I think that it is a sign of my final capitulation because it has been so many years of constant endurance and I believe that something at some point would give within my body while in other patients it happened a long time ago.
I am baffled about my body because it lasted for so many years now and those 16 years of misery isn't the real number because before I was a dialysis patient I was already suffering, physically, financially, socially, and maybe all the -ly's you could imagine. That is why in this lifetime it was just like a kind of hell on earth for me.
I really just wanted to die but it seems that I have to wait until nature takes it's time on me. I do in some way wanted to achieve my goals but my parents are old and if they would not enjoy much of what I could give them then it is somehow pointless to pursue some of my life goals.
But it may be better to continue to fight although it is awfully hard and it seems hopeless, I will just do what it takes to get into my goals in life so that at least my parents could be proud of me and I just needed more time and prayers because it is getting more difficult to live as days passes by, I wish and hope that I could still press on despite that my body grows weaker as I can feel it creeping up on me.