Once upon a time, after many years alone, I met a handsome man in the woods at Skipton Castle. His name was Saul, which I later discovered means 'longed for', which he so was, nine years of being alone, I felt those years, although I didn't know it; I was longing just for him. We soon became best friends and fell in love.
Saul wore kindness like a robe, he was patient, thoughtful, supportive and funny, and very well known to be one of the worlds last true gentlemen, respecting traditional values, yet adding the odd eccentric twist to tradition. He was truly unique.
Our relationship felt like a fairy tale, we used to say 'we're the dream team', with such balance to each others lives we felt we were born for one another. We lived a little cottage in a beautiful village in the Yorkshire Dales, with my daughter Gracie, and our two cats, we lived in such bliss.
So, of course, the day Saul popped the question, I felt that all my dreams came true! Swiftly, we booked the beautiful village church with the most glorious, tall, proud spire. Our wedding venue was booked, a gorgeous countryside hotel in the Yorkshire Dales. And of course, the wedding dress! I instantly fell in love with my beautiful, traditional and elegant wedding dress and knew Saul would love it too. Life couldn't be more exciting, this way our time, a moment in life both Saul and I had been waiting for.
And just to make life more exciting, Christmas was just around the corner! Being that social time of year, Saul had gone to visit family and friends in his home town Halifax, and was to attend to a golf dinner at his golfclub. I left him to it as I was still at work, and my daughter was still at school. Then on the 18th December, a week before Christmas, that's when my world fell apart, my dream come true, became my darkest nightmare. My darling, beautiful fiance had suddenly and unexpectedly died, alone.
The grief was unbearable, the pain was relentless and life as I knew it had become my darkest, cruelest enemy. I hated life. Thinking about a future without my darling man was torture. I did not want to live without my soulmate. I didn't know how to live without him.
And it's that last sentence that has driven me to create a blog...during grief, how do you do life? I remember on many occasions looking up online how to make life easier, or as my daughter would say 'life hacks'. But also, looking for messages of hope, does it always feel like this? Will I ever feel normal again? Is it possible to be happy again? I found so much information on how grief feels, how dark and painful it is, the deep the longing to have your loved one back, the deep pit of despair, the depression etc...Which is good, it helped me feel that I was not alone in my grief, it helped articulate feelings and thoughts I didn't understand. However, I struggled to find anything that said 'you're doing ok' or 'things will ease, life will feel ok again', and that's what I felt I needed. I needed HOPE because I had none, if I have no hope, I become HOPE-LESS, I didn't want that. Saul wouldn't want that and my daughter certainly needed me to find hope.
I wanted to create a place of hope and affirmations, but also a place for tips (or Life Hacks), to get you through those dark, heavy days, little tricks to make the practicalities of life that little bit easier.
I really do hope that this blog becomes, not only helpful for me, but for others. As I feel, at the moment, if we can't find the light in the darkness, we must become the light!
