Trying something different, I guess I'll just keep throwing things at the wall and see what sticks, heh. So here we go; I'm going to put the journal entries first and then explain a little more about the context and my current reflection afterwards.
Caption: journal entry from January 2013- during end of PHP Bridge program for eating disorder- (brief context: the final way to 'earn' graduation from the eating disorder clinic was getting to a weight where you started your period)
Journal entry 2:
~~ I've never felt so unworthy of love in all my life. It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I keep calling out for help, but it falls on deaf ears-- even worse, it's as if all my cries are heard and used as ammo against me. It feels like the ones I love the most are all conspiring to make me miserable; and they're succeeding. I tell them how I feel, but they don't seem to listen. The last two 1/2 weeks I've gained 9 pounds. That's a lot in a short amount of time. I look down and my legs touch now-- thick tree stumps. My stomach protrudes like a gluttonous, grotesque beer belly while my chest remains flat.
I can no longer fit my hand around my arm, the flab sticks out. I'm so solid. So thick. To my family and doctors, my tremendous and rapid weight gain up to 98 pounds is a victory. For me, it's a nightmare. I feel utterly unattractive, unappealing, undesirable, lethargic and gluttonous. I feel like a vile pig and I know I don't deserve to have a boyfriend. I know he likes me very thin and approves of me retaining my thinness by whatever means it takes--even if that means anorexia. He encourages me not to eat and pokes at my soft areas, which is extremely shameful and for the first time in my life, at 81 pounds, I was finally content and proud I had no soft areas to poke at. Now I do again, and he can't lift me anymore.
I know other boys feel the same way. They look and think I'm a pig and my family doesn't care how miserable I feel this way.
They've threatened to take me to a psychiatric ward for not eating--so, basically leaving me to the mercy of deranged psychosis patients if I don't eat, but they don't get it. I CAN'T gain more weight. I would rather die. I am so utterly depressed and miserable. I am huge, FAT, FAT, FAT and worthless and unappealing.
"You pudgy overweight pig, you worked for months to shed weight, no look at you, you MONSTER, you PIG, you gained it ALL back so fast. You can't get enough cookies and chocolate, can you? tastes so good, don't they? yes, I know they do, because EVERYONE sees how you do. They see your big, tree stump legs, on your bulging, gelatinous pouch, and your chicken wing arms. Oink, oink you beefcake. Hope it all tasted good going down because those 9 pounds have really helped round out your full figure, porkchop!"
Tell me, why the hell does it matter if I bleed from my vagina every month if I feel like a big pile of fatty SHIT.
That's really what it's all about, huh? a period? that is SUCH BULLSHIT. Because, truly, that matters more than my mental health; having cramps, bloating, PMS, and occasionally bleeding through my pants. Yes, Bravo, good trade off! Feeling like such a big, fat, gluttonous ball of shit so my parents can take turns controlling me like a barbie doll. Or, at least, until I get the uncomfortable sensation of leaking blood down south. Sweet. Just great. And then, once I've gained enough weight to appease my family, I can go to group therapy and be like every other fatty who learns to tell themselves "I've got a great heart, looks don't matter".
Bullshit. 'Looks don't matter'...you know who says that? FAT GIRLS. Yeah, they must say that because they don't have the dedication and self control I have to lose weight. Gaining weight is a sign of losing. Of gluttony. Of no self control. Of giving up on being physically attractive.
I pray to God I never stoop to the level of being chunky and saying to myself "people ought to love me because of my personality". Yeah right. And then start investing money in make up and hair instead of clothes because that's what fat girls do. They have to, because their bodies are worthless shitty flubber. They must by certain clothes that "work with their bodies". I got news for you, at 83 pounds, I don't have to look hard to find clothes that "work with my body". EVERYTHING FIT and looked damn hot. I was as small as the models who wore them, and anyone who wants me to put on weight is just JEALOUS they don't have my discipline to be as small. I mean, how can anyone look at things like starch or dairy or meat or fat and think "I need it, I can't resist!"? That's the mark of a fatty with no self control.
How dare they make me eat that garbage! I'd RATHER DIE BEFORE I STAY THIS FAT OR GET BIGGER! I can't wait until I'm 21 and never have to eat again. I'll look damn hot again and girls will be jealous, boys will love me, I'll be on top of the world. Nothing will stop me. ~~
caption: Me (left) with my sister (right) at a concert 2 days after completing the program. I was 98 pounds at that point, but lost 13 pounds again within 2 weeks afterwards.
caption: me 'having fun' with my body unnaturally back down to 85 pounds and my sister had bought some fun blue and purple wigs to try on.
What can I say to all that now at my current stage in life? 5 years completely free from the 8 year-long eating disorder, although body dysmorphia is just a harsh reality pretty much everyone (including me) still struggles with to varying degrees... I mean, I can say this; while it may be difficult to read or accept, while it may be easy to see 18 year old me as a hostile, heartless person....This IS the reality of what fighting an eating disorder looks like. There IS no censoring in your head the hell you experience. It consumes you to the core...it does strip away your humanity, and the worst part is, it's an insidious disease that convinces you that the more you try to embrace your own humanity by simply feeding your body in a healthy way.... the more it coaxes you into believing that this would in fact make you a real monster.
