It may be indelicate to say, but yesterday, everything came to a head for me in terms of the grief that I have been struggling with for most of my life. When both of my adopted parents passed, it was sort of the final frosting of my heart on top of so many other calamities and tragedies year after year for most of my life. In many ways, I have experienced more heart break than moments of happiness. In my 40's, I have lost two sets of parents and they left behind more mysteries than nurturing memories.
I have thoroughly immersed myself into Oprah Soul Series, incorporated many forms of spirituality thinking that if I find just the right one, I will be able to release by discovering the formula with the magical answer.
I spent time exercising, trying new activities, new supplements, but realized that I kept holding on to all the complex feelings of grief. I felt a shell of a person and remembered a time when my grandma raised her hands to God and said, "I am ready to go" in the most genuine authentic sweet request to the universe.
Yesterday, I understood this moment in her life and felt deep compassion. One of my friends told me she believes in rapture and is hoping that one day God will choose her to disappear from earth and go directly to heaven. I made the same request last night before going to bed with all 3 kitties in my bedroom.
Part of it, is that I feel deep empathy and it is ingrained in me and sometimes, I feel completely invisible just floating around the world by myself. I needed a SIGN.
When I woke up, something interesting happened. I went for a morning walk, and every single person who saw me, greeting me warmly with a smile and "good morning." I smiled in return. The difference is that normally I am the one who greets everyone first, and I realized that they could truly see me. Early this afternoon, another friend asked me to go on a hike tomorrow morning with her family that we have both been talking about a couple of weeks earlier.
In order to turn suffering and transform it into enlightenment, I realized that I needed to be on my knees and truly examine my own life. What I realized is that all of us are human and that everyone who is enlightened have the shared history of suffering. The important part is recognizing that by God's pure grace, we receive forgiveness and it has great healing power. In order to feel true happiness, it is imperative to extend that grace and forgive others so that our hearts will remain open to receive the abundant love that the universe has in store for all of us.