WARNING: If you have not yet made yourself familiar with the concept of satire, I highly recommend doing so because the following will certainly trigger you. (pun intended)
With all the recent banter regarding the lethality of semi-automatic firearms that look like military weapons, but are not functionally different than many hunting rifles,
I am perplexed why people are not talking about banning the most dangerous, insidious, lethal weapon ever conceived by humanity. I am of course talking about the Tactical Assault Revolver™:
Originally forged in the bowels of a dragon from demonic steel, the revolver has many design features which make it entirely more dangerous than any semi-automatic “assault style” rifle could ever be. Assault isn’t just a “style” for the revolver, it seems to be its mantra.
Just witness as this beginner puts incredible rates of fire on multiple targets with his revolver:
Did you see how the muzzle of the revolver barely came up off the target when the gun fired? That’s because the dastardly designers of the revolver eliminated any reciprocating parts to reduce muzzle flip and keep the revolver on target. It’s almost like the revolver wants to point at a target.
If you think that feat was incredible, just watch as this first time shooter hits two targets with two rounds and it only sounds like one round was fired because the revolver is so fast:
This specific model of revolver uses the insidious “single action”, meaning all the operator has to do is hold the trigger down and slap the hammer while pointing the revolver in the general direction of the target. The revolver does all the work. If my math is correct, and it usually is, this puts the revolver’s rate of fire at about 10,219 rounds per minute. That is more than a millionteen percent faster than a full blown M16 at 950 rounds per minute. What kind of sick mind could ever conceive something so absolutely lethal?
At this point, you might be thinking; “well, the revolver only holds six rounds, so that is safer than an AR-15.”
Oh no, friend, don’t let the revolver lull you into a false sense of security. Just watch how easy it is for this partially blind guy to reload a revolver when you don’t have to fumble around with those clumsy magazines:
The revolver just spits out the old casings and any beginner can easily toss fresh ammunition into the cylinder in a second. Revolvers practically reload themselves, and unlike semi-automatic firearms with those awkward magazines, they don’t jam when you need them the most.
Another dangerous feature of revolvers is their accuracy. Because the sights are mounted directly to the barrel and low to the bore axis, this allows for micrometer precision. Just watch as this rookie pistol shooter drills a target at 1,000 yards with his revolver:
If you are going to murder someone, there is nothing better to use than a revolver. Check out this engineered machine of death:
With this revolver and the .410 shotgun slug, you won’t leave any ballistic evidence that could tie your revolver to the crime. On top of that, you won’t have to worry about picking up empty shell casings after your assault because the revolver keeps them all safely inside until you are ready to dispose of the evidence properly (where the police can’t find it). Revolvers are just ruthless like that.
Of all the features designed into the revolver by the evil maniacs who originally conceived it - there is nothing more dangerous than its ability to hang out in public view and not cause people to have a panic attack like a semi-automatic does. Just watch as this sly revolver dons an old leather holster to deceive its prey:
On the outside, it looks like something that could be in a museum or an old western movie. It might bring back fond memories of playing “cops & robbers” with cap guns when you were a kid. But, that’s just what the revolver wants us to think. The revolver knows we are vulnerable when our guard is down. And that is precisely when this scandalous lead slinging viper will make its move.
I hope we all muster up the courage to ban this incredibly destructive weapon. If we don’t do something to stop these vicious revolvers from falling into the wrong hands, their incredibly lethal and dangerous tactical advantage will undoubtedly reap unfathomable destruction.
Or, maybe I’m just wrong, and if someone is determined and well practiced, they can transform any inanimate object into a weapon of mass destruction.
Perhaps it's just too hard for us to ban people like that, and we’d rather chant their name, cheer for them, and laugh at their jokes about blowing kids up rather than protecting our children by locking these monsters up.