The red carpet smelled like camping clothes. The stench of wildfires wafted into the air with every inch of unfurling. Seth Myers coughed into his hands. The smell got to him as he almost puked. I was shooting Tom Hanks clips for E! when Seth interrupted and told me to go buy some Febreeze. I was a Golden Globes lackey.
Matt Damon got me this gig years ago. I have to film the celebrities say the same thing over and over and over until they get it right. "One Take" Tom [Hanks] and I hopped in his limo and headed to a drug store to buy Febreeze.
"I felt like a piece of meat..."
The chicks from Lady Bird were at the store buying tiny bottles of liquor and tampons. "One Take" Tom explained to me that the gals were not on their period. Admittedly, I felt a little horny but that subsided fast when I saw their date for the Globes was that jerk, Woody Allen.
Seth Myers was fuming when we got back. He snatched the Febreeze, put his handkerchief over the nozzle and took a hearty whippet hit into his lungs. Seth barked more orders in a deep, funny voice. Hanks and I went inside to find our seats giggling like hens.
Hanks sat with Oprah and Meryl Streep. I was in the cheap seats with Tommy Wiseau and Claire Danes. The three of us drank the place dry. Jake Gyllenhaal won the Globe for portraying Tommy Wiseau in his shitty new movie. Tommy later told me that wasn't Jake Gyllenhaal.
"... that's not Jake Gyllenhaal"
You, the reader, will never go to the Golden Globes so I should tell you this: when you are in the audience you CAN talk rather loud to eachother. The mics on stage won't pick your voice up. During the commercial breaks, Tommy Wiseau and I would scream FARGO WITCH!! FARGO WITCH!! at Frances Mcdormand. She was so pissed off, man, it was so funny.
Frances came over to our table, threw a chicken wing at Tommy but missed and hit Claire in the cleavage. Claire fell out her seat laughing. Fargo Witch won her award but was still enraged. You could see it in her witch eyes as she made her speech. Claire found some cocaine on the ground and we bumped it all.
Fargo Witch
The award ceremony was over. Claire and I got in the limo headed to Seth's after party. Tommy Wiseau left with 6 fine ass celebrity groupies. Seth thanked me for the Febreeze and we walked into the party. Jimmy Fallon was playing some shitty song with Mariah Carey. I left.
Claire Danes gave me the keys to her Jag. I hopped in the fine beast and went to go find Hanks. Tom Hanks was at Oprah's after party. He said he could get me in....
STEEM.. Part 2 is coming right up... please follow and up-vote and I will tell you what happened next very soon. Prob later tonight. Peace
Part 2: *"I felt like a piece of meat..."