An honest chat about PMDD. Breaking the silence and stigma. Please share or send to others if you feel it may help them.
So it's back. Pmdd. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.. I'm sitting here in my joggers. Baggy t shirt and beanie hat. My face sore and puffy from the crying last night. I'm thankful though. Thankful to have friends that can hold actual space without getting offended. Thankful that when I wanted to stop talking they told me To Keep Going. Keep sharing no matter what needed to come out. And so I did. And in that sharing I recognised a sentence I've said many times in my cycles when pmdd has been prevalent. 'Its like I'm in here but the other me is talking and I can stop her. She's self destructive and nasty and a bitch and angry and i feel like i dont want to be here.'
In that moment I stopped talking and went to my period cycle tracker. When am I due my period? In 8 days. Realisation washed over me along with fear. It's like realising that you've walked all the way to the top of a hill for a nice picnic lunch and then realised you forgot the food. The once stunning and peaceful scenery becomes a dangerous terrain full of potential problems, injury and death. The walk back down means you won't have the energy to get back up there to that space of peace and serenity again. The fact you didn't eat breakfast because you packed such an amazing lunch, means you don't have the energy to walk back down but you know you have to. You begin to become aware of all these dangers that didn't exist on the way up. Well, they were there but you weren't aware.
And that lack of awareness is where pmdd can be dangerous. For many years I wasn't aware. I didn't notice the cyclic nature of the condition. I wasn't even aware of how horrid I could become. Thankfully over the years I have become able to notice PMDD quicker and quicker.
But there was a time when I was completely unaware. Vile words spewing from my mouth at those I loved. Impatient and aggressive in a click of a finger. Like venom spitting from my tongue at anyone who crossed my path. And pmdd highlights issues you are already having problems with. Friendship issues that usually can be dealt with, via a good cup of tea and a chat become battles against your very being. Self depreciating self talk becomes the norm. Feeling completely hopeless about those seemingly small communication issues becomes an everyday feeling and the Biggest mountain to climb.
We all go through bouts of self critical behaviour. We all have moments of doubt, lack, destruct. Pmdd takes these rare moments and injects them with steroids then takes you for a run, kicking and screaming into the depths of your own personal hell while downing a red bull every half hour. Every self critical thought you've ever had? Becomes a hall of mirrors. A maze, a labyrinth of which you feel there will never be an escape.
The best way I can explain It- lends itself to other mental health conditions. We all have a voice inside our head. Say something to yourself right now and you will hear a voice inside your head. We also have another voice that argues with that voice. The ego mind- our centre of logic survival and reasoning. And then, enter another little voice. The one that tells you everything is fine. All is well. The loving kind, beautiful heart mind. All those voices are you. Splitting yourself into smaller fractals of the self to help make sense of the world around you and the experiences you are having.
Pmdd silences that heart voice. It's like she gets put to the back of the room. Able to see all going on but unable to give her balanced input. Instead other fractals of the self step forward. Parts of the ego mind that we don't enjoy about ourselves. The part of us that is pessimistic, scared of everything. Angry at the world. Self entitled and selfish and blaming and irritated and hateful. Really hateful.
And that voice becomes loud. Really excruciatingly loud and you wonder whether that is really who you are. Whether that voice is the true you. That this is how you really feel about yourself. The world. Your friendships and relationships.
Now the above has come from years of awareness but when in those moments of pmdd you aren't always aware. You don't always notice that the heart mind has been tied up at the back of the room. You aren't aware enough of the thought processes to know this is happening. You just know you feel like this and you always have. It's never not like this. You forget that 2 days ago you were positive and loving and up and ready for the days adventures. You forget that 2 days ago you were wearing make up and putting on something nice because it feels good. You forget that 2 days ago you were rocking the world and multitasking and taking the kids to all their classes and chatting to clients and organising meet ups and enjoying laughter and connection.
Those things simply cease to exist and become replaced by what feels like an ulta ego who is you. Always has been you. A you who is useless. A waste of good blood and bone. A you who is silly to think anyone could be friends with them. A you who is crazy to think they can manage 4 children, home education, working, a home. A you who destroys others lives just by being in it. A you who the world would be a better place without.....
And you genuinely believe that you have always felt that way. That you are always this person who is crap. A crap friend, mother, wife, sister, healer.
