A little over a year ago not long after joining the Steemit community, I wrote a post about my eating disorder. You can read it here. It was a bit tough to write and get out there, but all in all I'm glad I did. As much as I hoped it helped someone, it was also a little therapeutic to talk about it for myself. So here I am today well because it's still an issue to others and myself. There's also some things that have happened since the last post and some things I feel I should have included. Also I want to address some questions I have been asked before.
For those of you who did not read my previous post on this, here's a bit of a summary. I suffer from an eating disorder called anorexia nervosa. I say suffer because yes that is what it does, makes you suffer. It is one of three known to the medical community with the others being binge eating disorder and bulimia. If you don't know the difference between the three, it's basically those suffering from anorexia tend to restrict their eating or completely stop it altogether and starve themselves. Bulimia is the act of usually feeding the body or binging and feeling so terribly guilty about what was consumed that they purge it out of themselves. Binge eating disorder is usually characterized by frequently eating or overeating and being unable to control it, but usually without the purging involved.
So now that you have a basic understanding of what those are, I want to address some questions that both people I know, people I don't know, and "professionals" seem to have a hard time understanding. I think as a person that is currently relapsing/trying to recover, I'm more than qualified to answer some and maybe shed some light on this. It may actually provide some insight and maybe you'll be able to understand and be more compassionate to those suffering from an ED. However, I am speaking from my own experiences and for myself only as everyone is different.
How and why does it start?
This is a question I have been asked by many people over the last 17 years that I've been battling this. When I was 13 and first experiencing this behavior, I genuinely didn't even know at the start why it was happening. I mean I knew I wanted to lose a bit of weight, but I didn't understand when I lost what I was supposed to, why I had this uncontrollable need to keep going. I'm 30 now and I think looking back I have a better understanding for my case of why it began spiraling out of control because as you know, plenty of people can go on a diet and stop when they'd like, but some like myself can't. I think it had a lot to do with a lack of having control over my own life. I had a lot of tragedy strike in my childhood and though I was a happy child, I had many close deaths including my fathers that I felt like eating was something I could control. Also just the way society is I mean let's face it, we're faced everyday especially as teens with what we're supposed to look like and be like that we're basically stripped of who we are at a young age. It's really hard to not give into that. So I think the mix of both was just a toxic combination for me.
Also, and this is something I think I failed to mention in the last post, but I have an extremely addictive personality unfortunately. I think this plays into my anorexia a lot and I'll tell you why. I've always viewed my eating disorder as an addiction, especially because I was a drug addict and it is very similar to me. Both are extremely hard recoveries as it took me ten years to stop taking opioids. Both require self destructing behavior. When you're an addict you crave the drugs the same as when you're suffering from anorexia you crave the feeling of being hungry which I know sounds odd to some. I guess it's similar to any addiction like smoking, drinking, gambling etc. it's just something you feel unfortunately you need to do though you know you shouldn't. Similar to addiction, with an ED you may also relapse which is something I'm dealing with, but working through and I'll continue to do so.
Why can't you just eat something?
Oddly enough I used to get really mad at anyone that asked me this, but being more understanding and mature now I kinda get it. Just to try to answer this question with another question..why can't a smoker just stop smoking? Why can't a gambling addict just stop gambling? Why can't anyone exhibiting destructive behavior just stop? So if you know someone going through this and have this question, ask yourself if you've ever struggled with stopping something you should of and just give them time and a person to talk to. You will not have all of the answers and neither will they, but show compassion. For damn sure they need it.
Arent you afraid you'll end up dying from this?
Yes and no. Obviously I know now what this will do to me if I don't try to make a full recovery. I know what I have put myself through over the past 17 years and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've been hospitalized, my hair has fallen out, and a lot of shit has happened to me that I do not want to go through ever again. However I am in recovery and I know I will fuck up sometimes and relapse like I am now, but I think I know how to look at myself in the mirror and say, "get your shit together." So yes, I worry if I did damage to myself something bad can happen, but no I don't think I'd ever just give up fighting.
Do you think it will ever go away?
I think it's like quitting smoking cigarettes or giving up something you thought you never could. I quit smoking for a long time and messed up and started again. During that time that I had the courage to quit, I always had the thought of wanting a cigarette, but I dealt with it. I think my ED is the same way. Even after recovery the thoughts will sometimes surface, but you just have to get rid of them. I have two 9 year olds that are my whole world. I have to show them you have to fight sometimes to be a stronger person.
How do I know if someone I care about is suffering from an ED?
This is tough because not everyone is rail thin or showing obvious signs of an eating disorder. If you notice constantly and are suspecting someone of having it, you're probably right because you tend to notice it when it's extremely obvious. Some of the obvious signs are, but not limited to: Excessive dieting even after target weight goal is achieved, excessive exercise, counting calories, isolation, frequent use of the bathroom especially after meals, anxiety around food, hair loss, anemia, constantly cold, brittle nails, hiding food, and the list goes on. However, do not approach them like you are the cops. The last thing in the world you want to do is have them feeling like they are being interrogated, belittled, or shamed. I'm not saying to ignore it. Talk to them, be there for them. Like I said in the beginning it's very therapeutic for me sometimes to talk about it. Show them there's not something "wrong" with them. Don't be pushy, just be there. They will accept help when they choose to, not when you tell them to.
Okay so I'm going to wrap this up because this has been an extremely long post to write and I'm sure to read. I hope this helps anyone going through this because I know it's hard and I hope this helps anyone who cares for someone going through this. Take it day by day. You can recover! You are worth it and you're beautiful exactly how you are :) This of course is not meant for health advice as obviously I am not a doctor or a specialist and is just based on my experience and opinions.
See you in the next post
Yours truly,
KristaN
