I was having this discomfort now everytime I am having my dialysis and it pertains to the pain in my neck which happens when my blood pressure is low and I was not experiencing it unlike before where my vision just slowly dims leading to blackout. But now there is a pain factor there and I am afraid and worried that I might not make it soon.
But it is just while hooked up at dialysis and about a few moments while my blood is being returned the pain and discomfort feeling ceases especially while not getting treated at all I am not having any heartbeat issues, arrhythmia or whatever in my heart that I can perceive except just being aware of my heartbeat because of my hypertension.
I will not not be so surprised that maybe one day I will just fall off and learn that I am having a heart attack which I hope that will be fast and swift to take my life like that in my Uncle's case. What I do not like is to suffer from a stroke and lead me in a vegetative state.
But actually I wanted to die already because of the multitude of health issues that I am dealing with which is also expensive to maintain. I just wanted not to see other family members die before me because that will put me in a more precarious and much more difficult situation than I am dealing now and I do not like that to happen.
It is just I do not want to die not being treated for dialysis because I am really afraid of a lingering death type of passing-away. That is why with all what I could do I am trying my very best to take my head up from the water but if I would be passing -way soon like tomorrow then I would sweetly accept it after all not all things are possible and in my control but God.