One thread that links nearly every Feminist I know is anxiety. If you’ve posted something that may ruffle men’s feathers online, just checking your email or social media can be harrowing. You say to yourself it’s not a big deal, and roll your eyes at the latest essay in your comments section. But some days every chime of your smartphone can feel like doom.
Ding ding! You steel yourself for comments like, “I hope you get raped” and “Just another SJW bitch cunt.”
Being a woman on the internet is… weird. Some days it’s fine. Others are not. Other days your inbox gets flooded with boys from 4Chan trying to scare you into shutting down your Youtube channel. It’s an exhausting, frustrating, sometimes scary thing to simply have a web presence, combined with the futile rage about how it really shouldn’t be. This anxiety and frustration is understandable, but I’ve found that it’s easy to lose perspective.
Outside my immediate circle of internet colleagues, few people have ever heard the names Anita Sarkeesian, Zoe Quinn, or have any idea what “Gamergate” was. As I twisted myself up inside about assholes online and their ignorance the world continued the turn outside my window.
As a lifelong gamer I haven’t spent much time outside. This is news to no one who knows me. I hate the Sun, humidity, bugs, and the bizarre ritual known as “camping”. I hate it all. A perfect day for me is rainy. Snuggling up on the couch with a cup of tea and video game? That’s my jam, that’s how I relax. Or at least it was.
I’ve needed more and more time to relax as I dug deeper into my own internet subculture. Once Sarkeesian finally gave us the language to talk about gaming lagging behind the rest of culture, we lifted a rock that had not seen the light of day in decades. And what we found was not pretty.
Because getting fanboys screaming at you is irritating, sometimes amusing. But when the threats start to come… that’s when it changes the way you see the world. If someone can make you afraid, they take control of you in a way. And it’s when someone is backed into a corner that they make a decision: fight or flight? Stay and argue with chumps into infinity, or shut down your social media and leave the debate? And above all, how do you cope with the toxicity of it all?
It may surprise you that I found my answer in my own backyard. After a few particularly rotten days in Social Media Land (I dared to challenge a video game critic) I looked out into my backyard: weeds. Everywhere. I know next to nothing about gardening and even I could tell my yard was a dumpster fire. So I went of there and started weeding and I haven’t stopped.
If you’ve never weeded while pissed off I highly recommend it. When men yell at me online I’m acutely aware that a lifetime worth of patriarchal upbringing and toxic masculinity brought him to that place. He is what he is and anything I say to him will only scratch the surface. But a weed? I can pull that sucker up by the root. Additionally I’m actually making a positive difference, I’m getting more vitamin D than ever and my yard looks… less like a dumpster fire.
But the real benefit I’ve experienced was my stress and anxiety evaporated. The randos continued to whine but I suddenly gave less of a shit. Being more present in my real life immediately shrank the influence they had over me. They finally feel as insignificant as they actually are.
So I find myself a self proclaimed “sun hating” gamer whose obsessed with gardening. I think my friends are worried. But really it’s a lot like a game. Every plant has different abilities, and stats, that only grow at certain times of year. It’s like LARPing Harvest Moon and yes, I realize how lame that sounds. I don’t care, I feel calmer and more grounded than I have in years. If it’s at all possible, start a garden, and yank those randos right our of your mentions.