My Story Battling the Black Dog (Depression)

I hope this can help others suffering Mental Health problems. There is still a lot of unwarranted stigma around Mental Health despite the fact that 1 in 4 families will be affected by it.

Let me tell you, you are not alone, things can get better.

So where to start…..

I suffer from Depression, it wasn’t always so and I cannot say when it started. In fact it was a slow slide over a matter of years, so slow that I didn’t even realise it was happening. Looking back now the signs were obvious, friends and family saw the changes in me and towards the end commented that I should see my doctor, but I didn’t. Then one day for seemingly no reason it hit me like a train.

I suddenly broke down in tears in the middle of the office and had to leave, to find somewhere safe, to curl up and never come out.

The Dam had broken.

At that point it dawned on me that yes there was something wrong, I needed help.

Initially I was signed off for a couple of weeks and attempted to return to work like nothing had happened, this was a mistake and something that I didn’t understand at the time but do now.

Before too long I had another breakdown and had to return to my doctor, after a lengthy discussion I finally accepted that I needed more help, this wasn’t something that I would just shake off. So I was prescribed Citalopram and was advised to stay off work for the next few months for my medication and my mood to stabilise.

I would love to say that by this point I was all back to normal, unfortunately Mental Health is not that simple and the interactions of medication and our brains is not well understood. Over the course of the next few months my mood did indeed improve, I felt more relaxed, less frustrated, less angry. However the side effects of the medication left me exhausted all the time and I was sleeping 12 hours plus every day, I could operate somewhat normally at work but then I would have no life outside of work. Eventually, I said, “enough is enough, I cannot live like this”. So with agreement from my doctor my medication was changed to 150mg of Sertraline, which is a rather high dose.

Now changing medication at first felt like it had put me back to step 1, this confused my colleagues. I was even asked to get a second opinion as it was seen that as I had appeared fine at work, why would I change, my manager could not understand my decision.

Since that point I have gradually improved, the troughs have turned into dips and happen much less often, even when I am down I can operate somewhat normally. I have taken time off when I have needed it and these occurrences have dramatically reduced to nothing over the last year.

Unfortunately, this has also led to frictions at work and for me to be investigated by HR for my absence. Now, I have been cleared of any wrongdoing however but such investigation is not a comfortable experience even with those involved being understanding.

I have also had to fight tooth and nail to get my working hours adjusted. Whilst Sertraline is much better than Citalopram for me, it does still massively disrupt my sleep. I can neither easily get to sleep or wake up making it near impossible to arrive at work in the morning at a regular time. The new hours have been very helpful for me

Many of my colleagues have been supportive and have even understood what I have been through. For some though it has felt as though real understanding has been lacking. When my mood is right I am open about my illness, and the talking has helped.

This is my story. The dog is still there, I feel him watching and waiting.

Here are a random selection of memes (Everyone likes memes right) on the subject that I like: