Practicing Happy
Practicing happy may seem like an odd arrangement of words. But words often tell us more about our motives, perceptions and behaviors than we realize.
One of the age old questions of mankind has been "How do I find true happiness" or someone might ask "What makes you happy?” The first phrase sounds rather haphazard and random, as if happiness is a tangible item that some supreme being has hidden under a rock for us to stumble upon - while the latter phrase is totally passive. To ask what "makes us happy" implies an event outside of ourselves, some occurrence, or object that either forces happiness upon us or robs it from us.
Many studies have been conducted about happiness because of its mental and physical benefits, not to mention the increased quality of life we have when we are happy. Some of the studies specifically looked at people who have encountered extremely difficult or tragic circumstances in their lives yet still manage to be happy people.
These studies found that happy people have different habits in their thought patterns. They actively pursue happiness and nurture it by appreciating the things they have to be thankful for. When they encounter negative experiences they do so with a sense that they will overcome their situation, maintaining a commitment to focusing on what they CAN do rather than what they can't.
This may sound trite and of course is not a suggestion that one can simply "think their way out" of depression. Clinical depression can be related to chemical imbalances in the brain which must be treated like any other medical condition. But we aren't discussing that kind of happiness here.
What we are talking about is why some people seem to have more of a capacity for experiencing joy and overcoming stressful and negative experiences than others. Given the dramatic differences in the quality of life that this can bring, I wanted to share what I've learned from these studies as well as from my own experiences.
First off, you have to have good happiness habits. This is sometimes called mental hygiene.
Before detailing these habits I should mention that neurologists know that when we experience emotions, chemicals signals are released in our brain. These chemicals attach to the matching receptors in the brain to complete a pathway. Different emotions have different chemicals and different pathways.
Neural pathways used frequently get stronger each time they are utilized and those not used as often get weaker. Over time the reoccurrence of the sane emotional reactions can change the hard wiring of the brain.
But that might suggest that people who have more often experienced difficult life events would have stronger negative pathways, but this is not true. Many people who describe themselves as happy have been through very negative experiences while other people who have had pretty mild lives are not happy.
The difference is how happy people process their experiences. They tend to focus on positive emotions on a regular basis and therefore have strong positive pathways. When they first encounter a negative situation, they take an active role in how they process that negative experience.
In the minds of happy people, the very first perception of that negative experience causes them to deal with it in a way that is more productive, in a way that causes their brain to release different chemical signals, that causes the strengthening of the neural pathways which help them to overcome their hardship.
As a result, over time, these individuals become mentally and emotionally stronger because they are, by good mental habits, building a brain that is built to overcome.
The unhappy person tends to be overwhelmed, flooded with sadness, anxiety, anger, feelings of helplessness and they focus on how bad they are feeling. This sends out different chemical signals, thus building and reinforcing the pathways that will make those thinking patterns more dominant and thus, situations harder to overcome.
I need to pause here to say that this should not be interpreted to mean that if a person is not happy it is their own fault. This is not about assigning blame. What it is, is a call to all of us to have an awareness of the mechanisms at work in our minds and to remember that although we can not avoid bad life experiences, we are not helpless to change how we deal with them.
The tools with which we might build a stronger mind however are not "found" they are not things which will be foisted upon us "making" us happy but rather are things in which we must take an active role.
In much the same way that we can not prevent all physical illnesses, we can still develop healthy habits to help us recover more quickly when we do get sick and we can make choices to avoid things we know will cause disease.
One last thing I want to mention. During my first job in customer service I attended a training on what “good customer service” is. The trainer talked about the importance of smiling at the guests and engaging them with an energetic welcoming attitude. I almost walked out thinking I was hired as a security guard and didn't realize being bubbly was part of the deal.
I've never been a "perky" person and it seemed fake to me. The trainer told me that research shows if you make yourself smile and behave in a friendly manner your brain will be convinced that you are experiencing a happy event and that by smiling you can actually make yourself happier. I didn't believe it, but I gave it a try and the fact is that acting happy does make you a happier person.
This “fake it until you make it” is only good as a starting point though. Cultivate a positive attitude by knowing that the first step on the path to happiness is realizing that you can't pick the events in life but you can decide how you will perceive them.
Just try this. The next time a negative situation happens in your life, when you feel that emotion rising up in you, the fear of being overwhelmed, say to yourself, "I will get past this." The idea is not to stop your feelings or repress them. That is not possible or healthy. Tell yourself you are going to feel it these emotions, but not let them seize control of you.
Once the waves of emotion begin to calm you will start to separate the feelings, anger, grief, shock, hurt, etc. This is where you can choose the direction you will take. If you focus on the angry feelings, those connections will become stronger and every moment you focus on it is a reinforcing of that thought pattern. Anger changes nothing about the situation. It is cyclical. It won't move you past the experience to a place of healing.
Likewise grief, though a necessary feeling to have, doesn't move you forward. As you allow yourself to feel these feelings, you have to try and find a positive to focus on to keep balance. As time moves on, you will tip the balance back to the positive. Just like physical therapy after an injury, it will be slow and hard at first but you will feel you are on a path to recovery.
With each event life throws at you, these mental exercises with create a stronger more positive brain.
I hope something in this article helps you onto a happier path.