I had the luxury to spend some time the other day with my dear friend 
I remember mentioning to her, 'It's a good thing Frankie is the way she is. I think she is that way because I need her to be.'
And that is what I want to talk about. It is a very powerful thing.
In a previous post I wrote weeks ago, I talked about my story for a contest. I wrote about the postpartum depression I had that lasted 5 years. It was rough, hard and sad.
Aaden is my first born child. We planned to have him and was quite an experience. I was very much in love with my boy. Everything was new. He taught me how to see life in different perspectives, how everything was beautiful and wondrous and even how some things, even the little things can be so scary. He taught me how much a person can love and connect and be there for one another. His laughter was my happiness. His smile was my sunshine.
Today he is 7 years old and he teaches me how I need to raise him, for him to benefit from this life and I too will benefit from it.
Emma is my second born child. For me she was half planned. I was convinced that I was ready for having a second child, but during the times for trying, I started getting negative thoughts. I talked to Danny, telling him I think we should stop trying as to not encourage a negative experience but it was too late. I was already pregnant.
Many nights I have cried beside Aaden’s bed while he slept. Cried because I felt I was taking something away from him. Knowing that I couldn’t be with him as much with having my second child hurt me, it pained my heart. At this time I knew something was wrong with me. I was angry at nothing, my moods were not the best but when I was with Aaden, everything was fine.
When I had Emma, the postpartum depression kicked in full. I wish I could say more about Emma’s babyhood but there are lot’s that I cannot remember. I go by pictures to remind me more of those days. And to me this is very, very hard.
She had the chubbiest cheeks I have ever seen. Gosh she was beautiful. I do remember that she was very clingy. She did not want to leave my side to see anyone. Didn’t want anyone to touch her either. She stuck to me like glue. She made me feel most wanted, even though it annoyed me at the time, today I see that it was what she needed me to know.
Today she is 5; she still has those chubby cheeks but has grown into them more. She is stubborn more now than she has ever been. She was born heard headed. I have learned from here that there are many different skills to go by when going against a situation. Learning that children, too, must understand the why’s and how come’s so that they can find reason and work with it, just like us and how we could benefit from looking at views from different angles.
Frankie is my 3rd and last child. This was the hardest of my pregnancies emotionally. A surprise baby. The depression has not left at that time and learning that I was pregnant was horrifying to me. 2 children to take care of was already overwhelming.
I started seeing a social worker. It felt good to tell her all my problems. I cried every time when I talked about my pregnancy. The hardest of my obstacles. I talked to her and Danny about it, being open about my feelings toward it as I was thinking abortion. I struggled with this so much. I hated myself for letting this happen. I have always told myself that I will never be in this kind of situation, but it happened and I had to deal with it. I thought long and hard with abortion always lingering in my brain. But the baby got the best of me and decided to keep her. It took me a while to tell everyone I was pregnant. I was not proud of it, didn’t like it when people tried rubbing my belly.
When the big day came to give birth, I was really nervous. During contractions a song came to mind and brought me to tears. Then I sang to my baby in my belly. ‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You never know dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.’ This song was my late grandfather’s favorite song. Why this came to mind? I believe he was there with me. I was told he was close to me and loved me as if I were his own. He needed to tell me and show me. The second part to that song has a meaning to me as what would have been if I never kept her. ‘The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my head and I cried.
There is more to that song but those are 2 verses that I know. I still sing it to Frankie but I sometimes leave out the 2nd part.
Frankie is the happiest child I know. She is silly, always smiling and is full of life and excitement. She is exactly what I need her to be since the day she was born. I know she is a messy child but when she gives me that smile, she warms my heart and that tells me that everything is still ok. She is my hugger. She will pat me on my back and hug me tight, she cuddles me and stays close. When I am hurt she even tries to take care of me and kiss my ‘bobo’s’. She is a free spirit and adventurous. And she looooooves babies!
Frankie is 2 and half now. I am still learning about her and her personality. For now, I know that when things go wrong, I search for her to give me that hug of hers.
Without my children, my views upon this world would have been plain. I would have not learned to love properly and meaningfully. I would not have them around to help me heal.
If you have children, please, take the time to reflect upon what they have showed you and you will see how our children are our medicines. Open up and you will heal.