And yet. If you pay attention. You can just make out another you, right in the back of the room. And she feels good and happy and kind and loving. You can just see a glimpse of her and it makes you question. It causes you to wonder who she is. You feel drawn to get closer to her but the room is full of a sea of faces. They all look like you but like the stuff of nightmares. A sea of twisted painful, fearful, angry faces and it's so crowded and as much as you try to reach that girl at the back, it's like trying to walk through mud.
And all of this happens like switching on a light. One day you are fine and the next you wake as someone totally different. For around 10 days the feelings, thoughts and horrible overwhelm gets worse and worse and you start to consider calling the doctor. This isn't normal. People like this with these kinds of thoughts get sectioned and kept safe for their own safety and others. People like this shouldn't be allowed out in public with good, normal, balanced people. And just when you feel it getting to such an overwhelming moment of drowning in your own horrendous hellish thoughts? You begin to bleed. Your period comes and with it a wave of release, flow, balance and the fog begins to clear.
You begin to be able to rationalise what just took place for the last 10 days. You begin to feel shame for how you spoke to others. You feel guilt and pain and regret and you wish. You wish so hard that others could recognise that during that time you aren't you. Not really. But at the same time you know that if you had a friend or loved one behaving horribly to you? That you wouldn't accept it. Because it isn't acceptable. ....
And so begins the cycle of recovery. Like a drug addict awakening From their high, to the destruction they cause around them because of their strong addiction and how they would do anything to get their hands on what they needed at that time.
There is only so many times you can apologise for being outright nasty to your loved ones. Only so many times people will put up with your neurotic shit. And you begin to cycle into fear. You've only just come out of this horrendous nightmare in which you were witness to, but unable to prevent and then you spill straight into guilt and pain and regret. And then into fear of the next cycle in another 14 days.
Many many women have PMS before their period. This? Is not PMS. This is PMDD.
There is much we can do to help ourselves with PMDD. Keeping a journal of your cycle is essential. Keeping track of moods and foods and stress and undealt with issues.
Something that has helped me most has been to try to deal with things that come up as they happen. Process and take action as needed. Have those difficult conversations that we sometimes need to have, when we need to have them. But never. NEVER while in the PMDD cycle.
What had enabled me to Be Able To Live Better With PMDD?
Meditation
Mindfulness
Building basic awareness of self
Regular self check ins
Talking it out with trusted friends.
Telling people I have PMDD so that they can get to know what it is and what the signs and symptoms are.
Tracking my cycle and being aware that I need to readjust my schedule accordingly.
Self care
Self care
Self care!
Reminding myself that this is a temporary state of mind and emotion.
Asking others to remind me of this too
Seeking medical help if needed and knowing I can trust set people to do that on my behalf if needed.
Journaling
Herbs and aromatherapy
Epsom salt baths.
With candles And music that allows me to feel a full expression of my emotions at that time.
PMDD is a condition that's only completely relieved by menopause or hysterectomy. I am thankful that due to the above actions that I take, I haven't had severe episodes of PMDD in well over a year. I've worked hard to ensure I am caring for myself, expressing in various ways, being true to me. Gentle with me. (There are medications you can take tobease the symptoms and you could discuss that with your doctor, it's simply not what worked for me and that's okay)
But around 6 months ago our lives became extremely stressful and while fire fighting those stresses, I failed to ensure I was still caring for me as a priority. It became an after thought. Hilarious really as the only person you can completely care for is you. And in caring for you? You enable yourself to care for others. But it's not always easy and it can be so easy to allow self care, self awareness, and self check in to take a back seat. Especially when you are a parent. I didn't see this episode coming. But in hindsight I gave myself clues. My clever body reminded me that it's immune system was getting low. My sleep patterns reminded me that I wasn't doing the best for me. Awareness is key. And action on that awareness is essential.
Naturally when our body and mind is in a state of stress it pumps lots and lots of energy to keep you up in that fight or flight mode. As we begin to come out of that mode, that is when the body is able to communicate what's needed.
PMDD reminds me that I must be my first priority, to ensure that I can be my best for others.
PMDD reminds me that I must care for my needs
PMDD reminds me that I must sit in awareness
PMDD reminds me to ensure I am keeping track of where I am overstretching myself.
PMDD reminds me That I am not superwoman and that's okay
PMDD reminds me That it's okay and right to rest and reflect and take a break.
We can see it as a curse or as a beautiful reflector of what we need within. That choice is ours. We won't always get it right and you know what? That's okay.
