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“Let Thy Food Be Thy Medicine”
A chapter about the paradox of self-healing.
I was getting so tired all the time. I had to quit one of my jobs. There must have been something wrong with me. I started to sleep a lot to let my body heal itself. I was still so sleepy and tired. It made me anxious. Maybe it was something I ate that was poisoning my body?
Grains and lactose.
I decided to give a shot to remove all grains and lactose from my diet.
A perfect meal.
This was one of my safe foods. I ate that or very similar food for dinner every single day for months.
Alternative medicine.
I started to read about natural ways to heal those symptoms I had been experiencing. I’d developed acne which seemed to get only worse. I felt my metabolism was slowing down, so I needed to speed it up more. I started using natural laxatives daily – drinking cayenne pepper tea every night and magnesium citrate every morning. I started adding turmeric powder to every meal because all the promised healthy effects of that magic spice.
We got to be the opening act for the most popular rock band in my country.
My only purpose that night was to survive. I didn’t like the make-up. I didn’t enjoy our shows anymore. I was tired and worried about my health. After the gig I got home and made myself one of my safe-dinners, followed by my safe-smoothie. Then I tried to sleep and not think about all the awkward moments I had that night and all the mistakes I’d made.
Discovering Ayurveda.
There’s enormous amount of information available on the internet about eating and effects of different foods. Being so tired that I couldn’t go to work or practice guitar, it was basically the only thing I could do – study food and human biology. Besides studying meditation, psychology and philosophy. I created meal plans. I observed and recorded my body responses to different foods. I no longer ate junk food after gigs. I set my meal times, so they would be the same every single day. I also set fixed times for all the other activities as well, like shopping, showering, waking up, surfing the internet and so on. I had been so hopeless about getting better but I finally thought I’d found something that worked. The list of forbidden foods was many-many times longer than the list of safe foods. There was about 10 different foods and some specific spices I was allowed to consume. Everything had to be measured with a measuring cup. I also started drinking a spice mixture that had a cleansing and laxative effect. To get all impurities out of my body. Having loose, watery stools was an indicator that there was nothing left inside my body. Then I felt pure, empty, thin and in control.
My measured portions for breakfast and a lunch.
Everything on those pictures were measured in cups, ounces and tablespoons according to my own interpretation of myplate.com recommendations mixed with ayurvedic concepts. Food had to be made of fresh vegetables and also look good. Eating had to take place in a calm environment with nice, soothing music. Only thinking about eating somewhere else but home made me anxious.
I tried to be the perfect soon-to-be non-grain vegan. It took a lot of work to find the right amounts of vegan food to replace all dairy, grains and animal proteins. Most of my days consisted of calculating, analyzing, reading, watching videos and creating meal plans. I also made a garden plan to start growing my own food in summer. With exact amounts of plants needed to cover my yearly consumption of vegetables, it took me days, even weeks to get it right. Making plans and keeping my mind pure with meditation were the only things that kept my mind off from worrying about my tiredness, money, job and future. And also from emotions that appeared when I realized my failure as a musician and as a normal member of society since I had lost almost all connections with other people and I didn’t have a job. I was in debts.
May, 2016. Public broadcasting building dressing room before our band's single presentation.
For me that performance on TV was just the final obstacle. Later that day I had to move out from my apartment that I couldn’t (and didn’t want to ) afford anymore. I moved back to my parents’ and had decided to move to countryside to live self-sufficiently and in harmony with nature. All this show with make-up and clothes was just as a stupid game that didn’t thrill me anymore.
4 days later I was in emergency room with needles in my veins, getting a blood transfer. BMI = 13.9
I was diagnosed with severe anemia and I wasn’t allowed to walk. To be honest, I didn’t want to, but the voice in my head kept telling me to move to keep my digestion going. After being assured that the only cause for my tiredness and anemia was my eating habits, I actually tried to eat hospital food. As I realized that I couldn’t possibly do that, because it wasn’t my safe food, I felt like the whole world just collapsed. For the first time in several months I allowed myself to cry. I was scared. I was now truly scared to die.
PART 1: https://steemit.com/health/@joanneblowanne/killing-perfectionism-1-intro-perfection-and-control
PART 2: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-2-onset
PART 3: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-3-loss-of-control
PART 4: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-4-fat-is-a-feeling