If you've ever been told that you are wrong about something and that everyone else is right, then read on.
It seems unfair and unkind, but through words or actions, this is what was conveyed to me for many years…until I surrounded myself by nature and heard a very different message about my world and my disorder.
High Functioning Autism is hard to spot and diagnose. Sometimes problems with complex social skills that can be so difficult for an autistic person aren't noticed right away. This was the case for me. I was always at the proper intelligence level for my age, but I wasn't always connecting with people.
I'm a strange mix. No one ever suspects I'm autistic. And THAT becomes my biggest problem! For instance, when introduced to people the first time, it usually goes well. I can talk with people and do the usual small talk, to an extent. But if I see that person again on the street, I may not have any reaction to them at all. This is not because I don't like them, but because the words simply are not there. It's like my mind tells me I already met this person, then the chalk board gets erased.
This confuses people. They often feel offended and some people will even go to the extreme as to start rumors and tell other people never to talk to me because I'm stuck up. They just don't know that I'm autistic because the first time we met seemed "normal."
Photo Credit: Zachary Staines, Free Stock Photos
In my early years, I quit many jobs because of this problem. Some people told me they didn't like "quiet" people who had little to say because they were always thinking bad about others. This is simply not true. I wasn't thinking bad about them at all! In fact, I have always admired people who could talk. Anyone who can hold a conversation time and time again with people is amazing to me. So, what was I really thinking? Literally, what would be going through my mind was, "What do I say to this person? I don't know what to say!"
This created nervousness in me, which only made the situation worse. Then, if I was in a noisy place or a place with very bright lights, I was even more distracted and would start to fidget with my hands. That made people nervous and the rumors would escalate.
I quit so many jobs because of this that I became homeless. After nearly a decade of homelessness, I finally moved into a shelter that was also a ministry and I met my husband there. The happy ending is that we got married and have a daughter together. But I went through a lot of pain before realizing that I really needed to work alone in a job in order to succeed. Even though I had counseling, the counselors tried to get me to be more social, but it was nearly impossible to even understand where to start.
My husband and I now have a business together and I am free from the confines of other people's opinions and bad actions toward me due to their assumptions. I can also focus on healing and coping in healthier ways.
This brings me to the topic of nature. I remember the first time I put my hands in dark, rich soil and felt really good. I would learn later that soil is full of microbes that act like anti-depressants.
Instinctively, I used to go for walks in the woods or by a lakeside when I was under a lot of pressure or stress. Even today, I surround myself with images and sounds of nature. My computer desktop always has a nature image. I like to get up early to hear the neighborhood roosters. The birds chirp all day long. Thunderstorms are my favorite. A cloudy, rainy day is also a welcomed site because it boosts my creativity.
I believe God set up nature to be healing on purpose. He knew we would need something special to get through life's rough spots. We were birthed in a garden and the longer we can stay in that garden, the healthier we will be.
Can you imagine a world without nature? No soothing sounds to buffer the roar of traffic or to calm a baby? No night and day to give us variety and pleasure at seeing the sun, moon and stars? Nature is so healing. No wonder many people are leaving the cities, even high paying jobs, and moving out into the country to homestead.
We always really know what we need. If we are constantly looking for ways to escape outdoors or into compete solitude where time and space speak their own language in the wilderness, then maybe it's time to take the leap into the unknown of moving off grid, or at least ditching the busyness and all the noise of humanity. Even if it's just in our thoughts or from looking at a desktop thunderstorm rolling into our office space day after day, let nature do its healing work.
I came to realize that the insecurities of other people did not need to dictate my day, my life, my future, or my purpose. I used to blame myself for not being a better communicator. Then I decided to embrace who I am. I'm autistic--that's what nature handed me. I was born prematurely and there was no stopping my leap into the world.
I can't stop someone from believing wrongly that I am thinking bad about them just because I am quiet and don't have the words to say. But I can get outside and let nature talk to me. It has plenty to say, and I have plenty to learn from it. It tells me I'm alright. It tells me that I'm a very good listener and that the world simply didn't need another talker.
I'm alright with that.
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