I think a lot about harm, the reparation of harm, and our roles and responsibilities as those who have been harmed, who harm others, and who witness harm. One of the most difficult ideas I wrestle with in this domain has to do with the rights, responsibilities, and path of those who have been harmed. Because survivors of harm occupy such a precarious and vulnerable space, it's essential that we hold their/our experience with compassion and care, while cultivating the conditions most conducive to their/our healing.
Conversations about harm often begin with a focus on the person who has caused harm, especially in cultures (like my own) which privilege retributive justice. While there is certainly much to say about causes, accountability, and reparation, I would like to begin here with some thoughts about the experience, (some of the) needs, and healing of the ones who have experienced harm, which (so far as I know) includes all of us.
Perhaps because of the profound sense of disconnection that comes with being harmed, othering, judgement, and a sense of moral superiority often ride in on its coattails. Reconnection to self, Source, the person who caused the harm (if appropriate and safe), and community can lead to healing for all involved. This reconnection often involves a movement through "us/them" thinking to empathy and a recognition of shared humanity. I believe that wholeness (two faces of which are connection and empathy) is our foundational essence, our original state before the inevitable experience of trauma begins to create rifts in our sense of connectedness to Source, to ourselves, and to others.
Saying that this movement from disconnection to reconnection is the "responsibility" of the person harmed is tricky territory, because we can no more prescribe empathy and connection than we can prescribe forgiveness. There can be no "should" here, because reconnection, like forgiveness, is a process that must happen from the inside, from a place of courage, strength, readiness, and safety, rather than from a sense of coercion or obligation. It is never helpful to levy judgement on others' willingness or ability to heal, forgive, or cultivate resiliency. There are myriad factors involved in each of our paths to healing, both from specific instances of harm and in a broader, lifelong sense, and many of those factors are invisible to others. Our individual paths are ours alone to evaluate and reckon with.
This topic invariably invites a conversation about victim-blaming, which I see as a symptom of clouded understanding (not to mention disconnection). I would like to stress the importance of discerning between blaming the victim, which adds violence and compounds harm, creating a further barrier to healing, and offering support to those who have experienced harm, helping to create a safe space in which they can, in their own time, cultivate a clear understanding of their role in the experience and empower themselves to seek reconnection in the ways that make sense for them.
I'm currently laboring under the theory that a large part of the work we are called to as sovereign beings is to experience harm from all sides (causing, experiencing, witnessing) and do the difficult work of moving through trauma to the healing on the other side. As far as I can tell, this involves a commitment to refraining from committing harm, and to addressing and healing the harm that has been done to ourselves and others.
What have you learned about moving through harm to wholeness? Have you experienced a sense of reconnection to yourself, to others, or to your community as a result of the harm/healing you've experienced? I invite your thoughts and experiences on this topic as I clarify my own understanding of it.