All I thought about was how to be smaller. So light and small that I could just fly away and be rid of all the mental and emotional anguish I felt my whole life. So light and small that no one could weigh me down with rejection or harsh words. I remember being obsessed with measuring my body; gripping my arm with one hand, my thighs with two... constantly trying on my clothes to make sure I was losing weight or at the least, not gaining. I watched shows that highlighted the vast disparity between obese and anorexic individuals, I binged every documentary I could find on eating disorders, convincing my parents it was 'research' to 'overcome' this problem, when the truth is, I was just burning with disease, looking for ways to add fuel to the fire.... not extinguish it.
I read a lot of personal memoirs of eating disorders and would compare myself to their sickness.... was theirs 'better' than mine? Meaning.... was their smallest point smaller than my own? was I 'slacking' in my eating disorder? what did they do to lose even more weight? what did they do to trick people into leaving them alone so they could go back to chasing after the goal of wasting away?? And then there's social media; now, fortunately for me, even 2013 looked a lot different than today. Most of my 'thin-spiration' sourced from trendy magazines that I spared no expense for in order to beat myself up and hold myself to edited and unrealistic standards of thinness. I looked into Pinterest boards and google images for the thinnest women I could find.... I just didn't care about anything else.
I couldn't. Because if I did let myself care about literally anything else, I wouldn't be able to survive the onslaught of neuroticism waiting for me. The sheer anxiety of death, where I stood with God, where I stood with others, facing rejection and criticism, fears of my future, fears of failure...the searing pain of intrusive thoughts that refused to leave and it seemed God had abandoned me to suffer with, only further growing a sense of impending doom and condemnation from Him....the emotions of complete despair, hopelessness and self-hatred that, if I let them in even a little, would be enough to convince me to take my own life, as I already had started cutting long before the eating disorder ever developed.
I've heard before that eating disorders stem from fearing a lack of control. I'm inclined to agree; at least if it's only a part of it, it definitely was a root cause. So much was beyond my control. What's worse, is that I truly did believe God was in control instead, but....I definitely also believed He DESPISED me. What hope can a person have if they believe and know these things to be true?
Obviously, no hope is to be found there in that place. That's what opened a door for self-destruction under the guise of 'self-improvement' to take hold of my life and almost bring it to ruin. I don't like leaving these on a hopeless note, which is why I'm also going to be trying to add in more context and current reflection on these journal entries afterwards. Know this; there is NO pain that we're allowed to experience unless God truly has something better in mind afterwards. We may not even have the answers on this side of eternity...which is easier said than done in terms of acceptance, but I can honestly say; it's a kind of hope that truly CAN'T be extinguished.
Imagine if every awful thing that has ever happened to you or a loved one still couldn't steal your joy? Still couldn't steal your hope or peace? I mean, not that it's not a tough road to walk, because I can say, there are MANY things I've experience just in my own life that were absolutely terrible...but, that it truly is possible to keep hope no matter what happens in life; it isn't even something you have to 'fake' until you 'make it'... It's actually a real and undeserved free gift offered to everyone because God loves you SO MUCH that you weren't meant to struggle every day to merely survive. He wants to give you life to the fullest.
Sometimes, it seems like waiting is the absolute worst thing in the world when it comes to suffering. What's the point? If God loves me, and He wants to give me freedom and an abundant life....then why would He let me stay in this place of suffering??
That's a question I've battled with all my life. I'll be perfectly transparent. That's still a question I ask Him when I just don't understand why things are the way they are. But I can also say this much; I am free to change my perspective. I know it's not something done by sheer willpower, because, trust me, the more I tell my story, the more it's just simply going to become extremely apparent that I NEVER had the sheer willpower to overcome the mental and emotional struggles I faced...be it ones I always had, or the ones developed from trauma inflicted on me from a 3rd party. The ability to truly accept that every hardship I have or will ever face in my life is in fact to give way to something way better... that He only lets me fall so low so that I can truly have a radical experience of what His love and grace feels like and means.....that right there is the freedom freely given from God.
There's no amount of therapy or self-help books or self-control that could've allowed me such genuine faith and hope. That is the gift God is trying to give right now to YOU. It's not about how hard you try to be 'perfect' or even 'please Him'....He just wants YOU.... thorns and all.
Are you angry? Are you frustrated right now and there's no logical explanation for the kind of pain you or your loved ones are going through? Does God seem cold and distant? Or even present but condemning and angry? Do you just want to scream out "WHY, GOD??"? Or do you just want to cry until you can't catch your breath or form words... it's just a mess of "Why? Why, God? Do you not love me? Why does it feel like no matter what, it's never good enough? If you love me, if you made me for a reason, why won't you show me that love and hope for the future?"
Okay. It's okay. He wants that, too. Just come as you are. He doesn't want to hurt or cast condemnation or wrath on you. You can be 100% real and He can take it. He wants to.... to show you something so, SO much BETTER.