To say that suffering is a choice is a gross oversimplification. But it’s not untrue.
I acknowledge that horrible events can happen that are completely out of the control of the victims involved. Circumstances can thrust suffering upon us before we are able to realize the state in which we find ourselves. But the degree to which we suffer is in large part a choice.
I have difficulty with the word choice in this case. It sounds as if I’m describing an active mental conversation where the victim says to themselves, “Hey, I think I’m just going to allow this event to take over my emotions and suffer needlessly.”
But that’s not what I’m implying. Suffering in the moment of adversity is a choice in the same way that diabetes brought on by obesity is usually a “choice”. Most people don’t decide to be overweight and sick, but they do determine their habits that lead to that physical reality. Likewise, people choose to allow their mind and emotions to wander aimlessly, subjected to the winds, tossed by the seas of external stimuli. Or they choose to exercise the mind and observe their emotional reactions to better understand themselves.
Learning to observe yourself is a powerful tool. It is, however, a skill which must be developed. Trying to develop a peaceful mindset in the midst of adversity is like trying to learn a new sport while competing in the championships. The time to develop skills is as far in advance of the game day as possible. The problem with adversity is that we often don’t see it coming. So the time to train for it is now - regardless of whether you are currently suffering or not.
It seems most well-intended advice for dealing with stress, anger, worry, is similar to the Western medical approach of dealing with symptoms. It's reactionary. It would be pointless for me to dish out the same tired advice you’ve heard before- to decide to be happy, or count your blessings in the midst of sorrow, or count to 10, or whatever.
You know why this advice sucks? Because when you’re pissed about something you won’t remember it. At the exact moment of devastation that you should be remembering to look on the bright side, you’ll be distracted by the event that has you riled up.
That’s why I say it’s less of a moment-to-moment choice and more of a state of being. It must be developed before you need it.
The choice to suffer is not made at the moment you need it, but far in advance. The choice that you can realistically make is to exercise your habits to cultivate a calm mind and awareness of the present. Just as you can choose to eat life-giving foods in reasonable portions and move your body to the best of your ability, you can choose to do brain workouts so it's prepared to be present, calm, and rational when it’s most needed.
I’ve been working on 3 daily strategies for this (at least that’s the goal - I’m far from perfectly consistent).
A: Meditate. Oddly enough I like to do this within the first couple of hours after waking, even though I’m not a morning person. I have also found that as I get more comfortable with it, I’m able to take 5-10 minutes at random opportunities and gain a sense of re-centering myself in the present.
B: Think of 5 people I’m grateful for. If I can’t think of 5 new people each day, I think of 5 things, or events, or anything I’m grateful for. I’ve consolidated this exercise with meditation to make it even easier to form the habit. After I’ve taken some deep breaths, closed my eyes, listened to the room and then shifted my focus to the feeling of my body weight on the chair, I take a mental scan down my body, just observing how I feel with no judgment. I answer two questions in my mind before finally settling in on my breath. Why am I doing this? Who/what am I grateful for?
I have grand dreams of practicing gratitude by sending each of those 5 people a hand written note. This sounds like it would be an amazing practice, but I have yet to get the gumption to actually do it.
C: Throughout the day, as I’ve finish a specific task, I transfer the item from my To-Do list to my Got It Done list. I used to just erase the item, but when I feel stressed out or guilty for not being productive enough, it feels good to see a list of the things I actually did do. By the way- it’s almost always more than my emotions and fears would have me believe if I hadn’t developed this habit.
Eating a healthy meal won’t make you healthy. Nor will performing a single workout. But for some reason, I think many people expect meditation to produce some feeling or result from the first time they try it. I’ll be honest; my first attempts at meditation were for 10 minutes per day for 45 days straight with no missed days, and I still wasn’t convinced it was having any effect. After that, I missed days here and there but kept the habit up overall. I think it was somewhere around the 6-month mark that I realized I felt more present and aware in my day to day life. I was able to observe circumstances, almost as a disinterested third-party for just an instant before reacting emotionally.
I’m still a novice. But being one’s own observer is powerful. Just acknowledging our irrational fears and anxieties is a huge leap in the direction of calmness.
Don’t you love that word?
Calm.
Ahhh... What a nice way to be.
And “the way to be” is a better description of the choice. You don’t decide to suffer or not. You choose to be the type of person who suffers or not. You decide on habits today that will make you the person you will become.