I’ve recently been asked what ‘is wrong’ with my nails so I thought I’d share why my hands look this way.....
There’s never been a time I can remember where I haven’t bitten my nails. It’s been instinct for me since I developed teeth as a child to bite my nails in moments of stress, fear and discomfort, as I basically came out of the womb with severe anxiety and detachment issues. Biting was a kind of self-soothing technique of mine which got me through times of separation from my mum. With time my #nailbiting developed into a bad habit, where I grew up with my fingers constantly in mouth. It meant my nails were always short which was something I was ashamed of, especially when friends would ask if they could paint my nails and I had admit they couldn’t. My mum was also always at me about biting them, telling me to stop ALL THE TIME. It made me quite self-conscious and embarrassed about my nail biting and almost more prone to reacting with the anxious habit.
It turns out I have #onychophagia, compulsive nail biting, which is linked to my obsessive compulsive behaviours. I’m embarrassed to say that my nails are currently the worst they’ve ever been. In fact I barely have nail left. What you see are my crippled nail beds, which I now continuously pick, rip and pull until I bite through the skin. Which often leads (TMI) to blood, puss and open wounds which are extremely painful.
I’ve tried almost everything to stop - manicures, foul-tasting polish, gloves, band aids, fake nails, fidget gadgets, bribes and rewards...but nothing has worked. I think this is because the urge to bite resides deeper than just ‘habit’. It’s a coping mechanism which has also been my longest standing form of self-harm. I’m hoping to eventually find an alternative way to handle my anxieties along with addressing my obsessive-compulsive personality.
I’m disgusted by my nails and hide my hands when I can, so posting this picture is really distressing! But it’s something I am willing to talk about and shouldn’t have to hide. I also believe there could be more awareness for compulsive disorders like nail biting, skin picking and hair pulling ♥️