Living through Loss

Parading lights,
Dances of blinding refractions… Red
The clanging of doors that open into their cold metal frame,
Making way to the urgency of shuffling hasty feet.

The medic’s voice stammers,
Reminding himself to forget nothing and remember everything.
Here you enter
Lifeless,
Your body limp, pale and stationary.

A soul surrendering to darkness,
With still so much life left to live.
Do you hear me calling your name?
Desperately hoping that inside you still linger.

For hours I labor, charged by a purpose,
Together we work,
To breathe life into you,
Shocking waves of electricity into a heart that refuses to beat on its own.

Exhausted, with beads of sweat upon our foreheads
We push forward,
Your heart flickers,
Fighting to strike a beat to its own harmonious accord.

Yet you do not awaken from this deep sleep,
You slip away as the encircling darkness consumes you,
The promise of light now just a blur in the distance.

We watch the relenting signs of life,
Listen to the slow beeps of a fleeting soul,
A flatline appears with a single hum that silences us all.

The hush of silence succumbs to the screams of horror,
for beside you a family grieves at your loss,
No consolation for these shattered lives or hearts.
You are loved…

There I stand,
Weak kneed and broken,
Though we have tried,
I feel defeated.

Distracted by my questioning thoughts.
Mindlessly traveling, as cars whir past me,
Ignoring the rush and blaring horns.
I ponder the moments leading up to your final hour.

Frustrated and finally home, I enter and throw my things aside,
I prepare myself for the respite,
Before I to return to the place you took your last breath,
Returning to the feeling of desperation and failure.

And as I slip below the sheets feeling alone in the darkness,
I allow myself to feel,
The tides have come, pushing forward with no regard to what remains in their path
A salted sting upon my already rosy cheeks.
I cry myself to sleep.

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