One of the BBC’s big news stories today is the findings of an international study which is being presented at the Alzheimer's Association International Conference in London. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-40655566

The risk of dementia

The study highlights nine factors that contribute to the risk of dementia. By 2050, 131 million people could be living with dementia globally and there are estimated to be 47 million people living with the condition at the moment. It’s evident that looking after our brains throughout our lives is crucial.

Social isolation

One of the nine factors that feature in the list is social isolation, which can often lead to depression (another one of the nine factors). I wanted to write about social isolation and loneliness for a while but didn’t really want to admit to anyone that this was how I was feeling. I'm choosing to write about this now because I know other people may feel the same. One of the many things that no one ever tells you about motherhood is that those precious days where you bond with your new baby are often isolating and devoid of much adult interaction.

Motherhood can be unbearably lonely

As a mum of three you would think after having my third baby I would be used to the drill by now and that I would know to enjoy this phase as it passes fairly quickly. I have, and still am, cherishing every moment, but I have felt unbearably lonely at times. Like many new mums I spent several hours a day pacing the living room with a baby that just wouldn't settle. Most of my friends with small kids live too far away to pop in for a mid-morning chat. My parents and sisters live a two hour drive away and some of my close family members have moved half way across the world (in doing so they've also had their struggles with social isolation). The friends and family who live near me are busy at work.

I was desperate for an adult conversation

For a few months it seemed like there was a world going on and I wasn't part of it anymore. I missed my job, my colleagues and the office banter. It seemed that most of the people who promised to "stay in touch" when I went off on maternity leave had forgotten me as soon as I'd left the building. My two older daughters are 8 and 6 years old and are lovely to talk to but I was desperate for an adult conversation. When my husband came back from work I'd give him a full account of my day. Yes, a full breakdown of how many times the baby had done a poo, which series I was now watching on Netflix and how many hours sleep I got last night. The poor guy just wanted to sit in silence while he ate his dinner and stare at the TV.

I didn't want to come across as emotionally weak

The change from working part time to staying at home has left me feeling down at times. It's a feeling I haven't really shared with many people because I feel like I shouldn't really be complaining about my life. I know I am blessed. Plus I didn’t want to come across as a mentally or emotionally weak person. I pride myself on being a strong person but I’m only human and that’s ok. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who respond with "I'm fine thanks" every time someone asks them how they are. A lot of them probably aren't fine at all and would be better off talking to somebody about it...or just talking to somebody full stop.

Over the last few months I've found my footing again and I’m in a much happier place now. Here are a few things that have helped me overcome isolation and loneliness:

Exercise

After the birth of my second daughter I took a two year career break. With a baby and a toddler at home I felt incredibly isolated, drained and was out of shape. I cancelled my beloved gym membership as I couldn’t afford the time or money. I worked out at home which helped me feel better mentally and physically. My husband looked after the kids so I could go swimming once a week. It was lovely to have a break and the hormones produced by the physical activity made me feel happier.

Having an Exercise Buddy

Another thing that happened while I was on career break is that my sister in law introduced me to jogging. I kind of just tagged along with her on her weekly park runs. It felt amazing to challenge my body to do something different and my sister in law was really encouraging about it. The best thing about it was my weekly catch ups with my sister in law. I don’t think she realized that for me those weekly park runs followed by a lengthy chat on the way home were a lifeline for me.

Forcing Myself to do Social Things

Weirdly enough even though I craved a social life when it came to meeting up with friends or going to events I wouldn’t feel like going. I was so tired and drained from household chores, looking after small kids all day and getting up to feed the baby at night. The thought of getting ready to go out and then come home late and get up at 5am again just seemed like too much effort. So often I would make excuses and stay at home, which made me feel more isolated. I then started forcing myself to attend events, dinners with friends and go to baby and toddler groups in the day with my baby. I found it helped to mentally prepare myself that I wouldn’t be getting much sleep if I came back late from a night out. The day after those nights I just had a couple of extra cups of coffee to get through the day and reminisced about the great time I'd had.

Not Letting one Bad Experience Put Me Off

Not all experiences were good. The first baby and toddler group I took my baby to a few months ago was awful. She cried on and off the whole time because she wanted a nap and the other mums were really cliquey and unfriendly. I didn’t take her to another session for a few months. A few weeks ago I started attending stay and play sessions at a local children’s centre and loved it. There is a nice vibe there, the other mums are really friendly and because I went to afternoon sessions instead of mornings when the baby likes to nap, she had a fabulous time. It reminded me of when I used to attend the children’s centre regularly with my elder daughters and ended up making some lovely friends who I am still in touch with.

Filling My Diary – Forward Planning

Some people might like the blank canvas of an empty diary but I don’t. If I don’t have a rough plan for the week ahead I feel lost. When I was a working mum my job gave a structure to my week. As a stay at home mum there is a vast expanse of time that will be filled with caring for the children and mundane tasks like cleaning the toilets. I found that if I had plans to look forward to then I felt much happier about the mundane tasks too. They weren’t ground breaking plans, because I have three young children and that’s kind of the point why I’m at home! But even things like going out to buy a new lipstick or meeting up with a friend for a coffee made a difference to my week….and mood!

Talking to Friends and Family About How I Felt

In my family and circle of friends I’m known for being quite stable and dependable. When I finally opened up and spoke to family and friends about feeling lonely and isolated I was met with two different kinds of responses. There were those who didn’t really take me seriously and said something along the lines of “Oh really? That sucks” and carried on talking to me about their issues. And there were those who immediately arranged a date to visit me/meet up. To know that someone cared about how I felt was comforting and those who didn’t take me seriously were always there to hang out with too. They just couldn't fathom that I could have down days too. Ultimately no one can know what’s going on in your mind but most of us have at least a few people that love us. You just have to reach out and there will be there for you in their own way.

From my experience it’s important to take steps to bring yourself out of a situation that is making you feel isolated or depressed. Sometimes people find it difficult to come out of such situations and that’s where family or friends can help. I am forever grateful for the people who have called me to ask how I’m doing, or come round to visit me. I try to do the same for others. I now know that these small things can make a big difference.

MummyImperfect x