Hey guys, how does a four-hour erection sound to you? Great, right? Well, there’s a slight catch. And it involves spiders.
At first glance, spider venom isn’t necessarily something most men would want to imagine being anywhere near their genitals, and with good cause. It’s the stuff of terrifying movies, right?
James Bond lying asleep in his hotel while a poisonous spider crawls up under the bedsheets, getting ever closer and closer to... yikes.
But what if 007 knew of the power that spider venom could have given him on those occasions where even he couldn’t perform in the bedroom?
Erectile Dysfunction - The Facts
Yes, even Bond himself must have had problems with erectile dysfunction from time to time, especially after a hard day of jumping out of planes, being shot at and saving the world.
It doesn’t matter who you are, or how tough or clever or masculine, erectile dysfunction can happen to anyone, caused by age, diabetes and plenty of other reasons. The older you get, the more likely it is to happen to you.
So what on earth has this got to do with spider venom and four-hour erections?
Well, of course there’s viagra as the most famous solution for erectile dysfunction. It’s been the salvation of many a poor guy in the bedroom for years, and the cause of many a snigger in the playground and workplace for just as long.
But we spend $4bn a year on it because it works, so obviously there’s going to be companies looking for an alternative that they can take to market that will have an even more powerful effect in the trousers department.
Like spider venom...
Here’s The Scary Bit 🆖
Ok, this bit is going to be a bit scary if you have a penis and/or don’t like spiders. Have you heard of priapism? How about Brazilian Wandering Spiders? Or Banana Spiders? Those last two were trick questions as they’re different names for the same spider. The same HORRIFYING spider.
They say size isn’t everything, but when it comes to spiders, we want to make it clear that size is everything. Especially when the spider can have a leg span of up to 6 inches and is the most deadly arachnid on the planet. Its venom can cause priapism, which is basically summed up as When Erections Go Horribly Wrong.
That’s when the blood in the penis doesn’t go away after… well, you know, after. If it hangs around in there for too long it can clot and you do not want that. Don’t worry, the good bit is coming next.
The Good Bit
You do not want priapism, but how about a four-hour (SAFE!) erection that guarantees to satisfy (Disclaimer: may vary based on your technique)?
This cross section of a penis shows the corpus cavernosa, the spongy "meat" of a penis that fills up with blood during an erection. This is the part researchers were cutting out and hooking up to electrodes. The good news is that scientists are working on a Viagra alternative using a genetically modified version of the venom that avoids scientists being bitten by deadly spiders and also ensures that your penis won’t fall off because you won’t get priapism.
It’s still at the testing stage right now (basically, lots of rats and mice are getting the horn) but will no doubt be hitting the markets within the next few years.
So if you start to have issues in the bedroom, you’ll have another trick up your sleeve to get back in full working order and you won’t need to have a large spider anywhere near your most valuable possessions.