Date Line: Zero Sludge
By: Daylor Turden
Breaking Economic News…
Goldman Sachs to Market World Wide Rights to Earth’s Gravitational Field.
Goldman Sachs is currently in closed door negotiations with The U.S. Department of the Exterior for the purpose of leasing the rights to Gravity and its myriad uses in everyday life. It is suggested that the lease rights to gravity will generate hundreds of trillions of dollars of additional revenue for the US, in order to off-set mounting US Debt and at the same time, provide sorely needed income and liquidity for the struggling Too Big to Fail Banks.
A Goldman Sachs spokesman, speaking on conditions of anonymity, stated that making a market in gravity, much like that of monetizing water, will open the door to massive profits for the Banking Industry and their trading partners, while providing revenue for the US Government. The idea is being touted as a huge benefit for the citizens of the United States, as it will help save the too big to fail banks and keep them from triggering the bail-in provisions of the Dodd-Frank legislation.
The Goldman representative went on to say, that the possibilities for generating income for the banks are basically unlimited, because gravity is ubiquitous around the world and literally everybody uses it in some form or fashion.
Just think about it he said, what a gold mine this will be! The Banks will eventually corner the market on something as simple as gravity and everyone on the planet will have to pay for its use, as mandated by law.
This is so, because the Gravity Lease Agreement with the US Government is currently included within the scope of the current TPP and T-TIP Trade agreements and therefore extends to all countries and inhabitance on the planet without exception. It sort of like Obama care, but even better…
In addition, we have acquired rights for the use of gravity in the past, present and future, and can charge royalties and use fees both going forward and back retroactively, back to the beginning of time. Of course, we will have to charge for the use of gravity by the ancestors of persons currently alive, and this can be easily done now, with the use of CIA, FBI, NSA and other government and corporate databases, as well as data gathered by social media and Ancestry.com.
In addition, think of all the other possibilities he said…
Gravity is a balancing force, holding everything down and stabilizing and grounding every object and living thing on earth. We could conceivably generate cash flow from every person, place, thing, time and event on the planet that uses, or is affected by gravity. You know, like your home, your car, your dog, the kids, your toys, the toilet, sky diving, bungee jumping, snowboarding and everything that uses gravity, in one way or another.
Under this plan, income could be extracted from every user of gravity on earth, on a monthly basis, debited from their bank account automatically. Clearly this will be a boon for the US Government as well as the ‘Too Big to Fail Banks”.
In Addition, we expect that this will also spawn numerous social media outlets that will promote social responsibility and education in the art of “conservation of gravity”, plus the development of technologies, Apps, software,
artificially intelligent devices and hardware that will help you manage your use of gravity. Many of these companies and social media outlets could be listed on stock exchanges around the world and the IPO’s for these, could bring in trillions of dollars of income via, well-organized and nationally promoted, pump-and-dump schemes.
You can be sure, that the big banks, hedge funds and main stream media have the experience and the know-how, how to implement such money makers, and bring in massive profits beyond just charging for the use of gravity alone.
Let me tell you, his excitement was palpable…
The possibilities are endless he said, and besides, the economy is improving, isn’t it?
Who’s going to miss a few bucks a month, when they consider all the benefits using gravity provides in daily life…
It’s another Win-Win for everybody…
Wow, I can tell you, I’m sold!
(Humor… Ar, Ar, Ar....)