After news about Harvey Weinstein emerged, I couldn’t help but wonder about my own experiences. At first I couldn’t understand why it took these brave women so long to speak up, it saddened, horrified me and made me feel so angry they had to put up with this. I briefly felt lucky I didn’t have to go through what so many have … until I realized I was wrong. I had completely forgotten about uncomfortable situations when I first tried to break into the entertainment industry as well as while working in other industries. The “friends” I confided in dismissed what I said because they thought I was being a drama queen and making a big deal out of nothing. I realize now I blocked these experiences because I felt ashamed. I felt they were my fault and that I had provoked them. I preferred to believe they didn’t happen, but they did happen because the world is filled with Harvey Weinsteins (both in the entertainment industry and outside of it).
Art by Clay Jones. Follow him on Twitter @claytoonz
While in college I met this producer who invited me to his apartment in Philadelphia to discuss future opportunities. We had met a couple times in his office and he had never attempted anything so I figured it would be safe. We went there with another guy, someone from his team, and to me this added a sense of security, but when we arrived I realized it was a studio apartment. I had blocked this memory so hard, that I can’t honestly remember if he asked me to sit on the bed while we chatted and he sat on a couch/chair, or if it was the other way around (it was a small space), but I do remember feeling more uncomfortable with every passing minute. It didn’t feel right and I had a feeling in my gut that I should leave. I was afraid and couldn’t stop thinking “How could I have been so stupid to get myself into this situation?” Having that extra person in the room stopped feeling safe. I realized I was alone with 2 strangers. If something happened it was their word against mine. They were a team, and I was not part of that team … I was on my own. So after a bit I excused myself and left. I tried to act natural and laugh at their jokes but after that meeting no further opportunities were discussed, and the conversations pretty much stopped. As the months went by I couldn’t help but wonder: “What if I had stayed?” “Maybe I overreacted”. “Did I offend them?” “What if I blew my only opportunity at something bigger and better?” I felt it was my fault and that maybe I made something that encouraged that situation. I cried for weeks thinking about the opportunities I had lost. I will never know if he was planning to actually do something, but the fact that he stopped communicating made me feel like my gut was right.
A few years later I moved to L.A. and started applying to every ad I would find: newspapers, magazines, craigslist, online sties, etc.
There was a music producer offering a “production deal to a talented female singer” in exchange for some services. Yes, even with all the red flags in the ad I replied. I mentioned I would be willing to help around the studio and maybe cooking and cleaning as well. He asked for some pictures (the sexier, the better), but I ignored this and kept replying focusing on the work (I was hoping my talent would be enough to convince him to just work with me and forget about the rest). When he directly asked if I would be interested in anything involving nudity or intimacy I declined.
Even with all this, I agreed to meet him when he asked (I was still hoping after we met he might like to give a try to just working, that my work would speak for itself). He sent me his home address, and even though I agreed at first, my common sense decided to step in (finally) and put an end to that nonsense, so I requested to meet at a Starbucks. We met, and he seemed nice. I was really excited about the possibility of working with him (especially because during the meeting he no longer suggested the requirement for intimacy and I felt my talent had done the trick).
We emailed a couple more times and then he brought up the intimacy thing again. I stood firm (again) by replying that it was out of the question and mentioned I would understand if that didn't work for him, but asked him if maybe he would be willing to refer me to someone who could work with me. After my message he simply replied: “Sorry you feel that way, let me know if you ever change your mind, good luck.”
Once again, I was crushed and felt so stupid. I questioned myself over and over again, and a part of me even thought “Maybe I should say yes … so many people do this … why am I such a prude? What if this could make a difference in my life … Who knows, maybe I could eventually like him?” … It was an awful feeling. He sent an additional message that seemed like an apology (though he still brought up having sex with him), which I ignored, and then a few months later he emailed again to ask me on a date! WTH?
Now, I finally understand that just because I agreed to meet with him, nothing gave him the right to request sex for the work he would be doing. How would I have felt in the long term if I had agreed to sex as a payment in exchange for his work? I know the answer: it would have killed me.
Hollywood and the entertainment industry are a boys club. As a woman, if you are on set and tell your director that you are not happy with that take, or you feel something is missing, some will dismiss you, but if your male co-star says the same they will bend backwards to make him happy. If you complain about something you are labeled as difficult to work with, as complicated, and if at some point heck, you dare to cry out of frustration, all hell will break lose because you are just too sensitive and impossible.
Unfortunately, it is not just Hollywood. I have worked in different industries and it is not that different. If a woman suggests an idea it is dismissed, if a man suggests the same a few minutes later he is hailed as a genius, and in men ruled companies (like oil, gas and mining) God forbid a woman gets a pay rise and/or is promoted, all the men will be talking about who she slept with to earn the promotion or pay rise, because of course it can't be based on her work. I also remember when the owner of a company I worked for would try to arrange dates for the “girls” with other “gentlemen” he was doing business with (some people thought his behavior was actually cute), but now I understand the way he did it was wrong (this was work after all). He was generous and kind some times, but he was also a bully so many times to so many of the workers, male and female (not with the dating thing, but with other things). If felt like you were working with 2 different people. I even worked in HR and didn’t have the courage to speak up, after all, he was the owner of the company and the men that did most of the "jokes" were his "buddies", so who would I complain with? And once again, because I didn’t want to be considered difficult to work with I remained silent and laughed it off over and over again (now I also realize, I did this to fit in because everyone else did it).
Art by Adam Zyglis @ The Buffalo News
So I understand those women and victims who felt powerless. I understand that they felt they had too much to lose, and that when they tried to speak up they were dismissed (some), which more likely made them feel like it was their fault even more.
To all the other women/men that dismiss their friends’ experiences as making a “big deal out of nothing”, you are part of the problem. No one has the right to harass (sexually or not) or bully anyone else under any circumstance, and if a friend is opening up to you, you need to be supportive, to listen to them (sometimes that is all we need).
I am not asking you to speak up for her, because she will do it when she is ready, but how can we expect for someone to speak up if even her friends don’t believe her or think that what happened to her was nothing? How will that help them, the victims (I hate that word) believe that someone else will take them seriously?
To all the men (and women) out there who have never committed a heinous act of sexual assault, harassment or bullying: thank you. However, if you were present when any of these things happened and didn’t say a word, I am sorry to tell you: you are also part of the problem and this needs to change. No, I am not asking you to punch the creep in the face, but just firmly state that whatever they said / did was out of line. Make them feel that what they are saying is wrong. This might eventually make them change their behavior (nothing can guarantee that, but it’s a start). By laughing at their “joke”, or not saying anything when they are making sexual advances / bullying / harassing, you are approving their behavior, which encourages them to continue acting the same way.
To all the victims out there, please understand that just because you flirt with someone or laugh at their jokes does not mean they can harass you in ANY WAY (even if people will get a bit angry at me for saying the following, I will say though that sometimes we also fail by flirting in order to get what we want, what we need … and it’s wrong. It needs to stop because we never know who we are dealing with, and if it is a perv we are giving them the power, and the chance for said perv to make us feel like we provoked it, to make us second guess ourselves … but I will say this again: even if you purposely flirted with someone, it does not give them the right to harass you in any way), and to all the predators/perpetrators/pervs out there understand the following: JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE FLIRTS WITH YOU OR LAUGHS AT YOUR JOKES DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN HARRASS THEM IN ANY WAY (heck, they might not even be flirting, maybe they are just friendly people and it was all in your head because at the end of the day YOU are the problem).