So, you want to be a game reviewer. You want to know where to start when you want to review a game, to write a really good article that will be published on big sites and that everyone will read. Well, you've come to the right place. I've been doing this for over a decade, so I've picked up plenty of tips and tricks that I am going to share with you today.
Now, when I started out, I thought I knew how to properly review a game. That all I had to do was give the game as much time as possible, so that I can understand it fully and be able to explain it to people, to highlight what it is capable of, what can be truly enjoyed in it, what flaws it has, if those flaws prevent that enjoyment. I thought it was about giving an honest analysis of the game, with as little subjectivity as possible, acknowledging my own biases and preferences and putting the game in a context that will not be negatively affected by those, just because I don’t like a certain genre. I thought it was about hard work, just like making a game is someone’s passion project, someone’s months and years of work, my review of it should have just as much effort put in to it, within the time I have at my disposal.
Oh boy was I wrong. Going into professional game reviewing with that mindset will set you up for burnout in two or three years. You’ll also have absolutely no success. No one’s going to publish your reviews, no one’s going to read them because they’re too long. They’re not going to get onto Metacritic or anything. So here’s how you fix that. Just follow these easy steps and you will be the next big thing on the web.
Step 1: Picking the game
You’d think that this wouldn’t be an issue. As long as you have the time to properly get a feel of the game, anything goes. But that’s not the case. Picking the right game is key to the success of the review. You’ve got to make sure that the game has a fanbase, but not a big one. It needs to have a community that will be interested in your review. Now, if you’re wondering why you’re writing a review for people that already know the game, instead of for those wanting to learn about it, well, keep reading, this is important. It’s vital that the game doesn’t have a big-named studio behind it. It should be one with not a lot of clout or importance, or even without a PR department. If the developers spend more time working on the game than schmoozing with people at E3, or even can’t afford to go to E3, then you’re set. I don’t recommend you start with a game made by a studio tied to a big publisher, with a marketing department, PR, lawyers or a big enough community to actually make your editor look over your work. But, with time, after you become a sensation, you can go toe to toe with anyone you want. Just remember, when you start out be careful what you pick: little know game, studio with no fame, and a small but vocal community. The vocal part is important, they’ll be your trumpet.
Step 2: Preparing for the review
Here would be the step where you’d start playing the game. And depending on how long it is, it may take 40 to 60 hours over the course of several weeks, during which you’re probably writing dozens of other articles and news pieces on a day to day basis, like a games journalist should. Don’t do that. Don’t ever do that. Always remember that your time is more important than the game itself and the work itself. So, give it enough time for you to realize what kind of game it is, or you have at least a partial grasp on the core idea of it. Like, how the first level looks like, what the story’s about, if it has one. Don’t bother with details. If you can play it while doing something else, like watching a movie, talking on the phone, cooking, moving furniture, anything to make the time you spent playing it not feel like it was wasted, you’re on the right track. So after about an hour of playing, turn off the game and get to writing.
Step 3: Writing the review
Now that you’ve finished playing the game, it’s time to start writing. Not right away. You can wait a day or two, until you forget some of the details. You’re not an encyclopedia, after all. Just take all the things you forgot about and spin them as defects. It doesn’t matter what they are, if you didn’t understand them, they’re flaws, badly implemented or badly explained, even if it’s the control of racing game that only has 6 buttons. Your opinion is important, not the game. By extension, that means that you are important, so feel free to babble about yourself, your cat, some experience of yours that has nothing to do with the game, but makes the review feel more personal. It’s OK to make up stuff too, no one’s going to check if you really did save a puppy from a burning building.
If you were playing something else during this time, don’t hesitate to make constant comparisons to it, no matter if they’re not even remotely similar. To score points with the elitists in the audience, have that game be an older, well reviewed title, so you’ll seem like you’ve got good taste and a vast experience in gaming. Even if you’re comparing a racing game’s story with Planescape Torment. It doesn’t matter, just have that comparison in there.
If you don’t remember something about the game you’re actually supposed to be reviewing, that’s OK. Just be vague, using expressions that can be interpreted in many different ways by the reader. But so that no one suspects you’ve got no clue what you’re talking about, insert a very fine detail, about something like game balance, character motivation, or just about anything that comes to mind. It doesn’t matter if it’s true. What matters is that it’s not obvious. If the detail is formulated in a way that it can be interpreted in different ways, or relies on subjectivity, then you’re set.
It’s important that your review always have a negative tone, written in such a way that every word makes it seem like the game wasn’t worthy of the privileged of your review. The score itself should, naturally, be very low. Back up your decision by saying that you shouldn’t take it easy on a game just because the developer is small, you’re judging everyone by the same standard. If you’ve been doing this for some time, and you’re giving a bad review to a bigger budget game, you can explain it away by saying that just because the game has a big budget it doesn’t mean that the minimum score it should get is a 7. This is a good way to demonstrate that you have integrity, that unlike others, you don’t inflate the score. And if anyone at the studio ever said or did anything unpopular, make sure to mention it and use it as extra motivation. After all, they deserved it.
Step 4: Proofreading and publishing
After you’re sure there’s nothing left to add, go over the article again to see if you’ve made any spelling errors. Now, you’re not actually obligated to fix that. There’s usually someone at a publication or a site who handles proofreading, and even if there isn’t, a spelling mistake can be to your advantage. If someone points one out in the comments, you can call them a grammar nazi, and from there the argument will attract more people either pointing out mistakes, or people calling those people grammar nazis. You should also add some pictures to your article. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t bother tot ake a single screenshot, you can use the stock ones that come with press releases, or use ones made by other people from the web. In case anyone doubts that you even got halfway through the game, because you only have images from the first level, remind them that just because you don’t have a lot of pictures it doesn’t mean you didn’t finish the game on every difficulty level, twice. Your article should now have enough credibility. If you need more, you can insert a famous quote somewhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s got anything to do with the game.
