I have an addiction now. It is not something I can control and realizing I am smoking dependant makes me fell disappointed on myself to the point where I just hate my actions.
Obviously this was not today but it is the only picture I have of me holding a cigarette. It is not something I am proud of.
I have been a smoker since I am 18 years old, right now I am ten years older and this night is the first time I realized I have an addiction and I can´t stop smoking even if I want to.
I waited until I was 18 to make up my mind if I wanted to smoke, just because I decided that if I was going to make a decision that could ruin my life I wanted to be mature enough to make it, talk about being somewhat mature at 18 right?
I stopped being a minor and guess what? Of course I wanted to smoke! I craved being cool and feel rebelious while holding a cigarette with the same hand I drinked my Cuba Libre on a friday night speaking with a pretty girl at the party.
I made a deal with myself, a very simple and easy to follow agreement with my other self, my mature self:
Every time I feel like I am becoming at the very least a little dependant of having a cigarette I would stop smoking for three months, just to prove to myself that I control my addiction and not the other way around.
So far I had been able to fulfill this treaty of arms. I think that I have stopped smoking around 6 times in my life and after completing the three month deal I just go back to smoking.
I just can´t stop smoking. I have a $10 dollar budget per day to travel in Central America and yet I am still spending 10% of that budget on cigarettes. I know I have to stop but ever since I got robbed at gunpoint in a Guatemalan Highway I NEED to have a smoke everytime I try to write a piece for Steemit or my personal blog or even when I try to write a chapter of my ongoing book.
And on this day, this precise night I went to an the extreme decision of walking on a Honduran highway very late at night and expose myself to dangers I could have avoided just to be able to fulfill this need of a small piece of rolled cancer. Do you realize what you´ve done, Eric? Really? Is your need for a cigarette more important than your safety? One thing is to hitchhike for giggles and thrills but to expose your safety for something that is literally killing you?
I know, I told you this post was going to get positive in the middle but I lied. The good part is that the end is positive.
How will you know if I smoke? Well, you have to trust me.
But now my oath is on the blockchain and it can never be erased.
