I’ve been a smoker of cigarettes for 10 years. The longest time I’ve been without cigarettes after I started is 7 months. If you’re not that honest to other people, that’s okay according to me, but whatever you do please don’t lie to yourself. I try to be as honest I can to other people and most of all, I try really hard to not lie to myself. No matter what it is about and how dark it is. We all have darkness inside of us and one of the most stupid thing you can do is to deny your shadow side. So, the truth is that I think cigarettes actually saved my life.
I started to smoke daily when I was 20 years old. I was not feeling good about myself and I was miserable so I just had to do something stupid and self-destructive. I could have started with some other drugs but I decided to start with cigarettes. What I didn’t realize back then was that cigarettes would be one of my best friends, and sometimes my only friend, but it was really a very bad friend.
I forgive myself for smoking during 10 years, because I understand why I started with it, why I continued with it and that it probably saved my life. When I was 21 years old my whole world exploded and I myself imploded. I died in some sense. I had a major crisis and I was admitted to the mental hospital. They said I had psychosis and gave me strong anti-psychotic pills. Then I got a terrible and deep depression that in some ways was even worse than the psychosis. I lost myself totally. I was nobody anymore. I was just an empty shell, just a piece of flesh and bones walking around like a ghost or a zombie. I lost my soul. I lost all my friends. Only my family was there for me and I could not even communicate with them anymore, I lost my social skills altogether.
My only friends was cigarettes. They were always there for me. Yeah, I had to buy them but that was okay. Yeah, they slowly kills you but I wanted to die anyway so that was not really a problem. Without them I’m not sure if I would have survived that period of my life, really. Whatever happened I could always turn to my dear friends, and they never said no, they never talked bad about me behind my back and they were always there for me 24/7.
During these 10 years they’ve been trying to kill me slowly though. They always have a hidden agenda. They want to see me dead. I’ve been coughing and coughing. The most of the time I couldn’t even sleep on my back at night because I would cough so badly. Sometimes I would almost puke from coughing. They’re not real friends, they’re fake friends!
They smell horrible and an Israeli healer told me that they’re making holes in your aura. He also said: how can you expect your body to heal if you’re constantly putting poison into it? He’s right. It doesn’t make sense to do too much healing work when you’re still a smoker. How can you say that you love yourself and still everyday you’re putting poison inside of your body like that? I don’t think that smokers truly love themselves. Someone that you love you would want to treat well, to smoke is not to treat yourself good.
I will try to stop smoking today onwards. Thank you cigarettes for saving my life and being a friend for me but now I feel strong enough to move on, without you. I will see you every now and then but I will try to not get involved with you again. I can say hello and smile at you but nothing more. I need my body to heal now, I’ve grown out of you, and we’re too different nowadays. I believe my life will be better without you. Thanks and goodbye.
Blessings! <3