want to know your thoughts.
Stay sexy, and may I say that your hair looks lovely today (full homo).
Love from your Lamb