"CUTENESS IS FATTENING!"
By Big Boned Rodents Consultancy Agent Charlotte, Federal Fat Foods Research Department, Rendville Ohio.
"I have been on this diet for daaaaaays already. Can't you tell?"
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After investigating the void calories in gerbil-food, Charlotte has championed research into the cause of obesity in Western guinea-pigs. She concludes, “It’s the same old, same old. As always. Need I say more?”
We invited her to elaborate and she pulled out several graphs and pie charts to point at the sudden increase of weight excess incidence, to add, “Excuse the nails. They need clipping. But see here," and with a scratchy drag she follows a steep incline to a peak in the graph for today, where we read two in ten guinea-pigs have their bellys dragging over the floor.
Clearly our owners don’t understand our constitutions and focus only on the fuzzy enjoyment they can derive from our cuteness. It is killing us!
Of course, it is to our benefit that they want to feed us, and we will always be dependent on their choice of meal and snack for us; but this research remains valuable to mental health care, in that it dispells the myth that we were to blame ourselves for being too cute.
The leader of one Support Group is very clear: "we overwhelm our owners with our cuteness, and they don’t know how to cope with this in any way other than feeding us food. We must stop blaming ourselves for something that is innate and cannot be helped."
Psychological Issues
The number of psychological disorders have increased incremental to obesity issues. Charlotte explains: "Many feel anxious about being fattened up for festive purposes." Charlotte raises a meaningful eyebrow at this euphenism and we nod sympathetically. Who hasn't lost an relative, friend or relation touring in Tanzania or on a short break in the Andes?
She clears her throat and assures us, "This is not necessarily the case, but it is becoming ever more difficult to tell." She explains that it is becoming harder by the day to find the right therapy for OFBED (Obsessive Fear of Being Eat Disorder; No. 11.78, DSM-GPIII). It is her personal opinion that the traditional method of Gradual Exposure to one's obsessive compulsive root of fear is not effective, owing to the realistic cause for concern in Peru and in West AFrica, where farming for us for food is becoming very popular.
Learn About Lean Foods
In a more relaxed environment, where accommodation is pleasant and the attention is ample, the best way to cope with being at the fattening up end is by refusing all fatty snacks. "Educate yourself!" Charlotte urges. She recomends you refuse fattening foods and stick to cucumber, hay, pea-flakes or dill. "Trust your gut instinct and believe in your Right as Pet to demand leaner snacks!"
She adds that you don't really need to worry about why you are being fed (for love or meat) until you find yourself in shared accommodation with eight or more, although she won't give any guarantees on the safety still found in the number seven. There simply aren't any scientific studies to back up her personal hunch.
"Losing weight will not diminish our cuteness."
It took us too long to become proactive about our diets and domestic purpose, is the overall conclusion of Jorgé Guinea-Pig dietician in Haydenville, Ohio. He encourages us to adopt more natural lifestyles, practice a lot of squeaking and generally just stay cute. When the opportunity arises to lose the weight grab it. Many of his clients have developed such a warped relationship to food that they may even worry that dieting will affect their cuteness potential. Jorgé laughs that off. "Losing weight will not diminish our cuteness." In fact, he recommends we check out this video and find our cuteness enhanced by a lean diet.
We watched the video and died a few times over from surges of cuteness.
Check your weight here
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Find and compare with guideline-pictures of what constitutes obese here
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Attend a lecture on these findings by Dr. Barnowl-Hootentoot, "Familiarity breeds trust", on Guyfawkes Night, at his Clinic. Entry: any snack to snack on while you listen patiently. Patients: Free and will be given front-row seats. Please comb excess hair out before coming to prevent hairballs littering the auditorium.
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Are you feeling fat and depressed? Try a hairdressing appointment with Gem and Dave's in Junction City, Ohio. Puts the frizz back into any pig! Open all hours except during feeding times.
Cuteness breeds addictions!
Read all about Molly’s addiction to daisies in her autobiography out soon!
Another Great Christmas Gift Idea brought to you by @Sukhasanasister.
18% of the proceeds of events around the Book Launch and Tour will go to The Cuteness Care Centre, where Molly received the care she needed to fight her addiction.
Donate £5 (tax-deductable) to save a piggy from Compulsive Daisy Foraging (CDF; DSM-GP III, 501.77 section ii) and receive 1/4 of the book entirely FREE!
The Cuteness Care Centre helps guineas detox naturally on a scientifically approved diet of dandelion leaves and hay.