"You Are HIV Positive"
That was back in 2014 when I went to the anonymous test site for a routine test. Upon receiving my result from the counsellor, my mind went blank. I was shocked, sad, angry and confused all the same time. More importantly, I just felt lost.
The mood within the test site was sombre. The other volunteers too were shocked and were unable to react to the news. I had been a long time volunteer together with them. The last thing that they would expect was me contracting the virus.
During my time as a volunteer at the test site, I had to break the news to some of those who tested positive. It seemed so easy then to just tell them 'it's all okay', not knowing how they must be feeling inside. It was only then that I knew what one would be going through upon receiving their diagnosis.
At that moment, I broke down. I saw the sadness in everyone's eyes. But they had to remain strong so that I too would be. But those were the only tears I shed on that day.
A New Life, A New Beginning
As I stepped out of the test site with my best friend who went with me, I made a decision. It was to be positive about being positive.
So what if I was HIV positive. At 24 years old then, I still have a long, long life to live. Giving up now would make me a hypocrite as a volunteer and an advocate. I told everyone that those tears would be the only tears that I shed over the situation and I would forge on stronger and renewed in my commitment towards HIV advocacy.
That evening, during dinner with friends, I made a toast. To a whole new life ahead - one with a mission as a voice to the voiceless.
I decided there and then that I needed to take control of my own life. Start treatment, get healthy and live a fulfilling life. I had to do this for myself because if I don't do so, no one else can do it for me. It is my own life to live. Not others to live for me.
The Challenges Streams In
For the first few days, I had to admit was the easiest part. Little did I expect what the things that follow could have such a negative impact on me.
I have always lived my life as an open book. I was not afraid of disclosing my status to people. But I didn't expect that this action would kick me in my butt.
I lost a whole bunch of friends, a job opportunity, people started distancing themselves from me, and the list goes on. At that point of time, I felt that while the condition isn't a death sentence, the stigma associated to it is a death sentence. I was broken at that point in time. I was depressed, and cursed at my life.
However, a lesson of life that I have come to know is that beneath the gloom is always a silver lining.
My relationship with my family grew even stronger. They made the effort to understand the condition more, and even shared wonderful information with me that I myself did not even know of even after having been an advocate for seven years! Their words to me remain etched in my heart till this day. 'We still love you, and if your family don't stand by you, who else would?'
And true to their words, they stood by all the time. From when I had the worst side effects from my anti-retrovirals to the embarrassing moment of me soiling my pants due to a gut infection. They instilled hope back in me.
The Road To Healing
Now almost two years on, I'm still living life as it is. In fact, there is not much differences in my life other than the fact that I have to have my medications everyday.
Although it has been a trying two years (more on that in subsequent posts), my hope and my fire has not been extinguished. In fact the embers have been stroked into huge raging flames.
It has helped me grown as a person and given me so much more insights to so many things.
For now I dare say, I am positive about being positive.