Step 5: The reaction
This is the most important step. This is when the community that this review targets may stumble upon the review and react to it, usually by doubting your competence, or the effort you put into actually making the review. Never admit to not having played the game enough, or if you do, underline that it’s because the game was so bad that you couldn’t go on. Or, maybe it’s because you encountered a really rare bug. If you complained about the game’s difficulty, and someone points out that there are many settings, call them an elitist and ignore what they said. If too many people in the comments are against you, get a friend or convince one of your supporters (though you may not have any if this is your first rodeo) to back you up. Or, and this is just as effective, you can post in the comments under a new identity and defend yourself. Then you’re free to get into heated arguments with your critics without having your own name be associated with petty arguments. You’ll tower above it all in the public eye, while still being able to enjoy actually flaming others. If you go this route, and you should, make sure that you get really involved. At least a third of the comments on an article should be yours, as responses to everyone else. The people that post short slurs, poorly written messages, one word profanities, those are your best friends. You can respond to those with an elevated tone, like you’re superior to them, and make sure to turn them into representatives of the majority. It doesn’t matter if it was just one dude, reply with something like “I had expected more from the xxxxxx game community, sadly, I am disheartened by such behavior, such viciousness simply because this reviewer dared to share their opinion of the game”. Again, you’re not posting as yourself.
If anyone says they disagree with the article, or that it contains errors without bringing up arguments, call them a fanboi, or a hater, or say that they were paid by the developer to say that. If they do bring up correct arguments, just say that everyone has the right to their own opinion.
While you’re doing this, try your best to bolster the integrity of the author by highlighting that the reviewer hasn’t bowed down to the pressure around and has maintained the original opinion.
In the unlikely event that other professional critics get into the comments (the one that still don’t know how the racket works), calling your work a lazy piece of trash that demeans the profession, don’t attack them. Instead, suggest that they’re a lot kinder, or gentler, that they’re OK with going easy on some games.
In extreme cases, when the developer or the publisher shows up in the comments, accuse them of orchestrating a coordinated attack on the reviewer. This has guaranteed success on smaller studios. But if it doesn’t, you may need to answer as yourself and state that you had a beta build, an incomplete build, that would explain away the inconsistencies. Be vague when it comes to how exactly you got this build, not meant for public use.
With time, some may accuse the account you’re using to post comments as being a sock puppet. If this happens, go into complete denial, you can spin it as a conspiracy being formed against you, you can even set up a second fake account to bolster your credibility. If someone points out that you’re obsessed, because of the number of comments you post, call them a “no lifer” for noticing. Continue the process, but don’t go over board, as to not reveal yourself. If that happens, you’ll have to start all over again, with a different name.
Step 6: Profit
Because of all the attention the article has gotten, especially thanks to the comments, your review will become very popular. Arguments about it will rage for weeks. If this hasn’t happened, you can promote your article either positively or negatively. It doesn’t matter which, what’s important is that people know about it. If people argue about it somewhere other than your comment section, without you instigating it, then you’ve got it made. Also, if some idiot uses your article as an example in an article about how to not write a review, or even better, a Youtuber, you are set!
Now you can just look at the traffic you’re generating and use that as a basis to build a fruitful career in this field. Repeat the process as many times as you need in order to get your name out there, along the way making your own group of fans.
It won’t take long for you to get contacted by other, more important publications, to have your reviews on there. Places that will get your reviews on Metacritic and make your scores influence the fate of a game studio. You’ll be king of the world. From here on, it doesn’t matter how lazy, how wrong, how filled with hate you are and how much you suck, because everything you write will be always a part of a monstrosity used as a barometer to judge the quality of a game. And anyone who disagrees with you, who’s score isn’t on Metacritic, is inferior to you, and therefore isn’t worth taking note of.
Congratulations, you are now a great internet reviewer. Enjoy the fame and the benefits it brings. You’ll be invited to press events, to E3, where you’ll get the chance to howl like a deranged gorilla at the most meaningless announcement. You’ll get so much swag you won’t know what to do with it. You’ll even have the chance to review games that have a giant monstrous marketing machine behind them. These games are usually the main money maker for the publication you work at, so you’ll have to switch gears here. What you have to do is give it a score of 100%, 10/10 or 5 stars, or as close to it as possible, while copy-pasting what’s written in the press release or the reviewer guide you got along with the game and the swag. Make sure to use the word compelling and cinematic. Call it Game of the Year, even if you go through 20 of these games in a year, call them all Game of the Year. And if there’s some unfounded stereotype that the studio excels at something, make sure to sing praises and make the smallest half-competent thing you find in the game seem like the second coming. Again, it doesn’t matter if it’s true, you don’t even have to play the game.
At this point, you’re already famous, so why bother even writing? Hire a ghost writer and publish their work in your name. But you have to make sure they follow your style, so that they don’t compromise your hard work by actually trying to do a good job. You can now use your free time to extend into movie reviews. These are even easier. Just watch it for 15 minutes, then walk out because it was a terrible movie that only deserves 0 stars. The sky is the limit!
(This article is meant to be a joke. Don't actually write reviews like this. Gamespot has been doing it enough already. Most of what you've read is based on reviews I've read and behavior I've seen, the rest, well, the rest was just funny to write.)
Image credit: gnorcteen.deviantart.com